Cross Your Fingers

“Why don’t you ever write a song about me?”

“Because I write love songs,” Austin replied.

“Douche bag,” she laughed.

He laughed before he shrugged, “I don’t know, Parker. I don’t choose what inspires me.”

“Are you telling me I don’t inspire you? You are just on a roll,” she shook her head.

He laughed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

She sighed, “I guess I forgive you.”

“Good.”

“I want a song!” she whined.

“Parker, you have got to be kidding me,” he sighed.

“What?”

“I’ve written a million songs about you. They’re all about you,” he said.

“Well I hope not all of them,” she laughed, thinking of a few of his songs that would hurt.

“Let’s just leave it as all of the love songs,” he said.

“Awe, Austin, You make me complete, too,” she sang grinning.

“Shut up,” he laughed.

“But I think I could love you!” she sang again.

“I don’t appreciate this,” he said, “I totally lied. None of those songs are about you.”

“I believe it,” she laughed.

“You are the most oblivious person I’ve met in my entire life,” Austin said.

She sat on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck, “I’m seventeen, Austin. I’m not oblivious, I’m just playing dumb.”

“Could you stop that?” he asked.

She sighed, wondering why he wasn’t still joking like she was. He looked upset but she refused to ask. She didn’t want to hear again how they should just date already. It was getting old.

“You don’t have to write me a song,” she conceded as she climbed off his lap.

He nodded his head, standing. He grabbed his keys and said he had to leave. She played dumb just one more time as he skipped down the stairs humming the tune to another one of his love songs.

Parker was all smiles as she walked through the venue. Finally, they were out of Texas. It didn’t matter where they were, because she felt better just to be out of the pain Texas brought.

Things with Austin did feel different, and maybe they could be different. But it all seemed too easy. They didn’t even have a big fight, or talk about the things that were burning hatefully inside. But it wasn’t as bad as she thought. Maybe things with Austin would be better. Never repaired of course, but she could probably more than tolerate him for at least the length of the tour.

The only problem was that as the shock and anger wore off, it left her with only feelings of sadness and regret that they had let each other get so far.

In all honesty, she just missed her best friend.

“Perker!” Eric called.

She turned to him, glaring, “Who told you to call me that?”

“Whatever do you mean?” he asked, faking innocence.

Eric, Austin, and Garrett were all standing in a circle, making room for her.

“Austin was just telling us about a party you two went to in high school down at a lake. I guess it was really cold,” Garrett laughed.

She gasped and flushed, “I can’t believe you!” She punched his arm.

He laughed, “I’m sorry.”

“I guess I’ll forgive you. I’ve told these guys a million horrible stories about you,” she smiled.

“How sweet,” he put his hand over his heart.

“I have to go put together the booth,” she said.

“I’ll help,” Austin said, seeming to surprise himself and definitely surprise Parker.

He helped her unpack the boxes and make it look nice.

“This is nice,” she said.

“What is?” he asked.

“You and I… not yelling at each other. It wasn’t what I expected,” she said.

He didn’t respond for a few seconds, “Yep.”

“Maybe by the end of this tour I’ll be able to call you my friend. Didn’t expect that when I left, huh?” she asked, speaking like it was at all a light issue when it definitely wasn’t.

She looked at him and his face was conflicted. He seemed to be thinking about something else but she didn’t dare ask. “Gibbs? You okay?”

“Yeah, Parks…” he said shakily and then corrected himself again, “I’m okay, Parker.”

“You can call me Parks or Liv or whatever you want,” she laughed at his distress, “Only you, though.”

“I um… I have to go,” he said, stopping in the middle of folding a shirt.

She watched him leave in confusion. Maybe there was something else wrong, because for once she didn’t say the wrong thing.

Parker waited around for the show to start. The merch was just to the side of the crowd and the stage. Austin came out to many screams and he greeted them with a big smile.

He played a few songs and talked at the crowd a few times. Parker was minding her own business, folding and refolding the same shirts.

But then Austin’s tone changed.

“So I wrote this song about two years ago after I stumbled upon an old memory… and that led to a bunch of other memories. Anyways, um, it’s a little rough but uh… well here you go,” he began to strum on the guitar, “Oh, and Liv, don’t say I never wrote a song for you.”

“Things were perfect once, all I can remember is that I loved her so much. Never thought things could be different, but it’s all gone now and I don’t think I could ever feel again.”

Parker stared up at him. He wasn’t looking her way, he had his eyes shut tight. He told her once that that meant the song meant a lot to him.

“Slamming the wheel, I must have looked like a fool. She said “It’s no big deal; I know you’ll find someone else. Well let me tell you something girl I don’t think I could ever feel the burnin’ in my soul like I felt with you.”

She felt the pain in her chest building, threatening to make itself known in the form of tears. She felt sick and tried not to make eye contact with anyone around, especially not Morgan. But she was probably oblivious, because Austin called her Liv.

He was such a coward.

“I wanna take you to an island and just leave you there. Sun burned, stranded, I’ll never look back. Come on girl, you’ve got to just let me be. Every time I forget her she keeps on coming back to me.”

And that’s when she understood why he was acting so weird earlier. It was because he was afraid of them getting close again. So now he was resorting to the only thing he knew was a safe bet: blaming her.

“She won't stop, no, no, no, she won't stop. She won't stop, no, no, no, she won't.”

“Beer doesn't help, and getting stoned makes things worse. Now he looked at her, stumbling through the words. “For you I felt… those blue eyes, oh man.”

He regained his composure, “Let me tell you something girl, I don't think in the whole wide world I could find another better than you.”

He looked at her again, seeming angrier and only making her more livid, “I need to buy a one-way ticket to anywhere. Some place far and I'll never look back. Come on girl, you know you're just killing me. Every time I forget her, she crawls into my memory.”

He sang desperately, he was only trying to make her understand. Like it wasn’t obvious enough already. “And she won't stop, no, no, no, she won't stop. Baby she won't stop, no, no, no, she won't stop.”

“Yeah and she won't stop, no, no, no, she won't stop, she won't stop. And baby, she won't stop, baby she won't stop, no she won't. No, no, she won't, no, no, she won't, baby, baby, baby, she won't stop.”

She sat frozen as the crowd erupted into cheers and Austin thanked them one more time before leaving the stage. Tears were about to overflow but she refused to give him the satisfaction.

Austin was signing autographs and talking to fans right in front of her merch booth later on in the night. She couldn’t even stand to be near him. Parker tried her best to ignore his voice, but it was nearly impossible when she heard the things she was trying not to listen for.

“You must really hate that girl you wrote that song about,” one boy said to him.

Another girl laughed, “No, I think he still loves her.”

Austin glanced back at Parker before looking to the two talking to him, “You must have misinterpreted the song.”

“So you don’t hate her?”

“Just because I don’t hate her doesn’t mean I like her,” Austin laughed, as did all of the kids around him.

Parker didn’t know how to react. She couldn’t talk to anyone, but she knew if she didn’t say something she would end up blowing up at the next innocent fan that asked for merchandise.

But she bit her tongue until the end of the show. She packed up all of the boxes quickly and stormed back stage. She opened the door angrily, not caring that she looked like a massive bitch.

She caught sight of him and quickly looked at everyone else in the room. It was only Garrett, John, Nick Santino and Tim Kirch with some girls.

“May I speak to Austin alone?”

They all looked around confused before finally someone made the first move. Eventually everyone was walking past her out the door. She didn’t even look at John, she didn’t want Austin to see her break this shield against vulnerability.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator. He put the top to the counter and popped it off before taking a long sip.

“Did you enjoy the song?” he asked.

“Do you seriously have nothing better to do than to think of ways to hurt me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, honey.”

“Why do you always do this to me!?” she yelled, finally blowing up.

“Do what?” he responded, voice at the same volume.

“You lead me on! You make me think one thing is going to happen and then you completely flip the switch and make me the bad guy. I thought we were better than this! I thought maybe finally we could be okay!”

“Don’t you understand?” he said angrily, “I don’t want you back in my life. I don’t need you there and I refuse to let you try to worm your way in. You are the bad guy!”

“Because I left to be with my boyfriend, Austin?”

“No! I’m not petty, Parker, you should know. You know what you’ve done and what you’re doing. You’re hurting so many people!” he yelled.

“Why can’t you believe that people don’t only do things to piss you off? I’m not being vindictive or playing here. You hurt me tonight. You really fucking hurt me.”

“Oh is that right?” he asked.

“Everything is a game to you, Austin!” she yelled hopelessly.

“That’s not true!” he shouted back.

“Every single word out of your mouth, every situation you put yourself in is for your own benefit. And maybe if you’re lucky you make someone else look stupid, right?” she asked tauntingly.

“Shut up, Parker,” he said angrily, “If you hate the way I am so much why did you follow me around since we were little?”

“Followed you around?” she asked, “Really?” Tears were coming to her eyes as he pointed out the worst parts of her past. “Go screw yourself.”

“Parker, I’m sorry,” he tried to back track, “I was just angry. I didn’t mean it.”

“No, Austin. Not this time. You don’t owe it to me, right? If you want to deny we were ever friends than that is perfectly fine with me. It was so easy for me to throw all your things away and cut you out and this won’t be any different,” she said.

“Don’t pretend like I called you a million times or fought for you back,” he said angrily, “Once I realized that the girl that ran away wasn’t the girl I loved it was easy for me to cut you out.”

“Glad we had that conversation. Can I tell you one more thing, Austin?” she asked, walking closer to him.

“Go right ahead, Parker,” he said her name like it was a horrible taste in his mouth.

“You’re a miserable person. You don’t know what best friends mean and I’m only sorry for Morgan and every other person who mistakenly looks for the good in you because they’ll never find it.”

“Don’t bring Morgan into this,” he said. It slightly broke her heart that he defended her.

“I wasn’t done,” she continued, “I regret every single touch, every kiss, every time we had sex and leaving was the best decision I ever made. You haven’t moved on, Austin. Your song said so,” she said.

“Yes, I have!” he responded desperately.

“I hope you never move on, Austin. I hope you’re never able to truly love someone as much as you loved me because you don’t deserve it. Not one bit. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it Austin?” she asked.

“Nope,” he said through tight lips, popping the ‘p’ for emphasis, “Just you.”

She laughed, “You’re pathetic.”

She walked to the door but he spoke again, “One more thing, Parker.”

“Sure, Austin,” she said, defeated and feeling like his next words would put her over the edge. But it would probably hurt more if there wasn’t a part of her that knew all of the things he said were true.

He looked her dead in the eye, no remorse, no guilt. Not even a hint that this was all a part of his game, “You’ll never hate me as much as you hate yourself.”