I've Got the Guts to Say Anything

“Where have you been?” Was what greeted me when I got home. Joseph was perched against the kitchen island reading the newspaper.

“I went to get my car from the venue from last night.” I said, putting my bag down on the side, throwing my keys in the bowl by the door.

“Did you see that dickhead from last night?” He asked, folding his newspaper up.

“No.” I said simply, lying through my teeth as I hung my jacket up, images of how it’d been taken off before filled my mind, which I tried to push away to no avail.

“I’ve ordered dinner for tonight.” Joseph spoke as he wrapped his arms around my waist, placing a chaste kiss on my neck, I prayed to God he couldn’t smell Josh’s deodorant or aftershave on me, “You smell good, new perfume?” He enquired.

“No, I guess I just smell good.” I turned around in his arms, wrapping mine around his neck, feeling terribly guilty all of a sudden.

Yes this nice façade was all a joke and wouldn’t last into tomorrow at all, but looking at Joseph and lying to him through my teeth was hurting me now, let alone what it would do to me in a few months’ time if anything continued between me and Josh and he found out. I smiled at him and kissed him on the lips.

“Maybe we should forget dinner?” I asked, running a finger down his chest, looking up and winking, “If you get what I mean.”

“Oh Paige, I thought you’d never ask.” He smirked, taking me by the hand, pulling me up the stairs and into bed, which didn’t help me feel any better, at all. In fact, it made me feel a whole lot worse.



The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed. Which didn’t surprise me at all. I sat up and stretched and threw one some clothes that I could find in my wardrobe that didn’t make me look like a 40 year old librarian. I checked my phone and found three messages and one missed called, all from Josh telling me that we ‘needed to talk’ and we ‘need to sort this out.’ I sighed and threw my phone into my bag. I quickly brushed my hair through before heading to my car, bumping into my oh-so-charming fiancé.

“What the hell are you wearing?” He asked me, motioning to my skinny jeans and ballet flats, “You look so common Paige.”

“Well, I’m not going to meet the Queen, love.” I countered, kissing his cheek, trying to be civil.

“Where are you going anyway?” He asked.

“Out.” I said simply, ignoring his disapproving look and heading straight for my car.

It took me just over half an hour to get to Josh’s apartment, getting lost once because the way I knew to his apartment was from London, and I certainly wasn’t going into London today. I pulled up and wasted no time in going up to his apartment, earning the same glare from the chubby receptionist as she had done the day before.

I stormed my way up to his apartment, angry for no apparent reason. I knocked on the door twice and almost instantly I felt myself pulled inside, propelled against the door with Josh’s lips on mine. I relaxed for a moment, before I remembered that this had to stop. Right now.

I pushed on his shoulder to push him away from me, being met with questioning eyes, “Josh, this can’t carry on.” I said simply, “Whatever it is that we have right now,” I said, motioning between us, “It can’t go on.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” He laughed, crossing his arms across his chest.

My chest was heaving like I’d just run an entire marathon or had been holding my breath for the past ten minutes, “What are you talking about?” I asked, putting my hand to my heart, trying to calm it down a little.

“You want me to be honest, yes?” He asked, to which I nodded, “There’s this girl right, and she’s right in front of me, yet I can’t have her,” He began, stopping to think of the right words to use, “She’s beautiful, and funny, and caring and she deserves so much more than what she’s got right now,” He sighed, “And I love her, I love her to pieces, and I can’t have her, and that fucking hurts.”

“Josh, you can’t love me, we barely know each other!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms in the air, “It doesn’t make sense, the only things you know about me are that I have no life outside of my home and my job and my stupid fucking fiancé!”

“I know enough to know that you deserve better!” He countered, being just as loud as I was.

“That still doesn’t mean you know enough to be in love with me!” I shouted.

“Have you ever heard of something called love at first sight?” He asked, unbelievably calm, which riled me up even more.

“Of course I have Josh, but that sort of thing doesn’t exist.” I spoke.

“Tell that to my heart then.” He said, moving closer to me, “You’ve got to stop putting walls up Paige,” He sighed, tucking some of my blonde hair behind my ear, away from my face, “I know you’re scared, but please, please, trust me when I say that I won’t let him hurt you anymore.”

“Josh, I can’t.” I muttered, letting my face rest in his palm, his touch was always so relaxing.

“Just let me in, just for today, and I’ll show you everything I can be.” He was almost begging, but none of it mattered, because I knew what I was going to do. I took his hand in mine and moved my face to his, pressing my lips to his.

His hands, almost instantly went to my neck, holding me there gently, until his hands brushed my cardigan out of the way and he saw the purple marks I had acquired from last night.

“What the hell is this, Paige?” He whispered to me, almost frantically worried.

“It’s nothing.” I breathed, trying to kiss him again.

“Has he hurt you?” He asked me, looking at me straight in the eye, “I’m going to fucking kill that-“ He started.

“Josh, it’s fine, it’s just a bite mark.” I sighed.

“And that meant to make it alright?! Jesus Paige-“ He stopped, “Oh.” Was all he could say when he realised where the bite marks had actually come from.

“I’m sorry.” I breathed, putting my hands on his face, “I just felt so guilty, I didn’t know what else to do.”

He shook his head and took my hand, pulling me through his apartment to his bedroom. He shut the door behind us and began moving endless piles of dirty and clean clothes that he hadn’t bothered to put away. I giggled at him as he started to get seemingly frustrated that the way to his bed was blocked with his clothes.

I walked up to him and touched his shoulder which made him turn to look at me, I smiled and kissed his cheek, perching myself on the end of his bed, scooting back so I was led down on the pillows. He smiled at me and crawled up beside me, kissing my lips as his hands slipped my cardigan off my shoulder. I ran my hands down his chest and began unbuttoning his check shirt, slipping it off his shoulders. I pulled my lips from his and sat up, pressing chaste kisses to his shoulders and down to his collarbone, earning a throaty growl when I ran my teeth across his skin just under his chin.

He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed my down gently, letting his hands tangle in my hair as he kissed my neck gently, kissing the purple bruises I’d acquired last night even more gently, as if he was scared he would hurt me. I put one of my hands on the back of his neck and pulled him down so his face was mere millimetres from mine.

“Don’t treat me like a china doll, Josh.” I breathed, kissing the side of his mouth.

He smirked at me and ran his hands down to my chest, cupping my breast through my shirt. I let my hands run down his back; I let my nails drag along his skin, which earned another throaty moan from him. He pulled me up to a sitting position and pulled my dress of my body, laying me back down as he pressed kisses to the tops of my breasts. I arched my back into his kisses, which made room for his arms to work around my back and undo the clasp on my bra. He pulled it from my arms and flung it onto his floor to join his shirt and my dress. He kissed down my breast a little more, taking my nipple in his fingers, making me gasp. He grinned as I gasped again once his tongue flicked over my nipple and I held the back of his head, letting him know that I liked exactly what he was doing.

He stood from the bed for a few moments and took his jeans off, the bulge in his boxers was now completely apparent. As he moved back onto the bed, I pulled him down by his neck, catching him unaware as he fell to his bed. He pulled my leg over his so I was straddling him, I could feel his hardness pressing into me as I started kissing his neck. That’s when something hit me full pelt in the face, like I’d been pushed into a brick wall by four double decker busses full to capacity. I moved myself up and looked at the practically naked boy underneath me.

“Paige, what’s wrong?” Josh asked, running his hands down my arms, as if he was reassuring me.

“I’m such a bad person.” I whispered, not daring to look down at his face, I just stared blankly at the wall in front of us.

Josh sighed from beneath me and shuffled himself up so he was sitting instead of lying down, he put his hands on the top of my hips and made me look into his eyes, “Paige, you’re nothing but good compared to the asshole you live with.” He mumbled, moving some of my hair from my eyes.

I nodded my head and mumbled that I was sorry to him. He moved his lips back to mine and pushed me back down onto the bed. He made quick work of taking of the rest of my clothing and the rest of his. He moved his lips to my neck as his hands wandered down my body. He slipped a finger into me, so slowly I thought I might die of anticipation, I gasped into his lips as he smirked at my reaction, but he never sped up his movements. In no time at all he’d reduced me to a gasping, moaning heap of nothing.

“Josh, I need you.” Was the only thing I could manage to get out of my mouth, and he followed perfectly.

He moved between my legs and lined himself up, pushing into me with no warning at all, which made us both moan. I looked at Josh from my place underneath him and smiled, he was concentrating so hard, so I reached up and brushed the hair from his eyes, which caused him to look up at me and smile, then lean down and kiss my cheek.

It felt like no time at all when I felt the urge spread over my stomach, and I decided that I wasn’t going to let myself finish this way. I grabbed onto Josh’s neck and pulled him down so I could whisper into his ear.

“Not like this.” I breathed, and he understood clearly what I meant, I didn’t want to come the way I had done for the past however long it had been.

He pulled himself out of me and guided me so I was on my knees and he was behind me. He pushed himself back into me and stopped, only to moan quietly, and then he pulled me up, so my back was pressed against his chest. His arm held me up, as mine went around his neck to hold myself up, and in that position, it took no time at all until we had both collapsed onto his bed.

The last thing I remembered before drifting off into nothingness was Josh pressing a small kiss to my head and mumbling something that I didn’t hear.