This Is How I Disappear

I surprisingly managed to forget Helena; she only crossed my mind when someone else brought her up. It was like those painful past years had been wiped from my memory. Our first kiss was only a blur. Her green eyes were only a vague picture in my head. Her smile didn’t make my eyes tear up. Who was she to me now? The girl I once loved? The dead girl? Gerard’s sister? I know I should feel bad for slowly forgetting her, but what else was I supposed to do? Hang on to her memory like it was the only thing keeping me alive? Because to tell you the truth; her memory was the thing sucking the life out of me, sucking the life out of all of us. Remembering Helena didn’t do me any good. I wish it did, but it destroyed me.

So long and goodnight
__

A year has passed since Gerard started drinking again, and a few weeks ago I got a phone call from Juliah saying he’s clean and sober, at least for now. They live in Jersey together, Gee and Juliah. He moved back there a couple of months ago, and for safety reasons Juliah decided to move in with him for a while. Are they a couple? I don’t know. I like to think they are though; Gerard could really use some romance in his life, and not just the chemical romance he’s been feeling for the past five years. I think he’s happy now, and I think he’s stopped dwelling on the past and looking forward to the future.
He got his old job back, it was a struggle, no one wants to hire an alcoholic, but when he published ‘The Umbrella Academy’ they were too impressed to say no. He wanted to develop “Helena” too, sell it or something, but in the end we decided to keep it a secret, it’s too close to the heart to give away. I still play it from time to time, I’m actually sort of good on guitar know, and when I want to remember Helena, I sing her song to myself. Pathetic, I know, but that’s the only exception I have when it comes to remembering her, that’s how far I allow myself to go. I guess you can say it’s my guilty pleasure.

I’m a guitar teacher now, for beginners that is. I teach them the basics and a few songs in my apartment twice a week. Sounds kind of pervert and kinky, but I promise you it’s completely innocent. It doesn’t bring in a lot of money, but I manage just fine and I’m finally doing something I enjoy. And that’s what matters, right? Doing something that makes you happy? Everyone deserves happiness, even a screw-up like me. And I am happy now, I’m even dating again! But no one in particular, just a girl here and there, it still doesn’t feel right to be with someone else than her. Someone else than Helena.
The right-now-girl is named Aria, she’s from Canada or something. She’s beautiful and funny, but I’ll probably stop calling her sometime soon. I know it sounds harsh and mean, but I’m not in position to give a commitment right now, I still have some issues, and I need to work them out before I can settle down. And I have time, don’t I? I’m only 23, it’s not like I’m some middle aged bachelor. And I don’t sleep with all of them. The reason? Well, to be honest none of them can turn me on; I’m never in the mood. It’s like a switch has been turned off and I can’t seem to turn it on again. But I’ll get there someday, I know I will. I just have to be patient.