Let The Walls Break Down

As promised, I went south for Christmas. As not promised, I was still with Rian. I hadn’t told John my news yet and I was scared to tell him. However, Rian and I weren’t really into each other anymore. We didn’t enjoy being around each other because we were going to break up anyway, but I forced myself to stay.

“Holly! People are starting to arrive!” My mom yelled so I went to the door to greet Joel, Alex, Ryan and Sean from This Century.

“Mom, do you have enough food?”

“More than enough, Hun.” The doorbell rang again and it was Austin and Maria. I hugged Maria and she could see on my face that I was keeping something from her.

“Holly, where do we put our coats?” By the intense way she was looking at me, I could tell she didn’t care about where to put the coats, so I took her into my room. “Spill it.”

“Spill what?” I set down the coats on the bed. She crossed her arms and waited for me to continue. “Rian and I broke up.”

“Then why is he here?”

“Because we have a sort of binding issue.”

She looked down at my stomach. “Are you with child?” She looked disgusted and said it all dramatically.

“Yeah.”

“How could you even sleep with Rian if you knew you were going to break up with him?”

“I have to tell you something.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“This is important, I swear.” We sat on the bed and she was looking at me like her eye was about to explode. “I cheated on Rian practically the entire time we were together.”

“Oh my God! With who?”

“…John.”

She was thrashing uncontrollably then forcibly calmed herself down and covered her mouth. “Do you think it’s his?”

“It could be…I had sex with John when I was here for Halloween then when I got back I slept with Rian, which is around the time this little guy got in here.”

“So that’s why you’re still with him?”

I nodded. “We’re not romantic anymore…We kind of can’t stand each other but I can’t leave because he thinks it’s his, and I mean it could be so I have to stay.”

“What if it’s not his? What if when you give birth all you see is John? What’s going to happen with you and Rian?”

“Then he’ll know that I cheated on him. I don’t think he would care now, but it’s still kind of iffy. But what if it is Rian’s? If I break up with him now and go back to John and it turns out to be Rian’s child that would just destroy John.”

“Since you and Rian don’t really like each other anymore, would he really care if John raised his kid?”

“Well he’s going to want to be in his kid’s life…and John wouldn’t want to raise his baby.”

“White girl problems…” She sighed. “But even if it is Rian’s, you don’t want to stay with him.”

“I know, but if I leave now, I’ll have to tell him that there’s a possibility it won’t be his.”

“Better now than later…”

“I have to tell John first.”

****

Maria and I walked into the living room and everyone had already arrived. John was the first one I saw and he was looking at me, with Holden on his lap, like I was the only one in the room. Rian was clinking a glass with a knife to get everyone’s attention and we both snapped out of our bewilderment of each other.

“Hello everyone. Some of you know me and for those of you that don’t, I am Rian, Holly’s boyfriend, and if I could have everyone gather around, we have some important news for you guys.” I stood there, unable to speak while people came closer. It literally felt like I was catatonic. John’s face became confused and took turns looking at me and Rian.

“What’s the news, Holly? Are you engaged?” My mom said.

I shook my head, surprised I could even manage that. “No, we are having a baby!” He said and kissed my cheek but it was forced. There was scattered applause but I could still hear my mother over everyone else.

“Oh my Lord.” I looked over at her and her face had gone completely white and she looked upset, and my dad looked madder than usual. I looked back at John and he was looking down, then he got up and sat Holden on the couch where he’d been sitting, leaving the house.

My legs finally decided to work but I couldn’t walk, I needed to sit. About half an hour of sitting, it was time to eat and I tried to walk again and I succeeded, but I felt utterly weak. Instead of getting in the line to eat, I went outside to see if I could find John and he was down the street, walking back towards the house. I met him halfway and he looked happier than he should have been, but not like super ecstatic either.

“I had to take a walk around the neighborhood. Clear my head.” I didn’t say anything and he finally looked at me. “What a surprise in there.”

“Trust me, that was not my idea. I didn’t know what Rian was thinking.”

“Is that why you haven’t broken up with him yet?”

Before I said anything, I held John’s hand and we walked down the street away from the house and sat on a tall curb. “We are broken up.”

“Could have fooled me.” I wrapped myself around his arm and rested my head on it. “He said he was your boyfriend. And you’re expecting his child.”

“We’re together, but we’re not romantic anymore. He knows I should be with you, I just can’t right now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Before now?”

“Because I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Making the right decision. I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with –”

“Then that’s the right decision.”

“It’s not that simple…”

“Why not? It’s not like you’re foreign to the idea of ripping a child away from its father.”

“John…” He faced the other way and I pulled his face back to look at me. “I’m sorry.”

“That can’t take back this past year and everything you’ve put me through.”

“I know…I’m just in a dilemma right now.”

“About what?”

“I don’t want to be with him. I don’t even like him anymore. But I’m pregnant, so it feels like I’m trapped with him, yet you’re the one I want to be with.”

“Then why force yourself to stay with him if it’s not what you really want?”

“I just want to wait it out and see.”

“See what? If you like him again?”

“No. I know that will never happen. I want to see if it’s his baby or not.”

He stopped breathing. It felt like I was holding onto a statue. “You said…”

“If it’s his baby.”

His nostrils flared and his jaw flexed. “So there’s a possibility…”

“That it’s yours.”

He started smiling and rubbing my arm, then stopped abruptly. “And what if it’s not?”

“That’s exactly the place I’m at right now. How could I have been so stupid? I never should have left you for him. I should have known he was nothing compared to you.”

“But you didn’t know. And it’s better to have known than going through your life with regrets.”

I looked at him and put my head on his shoulder. “How have you been so sure about us all this time?”

“I told you…I knew I was going to marry you and nothing was going to change that.”

“I love you, John.” I guided his face to mine and kissed him. I think that was the first time I told him I loved him since I left.

“I love you.” He held onto my hand and rubbed his thumb on the back of it. “So you wanna marry me?”

“Of course. I thought we already covered this topic.”

“I just thought we needed a review.” He kissed my cheek and wrapped his arm around me. “What are we gonna do?”

“I’m going to tell him. But I want you to go with me.”

“What if he beats me up?”

I started teasing him. “Aww, are you scared?” I poked him and he tried to stop me.

“No, of course not.”

I stood up and helped him up as well. “Besides, I don’t think he’d care now.” We walked back to the house holding hands and I thought about how this is how it should have been all along. We entered the house and everyone was almost done eating and my mom was helping Holden eat some pie. Rian was sitting on the couch watching TV and he saw us and then looked back at the TV like he didn’t even care. And he probably didn’t. Then my mom saw us and second glanced like she remembered we weren’t supposed to be together. We made a B-line towards Rian and I motioned for him to follow us to the room we were staying in and I told John to wait outside the door. “I’m moving out of your apartment and I’m getting back together with John.”

He looked somewhat confused. “What about when my kid is born?”

I put my head down slightly. “There’s a possibility that it could be John’s.”

“So you cheated on me?” I bit my lip and nodded. He didn’t say anything for a moment, and then snickered. “You know, I’m not even mad. I didn’t know I could feel this platonically towards you. I mean, I’ve been in love with you for years and when the time came…”

“It sounded a lot better in our heads.”

“Yeah.” He grabbed my shoulders and kissed me, then just stared at me. “Nothing.”

“Exactly what I was thinking.”

He smiled and let go of my shoulders. “I know you’ll be really happy with him. If it’s my baby will you call me?”

“Yes,” I smiled and gave him a hug.

“I’m invited to the wedding right?”

“Yeah, and you better show up or I’ll be super pissed and never have another kid with you.”

He laughed and pulled himself back from the hug. “Well, this is pretty awkward, I think I’ll pack and go to a hotel for the night and fly back in the morning.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

He packed up his things and walked out of the door and John came in. “Everything okay? I didn’t hear anything being thrown.”

“It’s over. For good.”

He pulled me into a hug. “I’m glad that’s over with. Now things can go back to the way they should have been this whole time.”

“Dadda!” Holden shrieked from the doorway and ran to John and hugged his leg. He picked him up and snuggled him. “I love you daddy.”

He looked at Holden and smiled. “I love you too.” He grabbed my hand. “Come on, we have an announcement to make.” I was confused but let him take me where he was going. He cleared his throat obnoxiously until everyone was looking at the three of us, Holden hanging on around John’s neck. “Excuse me everyone, lovely meal by the way Mom…” My mom smiled at him and my dad actually was too. “I would just like to say that Holly and I are back together, and we’re going to have a baby.”

Maria and my mom started clapping and had huge smiles on their faces and came up to hug me. “Thank you for finally pulling your head out of your ass,” Maria said.

“Mom, are you going to let her talk to me that way?”

“Yes, because I agree one hundred percent with her.” She smiled at Maria then hugged me again, then hugged John. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

“You weren’t happy when it was Rian.”

“Because I don’t like him, Holly. Duh.”

She walked away and I whispered, “John…”

“Yes?”

“We’re not getting married in April this time.” He smiled and kissed me and Holden was the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time.