Let The Walls Break Down

-April 9, 2010-

‘What are you doing…’ Rian sent me.

‘Getting ready for tour tomorrow.’

‘We should hang out on the Baltimore date :)’

‘We should.’

He sent me a smiley face back and I decided not to respond. John came in the room followed by Maria.

“Damn that was a long day of school,” she said and plopped down on the couch next to me.

“Maria, are you going to be okay here by yourself for a month with Pickles?” John asked and went into the kitchen, grabbed a beer and started walking through the living room.

“Yep. I’ll be fine. And if things get bad, Eric will come right over.” John chuckled and exited the room. “Holly, I have to tell you something.”

“Yes, Maria.”

“Well, Jack and I are still talking and he told me Rian broke up with Kara almost a month ago.”

“And I care why?”

“It turns out, he sent flowers to Kara and this other girl on Valentine’s Day and Kara got so mad she broke it off. Now he’s dating the other girl.”

“Not that I care, but who is the other girl?”

“Uh…She’s the singer of that band Hey Monday. I think her name’s Cassadee.”

“That’s awesome.” I really didn’t care, but it made me feel weird to know he wasn’t with Kara anymore. He had been with her so long.

That night, we were once again on the road. This time, The Maine actually had a bus in addition to the van so it was a lot more comfortable. John was messing around on the laptop watching stupid videos while Garrett and I were watching SpongeBob.

“Kennyyyyy! I want food!” I whined.

“What do you want me to do? I’m not cooking for you…Tell John, he’ll cook.” Kennedy opened one of the cabinets. “Tell you what, here’s some Goldfish. Go crazy.” He handed me the box but Garrett immediately stole them from me and Pat stole them from him. “I should have seen this coming,” Kennedy said.

-April 27, 2010-

I didn’t tell John about meeting Rian. I didn’t even mention that we were talking again. But there was nothing to worry about; I was devoted to him. We arrived at the venue in Baltimore and at around 7:30, Rian made his way to the merch booth where I said I’d be.

“So what do you want to do? Get something to eat?”

“Yeah that sounds fine. You know, I’ve been craving Taco Bell all day.”

He looked at me as we walked out of the venue. “That was the first place we ate at together.”

I looked back at him. “Don’t get all sentimental on me.” He laughed and put his hands in his pockets as we walked to his car.

“Does John know you’re with me?”

“Does Cassadee know you’re with me?”

“Oh, you heard about that, did you…? I didn’t want you to find out yet. I was going to tell you.”

“It’s fine. Whatever. It doesn’t bother me.”

We reached his car and he was standing on the opposite side of me, thinking of what to say. “You don’t have to be so tough. Just because you act that way around John doesn’t mean you have to around me.”

“Whoa, buddy. What are you talking about? I do not act tough around John!”

“Calm down. Just get in the car.” I obeyed for reasons I’ll never understand and we drove to Taco Bell. So far so good. We went in and ordered and sat at the table until our number was called. “So how have you been?” He asked and unwrapped his taco.

“I’ve been good. John and I have our own apartment in Arizona and Maria moved in with us this past December.”

“So I’m guessing that’s how you found out about Kara and me.”

I nodded and took a bite. “She’s not one for keeping secrets.”

“Yeah, I know. Jack isn’t either.” He paused and finished his taco. “So you and John are pretty serious, huh?”

“Yes.” I flashed him my engagement ring.

“Whoa. Well I hung out with Cassadee, my new girlfriend, a lot this past fall and I started sort of falling for her. So I sent her flowers on Valentine’s Day, Kara found out and she dumped me. I can’t say I blame her.”

“You just have a way with the ladies, don’t you? First, you make someone fall in love with you then you start liking someone else.”

“You were in love with me?”

“I meant Kara.” I paused and he looked like he wasn’t convinced. “Besides I didn’t even know you. You were just a fantasy.”

“Still?”

“What is with you? I am not in love with you nor do I have any desire to be with you.”

“Yeah, okay. Whatever.” He was smiling and finishing his second taco.

“What are you being all smug about? Get that stupid grin off your face.” I was smiling as well.

“Nothing. Can we be friends, Holly?”

“I thought we already were.”

He didn’t say anything, just smiled and we walked out of the restaurant. I started walking back to the car, but he walked the other way.

“We’ve got a good hour to kill before John will be looking for you. Let’s go to the aquarium,” he said nodding in the direction of it and zipping up his hoodie. We had 8 seconds to cross the street and he grabbed my hand and we ran. At first I opposed holding his hand, then I wished the road was wider and we’d have longer to go. Snap out of it, Holly. We spent the next 30 minutes passing through the aquarium then spent the rest of the time riding the Ferris wheel outside. Sitting next to him, I was tempted the whole time to just grab his hand and rest my head on his shoulder. When I was with him, I forgot about all the bad stuff he put me through and I forgot about John. I don’t know what it is with Rian, but he made me feel terrible and amazing at the same time and time felt like it stopped when we were together. I know I was being stupid. John was the man of my dreams, as cheesy as that was to say. I guess while I was thinking about all of this, I ended up holding his hand anyway and he was looking at me like he didn’t understand why.

“I’m afraid of heights.” He continued to hold my hand and looked around and it stopped when we were at the top. “Baltimore sure is a sight at night.”

“That’s why I haven’t moved.” He looked at me while I looked at the buildings. “Holly, I’m sorry. I don’t know how many more times I’m going to say it, but I am. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through.”

“If you keep bringing it up, I’m not going to forget about it.”

“Sorry. Again.”

“You know, I thought I’d never speak to you again after you kissed me, but I don’t know. I guess I have a soft spot for you.” He came in for a kiss, but I turned so he got my cheek. “I’m not going to do something I’ll regret…”

We got back to the venue and he dropped me off by the bus where everyone was being flooded by fans. I just decided to sneak onto the bus and Jared followed me.

“Why aren’t you meeting people?” I asked once I saw he was on the bus with me.

“I met all 2 people that wanted to.” I felt bad for him and motioned for him to sit next to me. “So…I saw you just get out of Rian’s car…What was all that about?”

“Nothing. We were just hanging out. We went to go get something to eat then we went to the aquarium.”

“Does John know about it?”

“No, and you’re not going to tell him.”

“Then I’m guessing it wasn’t just nothing.”

“Jared, shut up. I think I know what I’m doing. I was just having a good time with my good friend whom I haven’t seen in a while.”

He nodded. “When did you guys become such ‘good friends’ of which you speak of?”

“I don’t know the exact date!”

“Defensive, are we?”

“Jared, shut up.” I rolled over and lied down and turned on the TV. “You’re making me feel bad about nothing.”

“If it’s nothing, why don’t you just tell John?”

“I don’t see why he needs to know. I don’t need to know who he goes out with.”

“Because he doesn’t go out with ex-flames.”

Thirty minutes later, Moose came on the bus followed by the rest of the guys and everyone except John went back to their bunks. John just lied on top of me. “I missed you so much, Holly. I wish you were on stage with us. You know, I love you so much. Hey everyone! This is my girlfriend! No, this is my fiancée!”

“John, this is like routine now. You come in smellin’ like a bar and announcing to everyone that I’m your girlfriend when I’m 104% sure they already know.”

“But it’s because I love you so so much!” He whispered in my ear and I got a bigger whiff of what he ingested all night. Then he started snoring…great. Did I mention he was on top of me?

By the end of the tour, every night was the same old thing. John was coming in drunker than a skunk and I felt myself pulling away from him as much as possible. Pulling away from him made it that much easier to get closer to Rian, and that’s kind of what I was doing. We were always texting or calling each other, especially when John wasn’t around. I had just about enough of this and I was ready to call it quits.

I was sitting at home waiting for him to get home and I was angry. Soon enough, he walked in. “Honey! I’m home!”

“John, what did I ask you to do today?”

He looked like he was counting in his head. “Babe, I don’t know…”

“We were supposed to look at places to get married today, John. You never showed. Now tell me, what did you think was more important than doing that today?”

He crawled over to me and started groveling at my feet. “I am soooo sorry! I totally forgot. I was hanging out with Eric.”

“I’m done, John. I’m going to spend the night with my parents tonight, then I’ll see how I feel.”

“Babe, don’t leave.”

“If you didn’t want me to leave, you should have thought of that before you came home drunk tonight and every night this week. You’re unreliable, John. And I can’t deal with unreliable right now.”

The first person I texted when I got in the car was Rian.