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One Last Chance
Thirteen
Severus allowed himself to stare at Remus in shock for a long moment before jumping to his feet. “Get out.” He snarled through clenched teeth. Remus just stared at him, his face unreadable. “Now.” He commanded, drawing his wand on the man. He opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to think better of it as he closed it again. He continued to stare at him as he backed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.
Severus stared at the door his love had just exited through. He could not believe Remus thought he would hurt Harry. That he would nearly kill the boy. He would never lay a hand on any child, let alone one he had grown to care for. Severus had grown up being brutally abused by his own father. He didn’t want any child to ever have to go through that pain. He closed his eyes, memories of what his father had done to him washing over him.
He had fallen in love with a man who didn’t know him at all. He couldn’t believe he had been so utterly stupid. He had allowed the walls he had spent the past twenty years building to fall completely down. He had allowed another into his heart, mind, and soul once again. He was a fool to think Remus cared for him. That he actually loved him as he had said he did. That he would stick by him through everything.
Not thinking about what he was doing, not thinking about the fact that it would hurt like hell, not thinking about the fact that he was about to have a breakdown in front of two other people, he strode toward the wall and began slamming his fist into it. He heard a crack and knew that his hand was broken, but he didn’t care. He kept driving his fist into the wall over and over, tears streaming down his face. Blood was pouring from his hand, but it didn’t hurt. He was completely numb at this point.
He went to slam his hand into the wall again, but somebody had seized his arm, pulling him backward. Squinting through his tears, he realized that it was Minerva. He stopped fighting and allowed himself to be led over to a nearby bed. He sat on the edge, staring down at his mangled hand. It was starting to throb, but he welcomed the pain. He didn’t want to be a numb, emotionless being any longer. He wanted to feel everything. No matter how much it hurt.
His wrist was grabbed again, gently this time. He heard Poppy mumble a few spells and looked down to find his hand mended as well as blood free. He looked up to thank her, but she had already shuffled back into her office, leaving him alone with Minerva. Severus glanced over at Harry and felt a strong wave of emotions hit him again. He screwed up his face, but it was no use. He was crying again.
Sobbing, actually. Sobbing as he had as he’d held Lily’s lifeless form in his arms, willing her to come back to him. That night was the only other time he had allowed himself to cry as he was now. He couldn’t allow himself to break down during his days as a spy. Crying was weakness. Crying was lethal. Crying was for fools. Yet, he didn’t care at this moment. The events of the past twenty years were catching up with him.
If it weren’t for him, Lily would still be alive. He didn’t even care if it meant she would be married to James Potter. She would be alive and that would be enough for him. If it weren’t for him, Harry would have grown up with two loving parents, instead of a family of abusive Muggles. If it weren’t for him, so many witches and wizards would still have their lives. If it weren’t for him, the world would be a completely different place. He was to blame for everything. Harry should have left him to die in the boathouse. Everybody would be better off. Justice would have been served. He didn’t deserve to live. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He didn’t deserve shit.
He felt Minerva sit down next to him on the bed. Severus instantly turned away, keeping his
face buried in his hands. He wasn’t surprised that she wasn’t attempting to comfort him. Nobody except for Albus and Remus had ever seen him have a breakdown before. She was probably shocked into silence. What did surprise him were the two arms that suddenly wrapped around him, trying to pull him close. The human contact made him lose control completely, his sobs becoming desperate gasps. She didn’t let go of him, nor try to comfort him with meaningless words. He was grateful for this and he allowed himself to bury his head in her shoulder, his arms handing limply by his sides.
He didn’t know how much time passed, but he finally gained control of himself. Embarrassed about his current position, he pulled away and turned his head, staring out of the window. “I apologize.” He mumbled to Minerva. “Don’t you dare apologize, you idiot boy!” Came her harsh reply. He said nothing, just wiped at his very wet face with his fingers. He couldn’t believe he had allowed himself to breakdown like that. Severus hadn’t cried like that in sixteen years. “He loves you, you know.” She said, quieter this time. He couldn’t help but let out a harsh laugh at that remark. “You are wrong. He doesn’t give a damn about me.” Remus had sure as hell proved that earlier. He was nothing but a good fuck, a replacement for Black.
“I know his current actions may not suggest so, but I know he does. Who did he give that necklace to? Who did he come seek out when he could hardly stand on his own two feet? Who did he dance with in front of hundreds of people? I could tell by the look on his face that he realized his mistake as soon as he made it earlier. Anybody could have seen the hurt in his eyes. You two love one another, don’t let this one happening destroy you, Severus. As for a few moments ago, don’t you dare be embarrassed. I have known you for twenty five years. You have experienced more throughout that time period than most human beings experience in a lifetime. You have been an inch from death more times than I could even begin to count. You have gone through things that nobody should ever have to go though. You have never showed any sign of weakness. You have never complained, nor cracked under the pressure. That happening a few moments ago was long past due and we both know it.” Her speech ended and he sat emotionless, not trusting himself to speak. He had a feeling he would resume his pathetic crying if he did.
She patted his shoulder before exiting the hospital wing. He glanced over at Harry who was still fast asleep. The boy looked so peaceful, like he was in another world. He wished he could have an escape from it all. His three month coma had been the biggest stress reliever of his entire life. Sighing as he thought of the day’s events, he moved so he was lying down on the bed. He would lay here and watch Harry for a few more hours before he had to go back to the dungeons.
Severus stared at the door his love had just exited through. He could not believe Remus thought he would hurt Harry. That he would nearly kill the boy. He would never lay a hand on any child, let alone one he had grown to care for. Severus had grown up being brutally abused by his own father. He didn’t want any child to ever have to go through that pain. He closed his eyes, memories of what his father had done to him washing over him.
He had fallen in love with a man who didn’t know him at all. He couldn’t believe he had been so utterly stupid. He had allowed the walls he had spent the past twenty years building to fall completely down. He had allowed another into his heart, mind, and soul once again. He was a fool to think Remus cared for him. That he actually loved him as he had said he did. That he would stick by him through everything.
Not thinking about what he was doing, not thinking about the fact that it would hurt like hell, not thinking about the fact that he was about to have a breakdown in front of two other people, he strode toward the wall and began slamming his fist into it. He heard a crack and knew that his hand was broken, but he didn’t care. He kept driving his fist into the wall over and over, tears streaming down his face. Blood was pouring from his hand, but it didn’t hurt. He was completely numb at this point.
He went to slam his hand into the wall again, but somebody had seized his arm, pulling him backward. Squinting through his tears, he realized that it was Minerva. He stopped fighting and allowed himself to be led over to a nearby bed. He sat on the edge, staring down at his mangled hand. It was starting to throb, but he welcomed the pain. He didn’t want to be a numb, emotionless being any longer. He wanted to feel everything. No matter how much it hurt.
His wrist was grabbed again, gently this time. He heard Poppy mumble a few spells and looked down to find his hand mended as well as blood free. He looked up to thank her, but she had already shuffled back into her office, leaving him alone with Minerva. Severus glanced over at Harry and felt a strong wave of emotions hit him again. He screwed up his face, but it was no use. He was crying again.
Sobbing, actually. Sobbing as he had as he’d held Lily’s lifeless form in his arms, willing her to come back to him. That night was the only other time he had allowed himself to cry as he was now. He couldn’t allow himself to break down during his days as a spy. Crying was weakness. Crying was lethal. Crying was for fools. Yet, he didn’t care at this moment. The events of the past twenty years were catching up with him.
If it weren’t for him, Lily would still be alive. He didn’t even care if it meant she would be married to James Potter. She would be alive and that would be enough for him. If it weren’t for him, Harry would have grown up with two loving parents, instead of a family of abusive Muggles. If it weren’t for him, so many witches and wizards would still have their lives. If it weren’t for him, the world would be a completely different place. He was to blame for everything. Harry should have left him to die in the boathouse. Everybody would be better off. Justice would have been served. He didn’t deserve to live. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He didn’t deserve shit.
He felt Minerva sit down next to him on the bed. Severus instantly turned away, keeping his
face buried in his hands. He wasn’t surprised that she wasn’t attempting to comfort him. Nobody except for Albus and Remus had ever seen him have a breakdown before. She was probably shocked into silence. What did surprise him were the two arms that suddenly wrapped around him, trying to pull him close. The human contact made him lose control completely, his sobs becoming desperate gasps. She didn’t let go of him, nor try to comfort him with meaningless words. He was grateful for this and he allowed himself to bury his head in her shoulder, his arms handing limply by his sides.
He didn’t know how much time passed, but he finally gained control of himself. Embarrassed about his current position, he pulled away and turned his head, staring out of the window. “I apologize.” He mumbled to Minerva. “Don’t you dare apologize, you idiot boy!” Came her harsh reply. He said nothing, just wiped at his very wet face with his fingers. He couldn’t believe he had allowed himself to breakdown like that. Severus hadn’t cried like that in sixteen years. “He loves you, you know.” She said, quieter this time. He couldn’t help but let out a harsh laugh at that remark. “You are wrong. He doesn’t give a damn about me.” Remus had sure as hell proved that earlier. He was nothing but a good fuck, a replacement for Black.
“I know his current actions may not suggest so, but I know he does. Who did he give that necklace to? Who did he come seek out when he could hardly stand on his own two feet? Who did he dance with in front of hundreds of people? I could tell by the look on his face that he realized his mistake as soon as he made it earlier. Anybody could have seen the hurt in his eyes. You two love one another, don’t let this one happening destroy you, Severus. As for a few moments ago, don’t you dare be embarrassed. I have known you for twenty five years. You have experienced more throughout that time period than most human beings experience in a lifetime. You have been an inch from death more times than I could even begin to count. You have gone through things that nobody should ever have to go though. You have never showed any sign of weakness. You have never complained, nor cracked under the pressure. That happening a few moments ago was long past due and we both know it.” Her speech ended and he sat emotionless, not trusting himself to speak. He had a feeling he would resume his pathetic crying if he did.
She patted his shoulder before exiting the hospital wing. He glanced over at Harry who was still fast asleep. The boy looked so peaceful, like he was in another world. He wished he could have an escape from it all. His three month coma had been the biggest stress reliever of his entire life. Sighing as he thought of the day’s events, he moved so he was lying down on the bed. He would lay here and watch Harry for a few more hours before he had to go back to the dungeons.