Let The Walls Break Down

-April 23, 2007-

I got off the phone with Rian and rolled over and sighed. I missed him so much. He left my house about three months ago and he’d be coming back in a month or so with Jack. It was at that time that we’d be celebrating our two month anniversary. I’m honestly in love with him. He’s different than anyone I’ve ever known and he made me forget about all the jerks in the past. Maria was infatuated with Jack as well. We’d both be graduating in less than two months and she was going to the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee and I’d be taking online courses linked to the same place. The world was so scary but having Rian with me would make it a lot easier.

“Rian!” I yelled once he pulled up to my house and I ran to him and jumped up into his arms. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” He started kissing me.

When we broke apart, I asked him, “Are you staying for graduation?”

He shook his head but said, “Yes. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. We don’t have anything to do for the next month so I don’t see why not.” He grabbed my hand and we started walking around the neighborhood. “So I’ve been thinking…”

“About?”

“How would you feel about coming to live in Maryland after you graduate?”

I smiled endlessly at him. “What, so I can sit all by myself while you’re out touring?”

“Of course. No, you’d come with us. You’re doing online classes aren’t you?”

I nodded. “So you really want me to live with you?”

“Yes!” He was quiet for a moment. “I love you, Holly.”

We stopped and I hugged him and said, “I love you too” into his shoulder. He kissed my cheek and his beard stubble scratched my face.

-November 4, 2007-

I pretty much ran away from home. My parents didn’t really like Rian so when I asked if I could move in with him in Baltimore of course they freaked out. But I recently just turned 18 so there was nothing they could do. We were on a tour right now and my phone started ringing from my cousin Patrick who lived in Arizona. “Hey Patrick, what’s up?” I asked as I submitted my paper online.

“Hey Holly. I was wondering if you wanted to come be my band’s merch person next summer.”

“You formed a band?”

“Yeah, but we’re starting out small right now. Garrett and I got Kennedy, Jared and John to be in the band too. And yes, John as in Ross’ brother John.”

“Ugh, I hate him.”

“He’s been asking about you.”

“Well what does he want to know?”

“Nothing. Just to know how you’re doing.”

“Why would he care? He hates me.”

“No he doesn’t…that was like six years ago, Holly. Things change. So what do you say? You want to be our merch person?”

“We’ll see. I’m actually on tour right now with All Time Low.”

“Why’s that?”

“Rian’s my boyfriend.”

“Oh so I guess you’ll be on their tour next summer?”

“Maybe. I’ll let you know what’s up. Talk to you later, Patty.”

The summer eventually came and I decided against touring with The Maine and instead went with All Time Low. But Jack informed me that they’d have a tour with them later this fall anyway so I didn’t feel so bad about ditching them. I had fun during the summer because Maria was with us, but I was a bit skeptical jumping into the tour in October because she had to stay behind at school. We met them at some restaurant for lunch and they were all sitting at the same table as Rian and I. I hadn’t seen any of them in seven years and they all turned out so cute. But John…John was something else. When I first locked eyes with him from across the table, I felt like I had been electrocuted. I blushed and looked away as Rian put his arm around me.

-Two Weeks Later-

--John--

I talked to Holly a lot and I started to feel something for her. But she’ll never love me. All we could be was friends. But she didn’t look that happy with Rian.

“Hey Holly,” I said as I found her backstage by herself. “Where’s Rian?”

“Getting ready to go onstage.” She pat the seat next to her for me to sit as she looked back down at what she was writing.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing, I just like writing songs without melodies sometimes.”

I smiled and she looked up at me. “So poems?”

She smiled back. “If you want to be technical about it. I’m not that great at writing melodies yet. Some major I picked, huh?”

“Music engineering?” I laughed. “I’m sure you’ll do well at anything.”

Her smile faded a little and she looked away. “I wish Rian would support me like you do. He just wants me to be the doting fiancée.” Her eyes became wide and she covered her mouth.

“You’re engaged?”

She didn’t speak for a moment, then finally decided to agree. “He proposed a couple of months ago. I’m scared to tell my parents.”

“You live with Rian, right?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I pretty much went against my parents’ wishes. But I love him and that’s what matters.”

I started to get up. “Well, you shouldn’t be scared. Just tell them. And Rian should support you no matter what.”

“I’m glad you’re here for this tour. I kinda thought we’d be enemies.”

I smirked. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you were so rude way back when.”

“Yeah…I guess I really liked you.”

“You did?” I nodded. “I used to like you too.”

“I know. You wouldn’t stop staring at me. It was creepy.” She shoved me and I shoved her back until we were both pushing against each other’s hands until her force decreased and I intertwined my fingers with hers. I don’t know why. I kinda got caught up in the moment. I thought she would just pull her hands away but she didn’t. She brought our hands out to the side and kind of played with my fingers, then she let go.

“I don’t know why I did that…” She looked away but I pulled her face to mine and kissed her.

--Holly--

When John kissed me, it was like eight years of building anticipation that didn’t disappoint. This one kiss was better than any kiss I’ve ever shared with Rian. Like when our eyes met, it felt like electric surges were going through me as I put my hand on the side of his face. I leaned back on the couch and he put his hand on the other side of me to lean on. It got very heated. When I pulled away, my face was hot and my lips were flushed and he looked the same.

“I’m sorry…I don’t know why I did that.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again.”

-Five Years Later-

John was my best friend. We hung out every spare minute we could get, but we never did anything like that again. I meant it when I said I’d marry Rian and I kept my promise of never cheating on him. However, I thought about John frequently. In that ‘I wonder what my life would have been like’ way. To this day, I haven’t been kissed by Rian the way I was by John and that bothered me. I loved Rian with all my soul but I couldn’t help but to wonder if the path I chose was the wrong one.

“Momma!” Caleb ran up to me and I picked him up.

“You’re about to get too big to be picked up,” I said and situated him on my hip.

“Holly! Lunch is ready!” Rian yelled from downstairs. I carried Caleb down there and Chelsea was already sitting at the table.

I forgot to mention that Rian and I had been married for four years and Chelsea was born shortly before that and Caleb was about to be two. Maria was celebrating her two month wedding anniversary with Jack soon and last month they told me that they had a baby on the way.

“Mommy I miss Uncle John,” Chelsea said to me as I put a plate of macaroni in front of her.

“He’s coming over today.”

“Babe, I have press today…” Rian said and became annoyed.

“It’s fine, Rian. We were just going to play Rock Band with the kids…”

He sighed and sat down across from me. “Okay. I shouldn’t be too long. Maybe three hours.”

After we finished lunch, the doorbell rang and I took Caleb with me to answer it and John’s smiling face was there when I opened the door. He smiled widely at Caleb and I passed him to John then the rest of The Maine came inside. “Oh I didn’t know all of you were coming.”

“No, Holly. We’re just in Baltimore for the weekend and we weren’t gonna come see you…” Pat said and plopped down on the couch. Kenny sat on his lap and Jared and Garrett occupied the other two seats.

“Uncle John! Uncle John!” Chelsea yelled and ran in the room and hugged him.

“Hey Chelsea!” He squat down to give her a proper hug as I put in the video game.

“Holly, we’re going to get some food,” Jared said as him, Kennedy and Pat got up. “You want anything?”

“No, I just had lunch.”

“Okay, well we’ll be back.”

Garrett and John were the only ones left and Chelsea was playing bass while Garrett was on guitar, John was on drums and I was on vocals. After we played a couple of songs, Garrett went to the bathroom and Caleb and Chelsea went into the kitchen. “No cookies!” I yelled as I sat back on the couch.

“You have nice pipes,” John said and put the drumsticks down.

“Thanks?” I laughed and he started smiling. “Why are you always smiling?”

“I don’t know…I guess someone makes me smile.”

“Really? Who?”

“…You, Holly.”

“John…”

“I know, I’m sorry. But I can’t help it. You’re all I think about. You’re my best friend and I’m in love with you.” I didn’t say anything, I just let him kiss me once again. And like the first time, it was like electricity was running through us. “Did you feel that?” He asked when we pulled apart and I touched my lips. All I could do was nod and I pulled his face towards mine and kissed him again.

Once reality set in, I suddenly stopped and lightly pushed him away. “John, no. We can’t do this. I’m married and I have two beautiful children… I thought I told you to not do that again.”

“Is it because it scares you to know that Rian has never kissed you and make you feel that?”

“How did…”

“Because I’ve never had a kiss feel that way either. I think it’s a mistake for us not to be together and you do too. You just haven’t realized it.”

“I think you need to leave.”

“Holly, wait…”

“John, I’ve been patient but this time you crossed the line. It’s time for you to go.” I stood up and Chelsea and Caleb came in the room then with some juice boxes and Garrett came back from the bathroom.

“Come on, Garrett. Let’s go,” John said, not taking his eyes off me. He looked confused but regardless walked out of the house. And that was the last time I ever talked to John and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Not letting him kiss me, but realizing that Rian was not meant for me and being unhappy until the day I die.

I woke up in a panic and sweat was running down my face as I sat up and put my cold hands on my warm face. I looked over at John sleeping soundly next to me and realized it was all a dream. A scary dream. But in this dream, what I thought I always wanted wasn’t all that great and I grasped the fact that I’ve taken everything dear to me for granted.

“Holly, you okay?” John said as he stirred out of his sleep.

“I just had a bad dream.” I leaned down into him and he put his arm around me as I put my head on his chest.

“It’s okay, it’s over now.” As he stroked my arm softly I thought about how he couldn’t be more right. It was over.