I Just Wanna Be Bad Enough For You

I took another day off of school so I could go meet with my new therapist. My mom finally found someone that was up to par on her standards. The new therapist was not like my old therapist at all, but I felt comfortable around her. Hopefully it wont take me too long to open up to her. I have so much I want to tell her. I am just not ready yet. You can’t blame me, I just met her.

So, after I told Jack every thing he has been talking to me constantly. He stayed over really late the other night and then came over right after school yesterday. He is still trying to understand everything that has happened, so I continue to tell him stories. I guess, I am still in complete shock that someone I just met could care so much. This is part of it all. Part of recovery. Learning to trust again. Realizing that not everyone is out to get me and it is alright to put trust in the hands of people you believe to be good. I can’t continue to push people away. He was constantly reminding me that not only was I hurting myself, I was hurting the people around me.

I walked down the stairs with my sandals clacking against the wood. I was actually smiling today when I went downstairs. My mom obviously noticed, because I saw her attitude change. She would try to act happy in the morning and obnoxiously smiley, but I knew that she hated having to force me to eat breakfast like I was five. I smiled at her.

“Good morning,” I sang.

“Good morning honey. You look nice today,” she commented.

I looked down at my grey, skinny cargo pants and cream-colored, loose-fitted t-shirt. It wasn’t anything special. Maybe she was commenting on my attitude.

“Thanks,” I responded,” so what’s for breakfast?”

“What would you like?”

She was challenging me.

“Could I have a bowl of the cinnamon raisin granola with some walnuts?” I asked. I hope I was giving the right answer.

“Of course,” she said with a smile.

She turned around and started to prepare my breakfast. My mom had to portion everything for me so that I wouldn’t know how many calories I was eating and I would just eat. Especially after admitting to my mom the other day that I had been slipping into old habits she was making it her responsibility to fuel my body for me. She knew what to do. It was surprising how honest I became with myself after talking with Jack. I realized I needed to get better.

“Do you think you could also pack my lunch for me?” I asked hesitantly.

“I sure will. Do you want a peanut butter sandwich?” She asked as she placed my breakfast in front me.

I nodded. She knew me too well. Before anorexia I loved peanut butter, but it became a forbidden food because it was high in calories and fat. Now, I need those calories and that fat. I continued to eat my cereal in peace. My brother and dad came into the kitchen together and I could see them both smile at the sight of me eating happily. Jack was right.

I didn’t pay attention to a single thing my mom did as she packed my lunch. It would drive me crazy if I paid attention to how much peanut butter she put on my sandwich or if I watched her pick out the biggest apple we had. It didn’t matter, my mom knew what she was doing. She was trying to help.

“So are you ready to go back to school today?” My dad asked as he sipped his coffee.

“I haven’t been gone that long, dad.” I chuckled. “But, I am. I feel a lot better. A lot happier.”

“Good, I love seeing you smile.”

“Well, I better get going to school,” I said as I stood up.

My mom came over to me and handed me my lunch box. The look on her face was something I will probably never forget. It was hard to explain, it’s like she was so happy and hopeful. She wrapped her arms around me to engulf me in a hug and kissed my forehead.

“Bye,” I whispered as I pulled away.

The whole drive to school I was thinking about what people were going to be saying about me. It’s not like I actually thought people could see what was wrong with me, but I just never knew what I would do if people found out. I am just hoping that all the kids at school just thought I had a cold and would move on with their lives. That is if Jack didn’t tell anyone.

I didn’t run into anyone I talked to before school actually started. I went to my locker, got my things, and went to my art class. Like usual, I was there before everyone else.

“BIG MAC!” Jack screamed from the doorway. I really didn’t like being called Big Mac.

“Jack,” I responded with a smile. “You know I don’t like that nickname.”

“Fine,” he pouted. “I will just have to come up with something else.”
“Thank you.”

“No problem buttercup.” He swung his arm around my shoulders. “Whatcha drawin’?”

“Just sketching a picture of you guys on stage,” I stated simply. “It’s just by memory so it’s going to look a little cartoonish, but hopefully it will turn out alright. I think I might work on something more in-depth like this for the art show.”

“Make sure to get my good side.” He struck a pose, throwing his arms up and almost falling over.

“I promise. I’ll have to take some pictures at your next show so I can get some more details.”

The bell rang and all the students flooded into the room with a few stragglers coming in a few moments later. I politely waved to Rian and Kara when they came in. No sign of Lisa. All my morning classes went by with no commotion.

I was nervous for lunch though. Not only was I going to have to eat in front of people, Alex was going to be there. I haven’t seen him or talked to him since I practically bitched him out the other day in the hallway. Jack is still convinced that Alex ‘is like in love with me,’ but I still don’t know if I should buy it.

“Hey Mackenzie,” Alex stated warmly.

“Hi,” I barely whispered as I took the seat next to him. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze.

“Are you feeling better?”

I took a glance at Jack and he smiled to reassure me that he didn’t say anything. I nodded. “I feel a lot better. You must have given whatever you had to me,” I joked.

“It is not my fault!” He shouted in defense.

“I kid, I kid.” I rolled my eyes playfully as I opened my lunch box.

“Finally eating lunch I see,” Alex noted.

“Yeah...,” I didn’t know what to say. Does he know? “Yeah. My mom finally went grocery shopping. And I don’t like cafeteria food.”

I knew Jack was biting his lip. Something like this was probably really hard for him to do. But, because he was keeping his mouth shut I have to love him for that.

The lunch bell rang and we all packed up. We all scattered in different directions, but Alex followed me.

“Hey,” he stated smoothly.

“Hi,” I responded with a cute smile.

“I was wondering,” he stopped us both in the hallway,” if you would want to come over to my house after school.”

“Sure.” I smiled up at him as I gripped my books to my chest.

“I’ll find you after school and you can follow me home.”

I nodded in response and then we parted. I was smiling the rest of the day. I don’t think anyone at this school has seen me like this. I definitely got a few odd looks throughout the day from students I didn’t even know. I am not even sure if I should be excited or not. He probably only wants me to come over so we can hook up. I have already kind of figured out what type of guy he is, or what type of guy he appears to be. He doesn’t seem like a player, but it seems that there are only special girls that can keep his interest long enough for him to make a commitment. I doubt I am one of them. But, when I talk to him it seems like he might actually like me. And the way Jack proposed he talks about me makes me believe it even more.

I walked towards the parking lot, trying to calm my nerves. When I made it out to my car I saw Alex standing next to his car a few spots away.

“Hey,” he said with a head nod.

“Hey,” I smirked at him.

“You ready to go?”

“Yep.”

His house was close to the school. Too close. I was in desperate need of more time so I could calm my nerves. I followed him quietly to his room. I admired all the posters on his walls, yet how surprisingly clean his room was. Well, it was clean for a guy.

“You look so awkward,” he commented. “Come sit down.” He patted the spot on his bed next to him.

I walked over and took a seat. When I looked up at him he had a small smile on his face. He leaned back against the wall and I did the same. We just talked about random things; how our day went, our family, and our interests.

Soon enough he leaned in and placed his lips on mine. I knew it was coming and even though I wanted him to respect me and not treat my like just some random girl I really wanted to kiss him. Things only heated up a little bit. There was some touching and some more kissing and I only lost my shirt through out the process.

“I’ve gotta get to band practice,” he said through the kisses.

“You don’t have to go,” I teased as I gently sucked his neck. “I know you would much rather stay here.”

“I know I do,” he responded,” maybe a few more minutes.”

A few minutes past and this time he actually got up. I groaned and followed him. I grabbed my shirt and we silently made our way out of the house.

“Bye,” he said quietly with a quick peck on the lips. He jumped in his car and was off. Just like that. Gone. What the fuck?