I Lost My Fear of Falling

Today was the day.
The day I left.
Everything I owned was packed up and on its way to California already. My dad and I had said our stiff goodbyes last night.
I dragged through getting ready. I didn’t want to leave the house I’d grown up in.
But it finally came time to leave.
My car had been sold already, as had River’s, so my mom and River were taking a taxi and Mikey, Wes, Frank, Gee and I were going together.
I managed to not burst into tears the whole ride over. I was wearing my lock and Mikey’s Anthrax shirt under his flannel shirt.
Wes was crying by the time we got to the airport. River and Mom were already in by the time we got there.
“Em, you might wanna say your goodbyes now.” Mom said softly, looking at us.
First was Frank.
“I’m gonna miss you Em.” He gave me a tight hug. “Take care.”
“Thanks Frankie.”
Next was Wes.
“Oh my God.” Both of us burst into tears at the same time. “Don’t you dare forget me Autumn. I will hunt your ass down if you ever stop calling.”
“I won’t Wednesday.” I promised, kissing her cheek. “Soul sisters.” We pressed our blood brothers scars together. I started to move away but she grabbed my hand.
“Take this.” She wrapped her red scarf around my neck. “To remember me.”
Gee held his arms open for me and I hugged him. “We’re still gonna write that graphic novel, kid. I promise.” He said, squeezing tightly.
“Thanks Gee.” My voice was going hoarse with tears already.
And last was Mikey, my beautiful Mikey.
His eyes were glassy, like he was on the verge of tears. Gee, Wes and Frank moved away to give us some privacy.
We just stood for a while, holding each other. His chin was on top of my head and our arms were wrapped around each other.
“Emmy, baby, don’t leave me.” He begged.
“I don’t want to.” I sobbed. “You taught me to love Mikey. I’ll never forget you. I’ll come back for you.”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise. I will never leave you.” I rested my hand over his heart. “I’ll always love you.”
“I love you so much.” He kissed me.
This kiss was full of desperation and bitterness.
It would be the last time I kissed him.
I leaned my head against the window, tears rolling down my face silently.
In the end, I was right.
Love opens you up for agonizing suffering, worse pain than you can imagine.
I lost my fear of falling and broke in the fall anyway.
He couldn’t catch me.
I crossed my arms over my stomach and heard a rustle. I looked down and saw an envelope jammed in my pocket.
For my beloved Emmy. It said on the front in Mikey’s handwriting.
Inside were two pieces of paper.
Emmy,
By now you’ve left me and are flying away, out of my reach. This hurts more than I could have ever imagined, thinking about living without you, graduating without you by my side.
I will never forget you.
No matter how many years pass, I will never stop loving you. The changing leaves will remind me of your name. The snow will remind me of your laugh.
I will always love you, Autumn.
Forever yours,
Mikey
I wiped my eyes furiously and looked at the other slip of paper.
Across the top it said, “Demolition Lovers.”

Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through and

I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running

But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

Until the end, until this pool of blood
Until this, I mean this, I mean this
Until the end of...

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...

All we are, all we are
Is bullets I mean this

As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun

And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever

My tears splattered onto the paper and everyone in the plane turned at the sound of my sobs.
That sound was the sound of extreme suffering, the sound of a heart breaking.
I left the shards of my heart in Jersey, scattered on the floor of an airport.
But I left the key to it with the boy next door.
My love.
My Mikey.