I've Got the Guts to Say Anything

I was woken a few hours later by Josh placing a mug of coffee on his bedside table. I smiled at him as he sat on the edge of the bed and watched me rub my eyes and sit up, covering myself with his duvet.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, leaning over to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Guilty.” I answered honestly, letting my mind flit back to what happened just a few hours before, “But other than that, I’m fine.”

Josh said nothing, he merely handed me my cup of coffee and sat and watched me drink it.

“Your phone’s been ringing non-stop for about the last hour by the way.” He said, “It’s Joseph.”

“You answered it?!” I exclaimed, having Josh quickly take my cup from me so I didn’t spill it anywhere in my sudden fit of anger, “Josh! You’re so fucking stupid! He’s going to kill me!”

“Relax.” He cooed, “I just looked at the caller I.D.” He said, “I’m not an idiot Paige.”

I calmed down almost instantly and held my hand back out for my coffee. I looked at him over my cup as I sipped at it, finally deciding that I needed to go home before Joseph suspected anything.

“Are you sure, Paige?” Josh asked as I started getting my clothes back on, “I don’t want you to go home on your own if he’s going to hurt you.”

“Trust me, anything he might do to me alone I’d rather take than if you were to turn up with me.” I sighed, kissing his cheek before slipping my jeans back over my hips.

“I just hate the fact that I know what he’ll do, but there’s nothing I can do to help without making it twenty times worse beforehand.” He sighed.

“It’s fine Josh, I’m used to it.”

“But you shouldn’t be!” He exclaimed, getting up from the bed, “it’s not fair on you, Paige, can’t you see that?!”

“Of course I can Josh, but there’s nothing I can do, nothing you can do, nothing anyone can do to make it any better.”

“You know what, you’re wrong.” He stated, “And I’m going to prove it to you, I’m going to get you out of this whole situation.”



“Where the hell have you been?!” Joseph shouted as soon as I’d shut the front door, “I’ve been worried sick! I’ve been calling and everything!”

I looked at him and dropped my bag, “I’ve just been out for some peace and quiet.” I sighed, scratching my arm as my guilt took over.

“You’re lying.” He said simply.

“No, I’m not.”

“You’ve been with him, haven’t you?” He asked me, getting closer to me, “I can smell him on you!”

“Joseph, I haven’t been with him!” I shouted, pushing past him to get to the bathroom, “I told you I wouldn’t go near him again, I wouldn’t defy you.”

“I swear to God, Paige, if you’re lying right now, I’m going to do something you and I will both regret.” He seethed, “Now get out of my sight.”

That’s exactly what I did; I went straight to the bathroom and turned on the shower to its hottest setting, stripped down and got straight down to attempting to wash away all my guilt, when in fact, all I managed to do was make the entirety of my pale skin, red and blotchy with many parts bleeding from how hard I’d scrubbed at it, feeling totally disgusted that I’d done such a horrible and selfish thing to Joseph.

An hour after I emerged from the shower and most of my skin was now just red and blotchy and not bleeding profusely, I threw on a nightdress and went downstairs to find something to eat, only to find Joseph laying out what looked like magazines on the dining table.

“What are those, baby?” I asked, leaning against the wall.

“Magazines.” He answered, putting the last one down on the table and turning towards me, “Wedding magazines.”

I swear as soon as the word wedding left his mouth I died inside. I tried to hide my distaste and shock as best I could, and it seemed to work.

“I just think that after all this time of being engaged, we should finally get married.” He smiled, coming over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, “I want you to sit down and take a look at these magazines, they’re full of ideas that we could use.”

I followed him to the table and sat down, picking up the magazine in front of me titled ‘bridal monthly’, flicking through page after page of church and registry office decoration ideas or pages of ugly ass wedding dresses and matching suits. I knew then that any idea Josh could come up with to get me out of this relationship was going to be a waste of time, because when Joseph wants something, he gets it, no matter what he has to do. I guess it was this moment, looking through such petty magazines, reading about how white and white ivory are two completely different colours and could tip the balance of your wedding dress looking elegant and expensive or cheap and nasty, that I realised any hope I ever had was now shot. And that scared me to death.