Broken Minds

William sat up so he could look his boyfriend in the eye. Gabe leaned forward, seeing the tears still standing in the corner of his boyfriend’s eyes and pressed their foreheads together as he held on to William’s face firmly but with a touch of kindness.

“Bill, I want you to understand one thing.” William stared deep into Gabe’s eyes as he spoke. “I love you and cheating is the furthest thing from my mind. It has not and nor will it ever happen.” Gabe pulled back enough to kiss the other’s forehead. “Understood?” William nodded before being pulled into a slow passionate kiss.

William looked at Gabe after breaking the kiss. “I’m sorry for thinking that way,” he said quietly.

“Nothing to be sorry about. So don’t beat yourself up for your thoughts. Just know they weren’t true.” Gabe reassured him again with a kiss.

They continued to sit in silence as they watched a movie, William reclaiming his place lying his head in Gabe’s lap. Gabe continuously ran his fingers through William’s long locks, massaging his scalp and relaxing him. He ended up so relaxed he started falling asleep before the movie was over.

“Bilvy baby, why don’t we go to bed before you fall asleep?” Gabe murmured softly. Reluctantly, William got up -giving up his comfy place on Gabe’s lap- and made his way into the bedroom. Gabe followed right behind him.

After lying down in the comforts of the bed and pulling the blankets over them, Gabe felt a shiver run through William’s body. Instinctively he moved closer and pulled the boy to him so his back was flat against his own chest and held on tight to William to share his warmth. They curled up together as William’s eyes closed. Gabe could feel his chest rise and fall, already slow and even. He leaned over enough to place a tender kiss on William’s bare shoulder, a kiss goodnight for the one already asleep.

The following evening Gabe and William decided to go out to eat. Nothing fancy, nothing big, just a simple little restaurant. They were currently sitting at their booth waiting on their food. Gabe wasn’t surprised when William didn’t order much. He didn’t expect him to.

“Sisky and them want to take me out to see some new band later this week.” William stated with a shrug.

“You going?” Gabe wasn’t going to tell him he couldn’t if he was asking permission. He didn’t want to be controlling. He wasn’t that type of boyfriend.

“I don’t know.” William sounded unsure.

“You should. It would be fun. You need to go out do a little.” Gabe motioned for the boy to sit back slightly as their food arrived. “You should go Bilvy. I mean it.”

“What about you?” William asked out of concern.

”What about me? I’ll be fine. I’m a grown ass man. I think I’ll survive a few hours alone in your apartment.” Gabe chuckled as he took a bite of food.

They stopped talking long enough to eat. Gabe was nearly done with his and William had yet to even eat half of his. Gabe knew he was fighting himself on trying to ea,t but the fact he was eating a little was enough for him to not say anything.

When Gabe was finished, he sat back in the soft booth and waited for William to finish. He frowned slightly when the dish was pushed toward the center of the table only half eaten. They sat looking at the center of the table for several minutes before Gabe looked up at William.

Quickly, with a hurried ‘excuse me’ William got up and went to the opposite side of the restaurant to the restroom, leaving quickly enough to not notice the frown on Gabe’s face. He went to the furthest stall and knelt down with a heavy breath. He didn’t want to do this, he really didn’t. He brought his hand up like he was so used to doing and pushed his fingers to the back of his throat, producing results like his body was so well prepared for. It was almost second nature.

Leaning over the toilet, coughing and spitting, he didn’t hear the door to the restroom open. He didn’t see the shoes standing outside the stall door. He didn’t hear the defeated sigh from the man standing there waiting, knowing. He didn’t know Gabe was standing there with his arms crossed and a sad expression covering his face and tears in his eyes until he opened the stall door and saw it for himself.

William eyes flew wide; the deer in headlights look clear in his eyes. He knew Gabe knew what he just did but his mind was working quickly for an excuse. Something for a way out, trying to escape reality. He opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t even try to deny what you were in here doing Bill. I know.” Gabe’s voice was harsh. He wasn’t going to take an excuse from him. They were beyond that. He knew better than to believe anything he would have come up with to say anyway. He’d been right behind him and heard a majority of what went on, it didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure it out.

Defeated, William walked past Gabe back out to the restaurant and out to Gabe’s car. He wished he’d drove but then he’d probably just piss Gabe off even more if he left without him like he desperately wanted to right then. He sat in the car and waited for Gabe to show up after paying the bill. It was a long five minutes to William.

When he saw Gabe walking out the door and start for the car, he slouched down and looked at his folded hands in his lap. He didn’t want to look at Gabe and figured Gabe didn’t want to look at him either. The door opened and Gabe got in the car and drove back to William’s apartment in silence, not once looking at the person beside him.

They both got out of the car and made their way up to William’s place and went in. Gabe went right into the bedroom and shut the door, leaving William alone in the rest of the apartment trying to figure out how to fix his mistake and not having a single clue as to how.

Gabe finally emerged from the bedroom an hour later. William was sitting on the couch, staring into space, his eyes slightly red from a few tears being shed. Gabe felt bad for a minute until he remembered why he had been mad to begin with. He sat down on the opposite end of the couch and glanced briefly at the boy who looked at him right then. The moment their eyes met they both looked away. Gabe wasn’t going to say what was on his mind; he knew it wouldn’t do any good. Instead he was going to pretend like it didn’t happen for the time being.

William thought of apologizing yet again. It seemed like that’s all he’d been doing recently. He also thought of promising it wouldn’t happen again, but he couldn’t say that promise would stick. He didn’t want to break a promise to Gabe. He loved Gabe and making a promise he knew he couldn’t keep was too much, he knew that would hurt Gabe more than what he was doing.

That night when they went to bed, Gabe turned away from William still slightly pissed but able to share a bed. He fell asleep with barely an audible goodnight hanging in the still air. William fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow.

In the morning Gabe was the first to awake. He looked beside him at his boyfriend still sleeping and looking rather peaceful. He thought maybe he’d been a little harsh the previous day, but he’d had it with William defeating the purpose of eating. He was undoing everything Gabe was trying to do. Only he was doing it intentionally. Gabe didn’t understand how he could be doing this and keep doing it when he knew Gabe didn’t like it, couldn’t stand it.

He was sitting at the table drinking a coffee when William finally emerged. His hair was a mess and sticking up all over the place at odd angles. He saw Gabe and didn’t know what to do or say or if he should even do either.

“Morning,” Gabe managed between sips of his drink. William grabbed water and sat down across from him.

“Morning,” William echoed. His voice sounded rough and foreign to him but he ignored it.

“Maybe I was too inconsiderate last night.” Gabe said looking down at his mug. “It’s just-“

“Don’t worry about it Gabe. I understand. I get it.” William interjected. He knew where Gabe was coming from.

Later that day, Gabe left to go run a few errands he had been putting off. While he was out William’s stomach was protesting wildly. He didn’t want to eat because that would defeat the purpose of losing weight. He didn’t even know why he was still trying so hard to do so because Zach didn’t want him back. He didn’t want the man back anyway. But he still saw that image of the flesh on his stomach being pinched together and he didn’t want that.

He started opening every cupboard door, searching and finding nothing. He moved through every room in his place looking, searching for something either sharp other than a knife or that he could break. He needed that release to take his mind off the food he was craving. Finally, he was defeated. He had no other choice. William tramped back into the kitchen, pulled open the knife drawer and pulled one out. He looked at it, studying it carefully.

He made his way over to the sink and pulled his sleeve up. He felt the knife dig in to his arm and felt the instant burn as the knife was dragged across the scars several times. He was staring at the blood dripping into the sink, too enthralled in the sight to hear the door open. He was startled at the sound of keys hitting the floor and jerked away, straightening up quickly at the sight of Gabe standing in the doorway, his jaw hitting the floor.

Just as quick as Gabe appeared, he disappeared to the sound of a slamming door. William closed his eyes, knowing he’d fucked up again. He washed his arm off, throwing the knife in the sink to wash later. After drying his arm, he pulled his sleeve back down and sat down on at the table with his phone in his hand. He sent a text to Gabe asking him to come back and waited.

He heard the door open this time and heard the footsteps of Gabe, as he got closer. Once he was in the same room he sat down on the chair opposite William. He looked at him waiting for an answer, something.

“I-I don’t know what to-to tell you Gabe. I-I’m sorry.” William said, looking up finally and meeting Gabe’s eyes. He could feel the tears building but didn’t want to let them fall. He messed up he shouldn’t be the one to cry.

“Why Bill? Tell me why?” Gabe lifted his head slightly. “Why do you keep doing this? You aren’t fat Bill. Never have been. I don’t understand how something someone said got so out of control.”

William shrugged. He was at loss for words. He didn’t know how to explain something he didn’t have an answer to himself. He wished he knew how it got out of control. He wished he knew so he could stop it. He wished he knew so he could answer Gabe. “I-I don’t kn-know.”

“You need to get help. I can’t help you anymore apparently. I don’t know what the fuck else to do. Let me help you or get help yourself.” Gabe put his hands down on the table and looked at William his own tears shining in his eyes closer to falling than the younger man’s.

“You can’t help me Gabe,” William said flatly. “I don’t need help.”

“The fuck Bill!” Gabe slammed his fist down onto the table and stood for emphasis. “Look at you! Have you looked in a mirror lately? Have you seen your arms?” He reached for William’s arms for him to only pull back. He knew what was hidden underneath the fabric even if William wouldn’t show him.

Gabe left the room, fed up with the lack of answers and the confusion. Instead of leaving like he desperately wanted to, he only went and sat heavily on the couch. He wiped hastily at a few tears that managed to escape. He wasn’t going to give William the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He knew it was a losing fight with William, and it was a fight he didn’t want to be in anymore.

“I’m going out in an hour with the boys,” William announced getting off his phone Gabe had never heard ring. “That band is playing tonight.”

The only response William got was a brief nod from Gabe. Gabe didn’t even turn around and tell him goodbye when he left an hour later.

William rode with Sisky and Butcher to the bar the band was playing at. As soon as they stepped inside the building, William was hit with the strong scent of beer and cigarettes. He definitely didn’t miss hanging out in bars. He could barely see through the burn of his eyes. He could handle a few people smoking, but not an entire room of people.

They found a table they would all fit at and sat down and then they waited. William’s lungs burned by the time the band was finished playing. Everyone was talking about how good they thought they were, and when they turned to William for his response he looked out of it.

“You alright man?” Mike asked.

“Fine,” William said flatly.

“What’s going on? I can see it Bill. Something is bothering you?” Sisky added.

“It’s something personal. Don’t want to share.” William wasn’t about to say that he and Gabe had been fighting much less what they had been fighting about.

“Just let us finish our drinks and we’ll take you home,” Butcher said, taking the last long drink of his. Sisky followed suit and they stood up letting William know they were ready. Saying quick goodbyes, they all left.

William went up to his apartment and unlocked his door going in. The apartment was dark so he turned on the light looking around. “Gabe,” he called out. “I’m back.” He made his way into the bedroom and it was empty. Going out to the living room he saw a piece of paper on the coffee table.

Bill –
I’m sorry I had to leave. I couldn’t stay around here anymore watching you slowly kill yourself.

I love you.

Gabe

William fell onto the couch, tears freely flowing. Gabe was gone.