Not Quite Satan

I stared blankly out the window of the non-moving bus, I was listening to So Wrong, It’s Right over and over again on loop, I didn’t know what to feel or say. Part of me was touched, part of me was furious and part of me wanted to embrace Alex and tell him everything I still felt toward him. I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie, deciding to confront Alex about the song meanings.

I pulled on a pair of Nikes and quickly and made my way over to All Time Low’s bus, I didn’t even bother to knock on the door I just stormed inside. Flyzik and Vinny were playing cards on the small table; I asked them where Alex was. Shock took over their expressions and pointed to the bunk area; I nodded and made my way shouting on Alex.

Alex had jumped with fright and banged his head on the bunk above his before falling out into a heap on the ground, I outstretched my hand as Alex groaned, taking it as I hauled him up. I drew my hand back quickly; the bolts of electricity pulsing through my veins from his touch were too fierce for me to hold on any longer.

“Uh, is everything okay?” Alex mumbled, not looking from his feet.

“I need to talk to you.” I snapped coldly. “What are the meanings to the songs on So Wrong, It’s Right? Why did you use our so called relationship to better your music career?”

“I-I-I, it was my inspiration. I needed to let out what I was feeling…” Alex tried to explain, his brown eyes meeting my own. “I didn’t know what else to do…”

“Whatever Alex, I don’t want anything to do with you. Not after what you done and you can stop writing songs about us.” I managed to choke out, taking a step back.

“Taylor, please…let me explain…” Alex began, reaching out for my hand; I snatched it away before he could touch it. “I need to set this straight with you.”

“No, you took my virginity and then you left me when you promised you wouldn’t. You promised you would be there when I woke up. You left me when I needed you Alex.” I whispered shaking my head as tears fell freely from my eyes. “Please just stay away from me.”

With that, I turned and left. Tears were cascading down my cheeks in fat droplets as I departed from the bus, ignoring the questions from the rest of the band. I sighed, the cold wind whipping my tear stained face and pinching my nose and hands. I pulled my hoodie tighter around my body as I dug my hands into my pockets.

I started thinking all of this situation, after everything he put me through I still wanted him; I still wanted him to love me like I loved him. I was already sick of pretending to hate him; I didn’t know what I saw in those big, chocolate eyes of his when we caught each other’s eyes. I was confused. I was really, really, really confused. I didn’t know what I wanted.

My brain was going at one hundred miles an hour as I stepped back onto my own bus, I lay on the couch, unable to rid myself of all these thoughts. My brain was swirling with thoughts of Alex, memories of Alex, just…perfect Alex.

But,

I knew I wasn’t going to let my guard down that easily if he wanted to redeem himself, he would have to work for it. He would have to earn my trust before I could ever befriend him again, never mind anything else.

I had no idea what I was thinking, these emotions were all alien to me, I wanted to hate Alex, I wanted to punch him in the face, I wanted to love him, I wanted to feel his lips on mine again, I wanted him to whisper in my ear again, I wanted to scream at him until I burst his eardrums, I wanted to make him feel the hurt I felt but most of all I wanted him to be mine.