Not Quite Satan

The rumbling of the bus engine was causing my headache to increase; the soft lights were shining on my face intensifying the ache even more. I groaned as I tried to settle the turning cogs in my brain but I couldn’t, turning off or sleeping tonight wasn’t an option.

There was only one thing on my mind, the one thing niggling away at me, the one thing keeping me awake, the one thing that has kept my stomach in knots for the past two years, Taylor Kathleen Jardine.

Taylor is perfection at its best, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, I fell in love with her the moment I met her back in high school. I’ve loved her for three years and not a day goes by where I don’t think about what I did to her, she was my best friend.

Everything about her drew me in, the way her brown eyes twinkled with emotion, the way her hair wave of soft brown hair flowed freely from those beanie hats she wore, the way her favourite top and jeans hugged her in all the right places, how her small frame fit perfectly against mine, how she refused to throw out a pair of old converse, how she would laugh at mine and Jack’s banter uncontrollably, how we’d stay up all night and watch Harry Potter, over and over, how she’d sing and play music with me, how her bedroom window faced mine and we’d write on pieces of paper to each other.

We were young and in love, although we refused to admit we felt something that none of us had ever felt before, we tried to ignore it until the night before I was about to leave for tour. I couldn’t bring myself to think about that night, it was too painful.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I thought about different she was compared to then; her hair was all brown now, dark brown like her eyes. The way she carried herself was different too, she tried to seem more confident but she was clearly still broken. I felt new tears slide down my face, I didn’t know how I was going to get through these two months.

I didn’t know what time it was or where we were at this point, I just wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to be on tour. I wanted to be at home in bed with a bottle of wine and my song book, but I couldn’t disappoint the fans. They were the thing that made me who I am today; they made my career take off and made me into this fantastic poster boy rock star everyone adored.

But really, I wasn’t any of that; I was really a piece of scum who didn’t deserve what I had. I felt a fresh stream of salty tears run down my face onto my pillow, I couldn’t care less though. I was alone and I’d probably be alone for the rest of my life as I knew I couldn’t love anyone as much as I loved Taylor and I had fucked everything up with her, there was no going back now.

My bunk curtain flew open to reveal Jack standing there, his arms folded across his chest, foot tapping impatiently with a disapproving look on his face. I looked up at him pitifully, his expression softened instantly as he saw my tear streaked face.

Jack climbed into my bunk and pulled me into a tight hug and let me cry, I really didn’t deserve his friendship he was far too good to me. He rubbed circles on my back as he held me close, if only the fans could see me now.