Maybe We're Not Meant To Be

The trip was only supposed to be an hour or so but it felt like years. The whole car ride consisted of Arrow yelling or me just messing up in some way. I don’t think he understood sometimes that I tried so hard to make him happy, but all he did was yell and fuss. If all I did was fuck up why did he stick around for so long? Part of him had to love me like I thought I loved him. I just wanted things to be perfect again, but wanting never got me anything. When I heard we were going back I was so happy, but now the more I think about it I don’t know why I was. I have nothing to go back to.

I am quite sure that Sixx hated me with his whole being along with all my friends. I wouldn’t blame them though if they did. Sometimes when I stop and think about it I really hated myself too. I was just a gullible mess that believed some of Arrow’s sanity was left. I don’t where it went, when it went or why it went but I wanted him to go back to normal.

I watched the road signs passed my eyes falling back to my lap. Arrow was off in another rant, but luckily it wasn’t about me. I think he was lost and as funny as it was I didn’t giggle. Arrow would probably kill me if he even saw me crack a smile.

“We’re almost there.” I reassured him softly reaching out to place my hand on his upper thigh. For once he didn’t reject my touch in fact it almost looked as if…well as if it almost calmed him down.

“How would you know?” He took the moment to look away from the road and actually smile at me. That one gesture just sent butterflies through me. He had smiled at me; I felt like a little school girl to be perfectly honest but I couldn’t help it. It had been so long. All I received lately were glares and scoffs.

“I wasn’t the new kids, remember?” I teased softly, my eyes quickly averting back to my lap. I was merely testing the waters. He must have noticed the change in my mood and from the corner of my eye I saw his eyebrows furrow. He was thinking. This thought made me frown, my fingers shaking nervously. It was never good when he was thinking; it always meant bad things and it scared me. Had I done something? I shouldn’t of teased him, I should of just sat there and bask in the smile. I had taken things too far.

To my surprise he only shook his head, the car stopping as we hit a red light. “I’m sorry Nykkie.” I waited for more but nothing came instead of opening my mouth and ruining the moment I just gave a small nod of my head.

“Don’t just nod…it’s not okay.” He started once more keeping his eyes on the road. This was hard for him I could tell. For the time that I had known him he never apologized for anything. He just wasn’t that type of person. In his mind he was never wrong and misfortunately I had gotten used to that.

“I’ve been so fucking awful to you and you’re always there for me. “ I opened my mouth but he cut me off, starting to drive once more. I wasn’t sure how to take this in my mind was so used to him yelling and screaming at me. This soft tone was foreign to me.

“I don’t understand how lucky I am to have you. You’re the sweetest boy…and yet I lie to you, I steal from you, I fuck around behind your back, I yell at you, I call you horrid names, fuck I even beat you for my own mistakes. How do you stick around?”

I decided to sit still and listen to his endless monologue of self-hate.

And continue on he did until the car stopped at those battered apartments that I had tried so hard to push to the back of my mind. As foolish and childish as it was I blamed the apartments for the downward spiral of our relationships. Arrow and I were good until I had moved in. Maybe the demons in the walls whispered hateful things to him at night. Hateful things that changed someone once beautiful.

It was so unlikely but my shattered heart needed something to believe.

He paused in his ramblings and shut off the car his eyes holding no emotions and my fear came back. Nothing would change. Those sweet words were said and were now erased. He had meant them in the moment but now as his hard eyes scanned the people entering and leaving the apartments doors old times were coming back.

We would unpack and he would get high then we would fight. Everything would of course fall back into the same old routine and somewhere in the back of my sick mind I was perfectly fine with that. I loved the rare moments when he was gentle, but my body and mind was used to the abuse.

Maybe I was masochist (among many other disorders).

As we exited the vehicle Arrow once more surprised as he grabbed all the bags. I thought he would leave the chore to me; I would be the one to unpack no doubt. “Same room.” Was all he murmured locking the door. He watched me for a moment obviously expecting me to start walking.

I did and quite quickly, I didn’t want him to embarrass me in front of all the people that littered the side walk. Gods knows he was good at embarrassing me. I tried to keep my mind off the room. It was just a room and it probably, most likely, looked totally different. I wouldn’t recognize it. Hopefully, but the more I reassured myself the more I started to sweat. What if I had a panic attack as soon as I stepped in?

Arrow said it would be better to take the stairs while he took the elevator. I did as he was told. I needed to lose some weight anyways; then maybe he would stop sleeping around.

I finally made it to the room and lightly tapped one the door. It only took a minute or so but soon a familiar looking blonde girl was poking her head out. Sam…? She looked different. She looked so hollow…so much like me. I tried not to cry but when she pulled me in her arms the tears overflowed. “Baby boy..” she murmured wiping my pathetic tears away with her ratty sweater sleeves.

We didn’t say anything we just sat in silence. Arrow hadn’t made it up to the room, but I tried to reassure myself that maybe he had just gotten lost. Sam helped me un-pack my things and when we were done we busied ourselves with talking. Though every now and then her eyes would travel down to the cheap little Cricket cell phone in her lap. Who was she texting? Did she have a boyfriend? A friend? A drug dealer?

It was obvious that she was still using and selfishly I envied her. I would do anything for a hit of anything. The drugs always made me numb and always left me brain dead. Only God knows half of the things I did under the influence.

Before I could ask she was looking up at me with an almost nervous smile, “I…I texted Sixx.” The breath in my throat caught and my lips parted in mild shock. Sixx…I tried to stop thinking about him, but it was hard. He was my first love there really was no way I could ever forget him. I was just too ashamed to ever show him my face.

If he knew everything he would hate me. He would think I was some filthy, pathetic whore and I wouldn’t blame him. I left him when everything was beginning to patch up just because I needed someone to love me. So many unwanted memories came flooding back I felt ill. I covered my lips as the need to vomit overcame my whole body but nothing back out. There really was nothing in my body to come out, well except blood, I hadn’t ate in days.

“I told him you were here, don’t hate me.”

I blinked back more tears and nodded tucking my head in-between my legs. Did that mean he would come? Most likely not. Had he responded to her text message?

Of course I was too much of a pussy to ask. I didn’t need her thinking I still had any feelings for him. She would end up telling Sixx or worse Arrow and I didn’t need that.