I Don't Wanna See No More

The last week in Milan was one that could not be forgotten. Joe and I spent all our time together, I went to interviews with him, he helped me make my tracks sound better. At night, we would go out or even just stay in bed, eating room service. I didn’t want to go home.

“You know how much I don’t want you to go?” Joe said as I packed up my room.

“Probably as much as I don’t want to go,” I smiled, sitting down on Joe’s lap.

“I’ll be back in two weeks,” he said

“I won’t, I’ll be in New York,” I frowned.

“How long?” He asked.

“Three weeks, I’ll be in the studio there,” I said.

“And in three weeks, I’ll be on tour for three months,” he groaned.

“And I’ll be on tour midway through your tour,” I replied, looking at my calendar on my phone.

“And then it’s Christmas,” Joe fell back on the bed.

We were once again realizing why things were the way they were.

“Well, how about we meet on Christmas Eve,” Joe suggested.

“You know I have to see my parents in Seattle,” I stood up.

“Then I’ll come meet you in Seattle,” Joe stood with me.

“Joseph, that’s so much traveling for you, I can’t ask that of you,” I said.

“You didn’t ask, Kate. I want to do this. And if it means a little extra traveling than so be it,” Joe rubbed my arm in assurance.

“It would be amazing to see you,” I smiled.

“And I’m going to text, skype, call, do whatever I can in the mean time,” Joe promised.

“You don’t have to though, you know,” I wanted him to know he didn’t have to worry.

“Do you not want me to?” He asked concerned.

“Of course I want you to! It’s just, I understand if you can’t.”

“Well I want to, I’m going to,” he pulled me into his arms.

“Ugh, I don’t want to leave,” I was so comfortable with Joe.

But of course, I had to leave. Slowly pulling away from Joe, I grabbed my backpack and looked around to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind.

“come on, I’ll ride with you to the airport,” Joe took my backpack from me and led the way out. I put on my sunglasses and followed him out.

When we got outside, cameras began to explode, wanting to know the answers we haven’t given. wanting to know answers we didn’t necessarily have. Rushing into the town car, Joe shut the door and I snuggled into him.

“Wanna text me when you get home?” Joe asked, kissing my forehead. I nodded.

Getting into the airport, I got through customs and security relatively quickly. Joe also went through just so he could say goodbye to me at my terminal. We both looked at the ground, knowing that the next few months was going to be hard. Knowing that this last week was a blessing to have and that now, we were going back to how it was before. Only this time we weren’t going to keep out of touch. And the hope that once felt lost was now there again.

“I hate this,” I mumbled throwing myself into his arms.

“Me too. But hey, Christmas Eve, let’s just make it to Christmas Eve,” Joe said into my ear.

I looked up at Joe’s eyes. I touched his scruffy face softly. Slowly, I wanted to take it all in. His touch. His face, his hair, his eyes, I wanted to remember it all.

Joe pressed his lips firmly into mine once more, holding it there for a moment, we were both clinging onto one another. Hearing that my section was now boarding, I knew I had to pull away.

“Christmas Eve,” I whispered to him. With one more small kiss on the forehead, I handed the lady my passport and boarding pass. Looking at him one more time I whispered an “I love you” and got on the plane.

[...]

When the plane landed, I turned my phone off airplane mode and let the messages flood in. E-mails confirming that I would be in New York in the next few days, e-mails from Julia about my schedule. Missed calls from my parents, missed calls from the Jonas family. I saw a text from Joe as well.

-I know your flying but it’s all over the place that we spent time together, don’t worry- it read I responded

-I could care less. Just landed in LA, see a lot of missed calls from our families-

Joe texted back right away, -They are all just really curious. Glad youre back safe baby, I gotta go do this club party.-

-Have fun. I miss you already- I replied. I turned to the phone and called Julia first.

“Finally! You know I told you that you just had to go to one fashion with the guy, you guys were seen everywhere together, did you even get anything done?” Julia yelled at me right away.

“I got everything I needed done. And why does it matter?” I asked.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt again and you know how all the gossip gets,” I heard Julia sigh. I navigated my way through the airport, trying to find a taxi out front.

“Yeah, I’m aware,” I said in a rush.

“So, are you back together?” She asked

“No, yes, well, it’s weird,” I said hopping into a cab.

“Okay, well, meet me at the studio in Anaheim, we’ll start editing a little more,” Julia said. I hung up and called my parents, having a similar conversation. I then called Mrs. Jonas

“Oh Katie, it’s so good to hear from you. We just talked to Joseph not too long ago. He talked to us about your time in Milan. We had no idea that you were going to be in Milan at the same time. he said you two were able to hang out a little bit,” Denise said on the phone.

“Yeah, it was really good to see him,” I said.

“And he explained the situation between you two. I don’t quite understand it but as long as you two are happy, it works. We will miss him on Christmas Eve but we know that him being busy meant that we would see him less and we love you being apart of it so we are just fine with it,” I could tell Denise was happy.

“I’m sorry Denise, I know how you are with having him home for the holidays but I promise he will be back on time for Christmas,” I told her on the phone.

“He made it sound like he wasn’t planning to leave you on Christmas,” Denise said making me confused.

“Well we didn’t really talk about it so much but I’m sure we will figure everything out,” I said.

“You know you’re always welcome here, Kate, your family too, I do miss your parents greatly,” Denise said.

Ah yes, my parents and Joe’s parents got incredibly close. Three years of dating will do that.

“I know Denise, we’ll have to figure everything out. I’d love to talk more but we’ve just arrived in Anaheim to record,” I said while paying the taxi driver.

“Oh Nicholas is in Anaheim! Contact him!” after promising that I would and saying our goodbyes, I headed into the studio to see the producers and Julia all huddled around a mixing board.

“Hello?” I said announcing my presence.

They all turned around, including the curly, moppy, familiar hair.

“Kate! We were just listening to your mixes from Milan,” Julia smiled.

“Nick, I just got off the phone with your mother,” I laughed, pulling him into a hug.

“Kate, your tracks are dirty. I was in the studio next door when I heard them jamming out to your songs. I would only say re-record a few of these just to give a cleaner sound,” Nick suggested.

“Oh. Well, I was going to record in New York...” I said confused. It was as if everyone was planning out my life and music without me being in on it. I was getting a little frustrated.

“Well, why have to make the hike to Manhattan if I can help you right here?” Nick pointed out. While I was annoyed that such decisions were being made, Nick made a great point. And this could mean I could see Joe before he left for tour. I pulled out my phone to text Joe.

-I know you’re livin big in Europe but it looks like I won’t be in NY, text me! xo k-

“Well, let’s get to cutting,” I smiled and got to work.

“Okay, I think we should re-record and mix completely the song ‘Where the Fence is Low‘ it’s good but I feel like it’s suppose to be a song that’s hurting and you sound so happy,” Nick said honestly. The main producer seemed to agree.

The truth was, I wrote that song when Joe and I first broke up and recorded it while in Milan with my equipment so I was happy.

I got into the sound booth and tried to channel some hurt. I thought about the place I was in when I wrote this song. All the pain and loss I felt.

Nick began playing the heavily dubbed track and all the synth sounds I created in the song.

Where the fence is low
And the water is rising
And the fire comes down
And the dark fills the skies in
One foot on the ledge
And I'm feeling for safety
Somewhere between sure
And I don't know, maybe

I'm off on my rope here
I'm off on my own here
And I find my hope here
I find my own here
I'm off on my rope here
Where the fence is low
Where the fence is low (low, low)
Where the fence is low (low, low)

Each shadow I walk
To the ends of the forest
And the shape of the hands
That break the ground for us
The fear that contains
That binds like a blessing
I've been here before
Then again I'm guessing

I'm off on my rope here
I'm off on my own here
And I find my hope here
I find my own here
I'm off on my rope here
Where the fence is low
Where the fence is low (low, low)
Where the fence is low (low, low)

Low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm off on my rope here
I'm off on my own here
And I find my hope here
I find my own here
I'm off on my rope here
Where the fence is low (low, low)

When I finished recording, I had to hold back tears. I hated crying, I had cried enough and that dark place I was once at, I was no longer there. I looked at my phone and saw that I had a missed call from Joe.

“I need a break,” I said into the mic and went outside to call Joe back, I didn’t care about this record, I cared about being reassured that the darkness really was gone.

“Kate, hello,” Joe answered sounding far away.

“Hi baby,” I said in a small voice.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing, just recording, I wanted to call you back though,” I said.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that, sweetheart,” Joe said.

“Well I did, what’s going on?” I asked.

“I got your text, are you really not going to New York?” He asked.

“No I’m not, darling, I’m finalizing the album here in California,” I told him.

“Kate, you have no idea the excitement I am feeling right now. I get to be with you before tour,” he said. I could feel his smile through the phone.

“I think I have an idea.” I smiled.

Talking to Joe made me feel so much better. It reminded me that my light was back.

“Kate, about what you said in the airport,” Joe broke the silence.

“What did I say?” I was confused once again.

“I love you too,” he replied.

I gasped a little. Of course I knew that Joe still loved me but I had been yearning to hear those three words (four with the “too”) for months.

“Joseph,” I was about to say he didn’t have to say it but he cut me off.

“No, Kate, I have been dying to say it, dying to let you know once again that I love you, that I am in love with you. I know that this is going to work for us. Right now, we may not have the timing right but I know that I will forever be yours,” Joe said. I didn’t know what to say.

“Kate!” I heard Nick yell from the door.

“Joseph, I love you too,” I laughed.

“But I have to go, your brother is helping me with my recordings,” I rolled me eyes. Nick was ready to slave drive.

“Of course, okay baby, I’ll see you in two weeks,” Joe said.

“I love you, Joseph,” I said

“I love you too, always”

I hung up and looked over at Nick.

“So are you guys back together?” Nick asked me.

“We’re giving it time,” I smiled.

Nick didn’t have to understand, no one had to understand. For now, Joe and I were happy.