This Is How I Disappear

I slowly open the door to Helena’s room, like I’m expecting her to be there, smiling at the sight of me. Should I even be in here? Hesitantly I walk into her dark, yet girly, room. Her bed is left like it was the morning before she died. Her clothes are all over the place, and the jewelry on her nightstand hasn’t been touched. But the worst part is I can still smell her perfume, after all these years. So in some ways – it’s like she’s still with us.

‘Frankie! Get your ass down here’ I hear Gerard yell from downstairs. Oh well, it’s probably for the better. Being in Helena’s room just makes me think of the night she died. It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to remember all the fun we had, the great memories we made. It only wants me to remember her white, cold skin and the last time I saw her. At her funeral.

‘What’s up?’ I say as I enter the kitchen.

‘You had sex with Tess?!’ Gerard said with a serious voice, and an even more serious look on his face.

‘I.. We.. I.. Tess!’ If looks could kill she’d be dead.

‘I’m sorry, it just slipped. I couldn’t help it, I have a big mouth sometimes’

I hear Gerard giggle in the background. ‘Big mouth, eh?’ he say and wink at me. Oh my God, I'm mortified.

‘Let’s just not talk about my sexlife, okay? And what’s the big deal anyway, Gee?’

‘It’s not a big deal. I just don’t approve of you two having sex’

‘Uhm, okay? And why not?’

‘No I mean… You’re like my little brother; Tess is my soon-to-be sister-in-law. Tess, what are your intentions with Frankie? Are you planning on marrying him?’ He says and stares at her, all serious and shit. It freaks me out.

‘I.. haven’t really thought about that’ she says with a shaking voice, like she’s afraid of him. He turns around to look at me, like he wants me to answer the same question.

‘Oh my God, Gerard. Stop it!’ I feel my face getting all red, and I’m not usually one to blush. Crap.
‘Well then. I hope you kids think twice before you jump into bed next time. What if you knock up Tess? Without being married to her?’

‘And since when did you get so old fashioned Mr. Way? Along with your proposal?’

‘Ouch. But yeah, I kind of did. You see, I value the sanctity of marriage. The thought of two becoming one’ he says and entwine his fingers. I roll my eyes. He did not just say that, like he’s a fucking minister or something.
I desperately try to kill the conversation; I’m so not talking about this. Do I even have feelings for Tess? And even if I do I’m not planning on marrying a 19 year old! That would just make me feel like a fucking pedophile! But then again, her birthday is only two months away… No, Frankie, you can’t have feelings for her. Your pretend-brother is marrying her sister, so that means Tess would become your sister. Sort of. God, I hate having conversations with myself.

I keep walking back and forth in the living room, tapping my fingers against my cheek. Do or don’t? Feelings or no feelings? Sex or no sex? Goddammit! I can’t take this anymore, it fucks me up.
‘Hey Gee, I’m going to bed’

‘Okay, Franks. You can sleep in the guest room upstairs with Tess’ Oh, what a ‘coincidence’.

‘Ugh, fine’ I say and walk up the stairs, stomping my feet on purpose to point out I’m slightly irritated.

‘Oh, you’re such a baby! Go cry in a corner’ Gerard yells after me.

‘Fuck you!’

I undress and lay down on the bed, only to be accompanied by Tess a couple of seconds later.

‘I can sleep on the couch downstairs if you want?’

‘No, it’s okay Tess, I just don’t like to have an open discussion about personal stuff’

‘Oh, okay’ Poor thing, she seems hurt.

‘Hey, come to bed, it’s not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before without doing anything Gerard would call inappropriate’ I smile at her to lighten the mood.

‘Yeah, I guess. You sure?’

‘Yes, I’m sure. Now undress and lay down young lady’ Okay, that was slightly inappropriate, on the border to being sexual harassment to be honest. I feel like slapping myself right now. But hey, it made her giggle!

She does what I told her to do (without sounding like a horny jackass), and we just kept looking at each other, not saying a word. And then she leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss. ‘I love you, Frankie’

Oh no. Hell no. No, no, no! Don’t say it Frank, don’t say it! ‘I love you too’ Fuck.