Shooting Love in Real Time.

Laughter ripped through the restaurant as Jack fell from his chair while trying to impersonate Zack. Everyone had come out and I’d found myself tucked into the corner of the table, pretending to have fun like everyone else was. I was on the verge between tipsy and drunk and we’d barely made it through our starters. Alex had deliberately avoided me on the way here and when sitting down and I’d just ended up in the farthest corner of the table, drinking wine and making small talk with people who I’d only ever known as friends of Alex’s. I knew my invitation was an after-thought so as not to hurt my feelings, but I still couldn’t help but feel hurt anyway. I don’t know what I expected. Jack was quite clearly right when he said I was sending mixed messages to Alex and now I was paying the price for it: he was ignoring any signal I could send.
So, I did what any girl would do: I ordered another wine and sat and smiled to myself, acting like nothing was wrong.
Are you okay? Xx
Marissa. I looked up, noticing that she was watching me with a concerned look on my phone. I nodded slightly to her, forcing a smile. My loneliness was probably best left to another day. It didn’t feel anything like Thanksgiving, when all of our friends surrounded us and I was feeling like I belonged, despite everything I had done. It finally felt like I’d pushed Alex one too many times and he’d finally snapped. It was finally starting to feel like our relationship was over and I couldn’t help but miss him all the more for it. I’d never imagined that there would be a day that I’d turn around and he wouldn’t be there waiting for me when I needed him. I thought he’d stick by me, just as he had before, until I was ready to do what I could to make him happy again, but now it seemed that he was gone and there was no getting him back. Was I being selfish? Probably. Did I still love him? Definitely. Did he still love me? Probably not. I caught a waiter strolling by, ordering another glass of wine as I became close to finishing the other one I’d ordered not fifteen minutes before.
It couldn’t have been later than nine when someone told me it was time for me to go. I hadn’t quite slowed down on the wine since arriving and had spent most of the night alternating between trying to make bad jokes and sitting in silence, ignoring almost everyone. I kept most of my thoughts inside, trying not to spill out my apologies to everyone tonight, in the middle of dinner. I felt two of the guys pull me up and help me into a taxi, Marissa sitting down on the opposite side of me.
“You’re a mess,” she laughed, dragging me out of the taxi and paying the driver.
“Well, it’s about time someone realised!” I tried to joke. I became scarily accurate when I was drunk and worryingly dark.
“Get inside,” Marissa ordered, pushing me into her living room. “You’re staying here tonight.” I snorted.
“Isn’t Jack worried I’ll be a bit ‘too civil’?” Marissa rolled her eyes, telling me to sit down and wait for her to bring me a glass of water. I laid down on the couch, pulling the blanket hung over the back over me and waiting for Marissa to come back. “Love is overrated,” I told her as she gave me the cup. “I mean, I know I messed up, but we were supposed to be forever, you know? I didn’t think he’d really give up on me. How did I push it this far?”
“I don’t know, Jase,” she sighed, sitting down next to me. “But every time I ask Alex what’s going on, he just says it’s complicated and that he can’t explain it. I don’t think you’ve lost him yet.” I started crying on her, wailing about how pathetic and stupid I was, apologising for things I’d done to her, to Jack, to Alex, to everyone. I even remember apologising vehemently about ruining her night. She kept shushing me, telling me to stop being dramatic; that everything was going to be okay. I soon fell asleep on the sofa and she left me alone, more than likely texting Jack an update.
I bolted up when I heard a crash from the other room. It took me a few seconds to remember where I was and I finally relaxed, though still sitting up. I heard voices from in the kitchen, shushing each other and clattering plates. I grabbed the half full glass of water Marissa had left me, attempting to assuage the dry mouth and prevent at least a little of tomorrow’s hangover.
“Jack, for God’s sake, Jasey’s asleep,” Marissa scolded. I heard a couple of people respond and the clattering of plates stopped, though I could still hear the guys’ voices.
“You’re supposed to be asleep,” Alex stated in a terrible attempt at a whisper, after stumbling into the room and leaving everyone else in the kitchen.
“You’re not supposed to be talking to me.” My attempt at whispering wasn’t much better, but I at least felt a little more sober than Alex now.
“Who said that?” He frowned, sitting next to me on the sofa with his toast and pulling the blanket over his legs.
“No one,” I shrugged. “I figured that out for myself.” I pulled my legs in close to my body and shuffled an inch or so closer to Alex, trying to be close enough to him to feel comfortable without allowing him to realise and making him move away.
“I told you before, and I’ll tell you again, I’ll always be here for you when you need me.”
“Then, just let me lie down and sleep.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond, shuffling around and laying my head on his lap and shutting my eyes. “I love you," I yawned, falling asleep.