Happiness For A Pessimist

I stayed out almost all night doing what John said I'd do, whoring myself out for money. Once I was done I made my way back to the bus. I was tired both physically and emotionally and I probably looked like I'd been fucked by multiple men as well. I neared the venue and noticed only one bus was in the parking lot, The Maine's bus. I got to the bus and pushed open the door instantly being greeted by Pat. "Where have you been!" Pat exclaimed throwing himself at me. "We couldn't leave because we couldn't find you and John was freaking out."

"Are you ok? You look a little sick?" Kennedy said walking over to me and leading me to the couch.

"I'm fine." I mumbled. "Where's John?" I asked biting my lip nervously.

"He's in his bunk." Kennedy said. I nodded softly before curling against Kennedy and feeling my eyes grow heavy. "You should go talk to him, he's upset and worried about you." Kennedy said to me.

"I don't wanna." I mumbled against his chest.

"You have to let him know you're ok, he was worried." Garrett spoke up.

I sighed and stood up making my way to John's bunk. "Haven?" Kennedy called. "Are you limping?" I shook my head before disappearing into the bunk area. I made my way to John's bunk and opened the curtain. He was lying there listening to his iPod while writing in his notebook. He looked up to me and a smile spread across his face. He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly.

"Are you ok? Where were you? What were you doing?" he asked bringing me into his bunk and closing the curtain behind me. I curled against his side suddenly not feeling like talking.

I don't want to worry John about the things I did this night, or what happened with Issac today. "I was just thinking." I told him.

"About what?" he asked softly holding me close to him.

"About how I didn't mean anything I said earlier. I love you John and I want to stay here with you." I whispered looking up at him. John smiled and held me closely.

"I love you too Haven and I'm sorry about everything." John mumbled against my hair as he held me tightly. "You ok now?" he asked.

"I will be." I whispered.

We were silent for a while. John's iPod was still playing music, Taking Back Sunday to be exact. Everything felt perfect, everything felt like it did before I left. Before all these problems came along and fucked everything.

"Haven." John whispered. "Will you be my boyfriend, again?" he asked softly, almost scared to ask.

I wanted to say, yes, I was dying to say yes but there was still something bothering me. "You moved on didn't you?" I asked softly looking up to him.

He sighed loudly, "Yes I did. I tried to move on, I tried to believe you were better off without me but it was pointless." He sighed.

"Issac said you guys broke up a month ago." I mumbled. "He said you guys were going out for three years." I added.

"Fuck, I knew he would tell you all that." John muttered. "I never loved him, I was trying to fill the void in my heart because I miss you."

"There's something I need to tell you." I mumbled taking a deep breath and moving a bit so I can face him. "I-I h-had a b-boyfriend for awhile." I admitted. "I left him b-because h-he was h-hurting m-me. Badly." I whispered feeling the tears bubble up. I quickly wiped away the tears before hopping out the bunk and walking to my suitcase. I rummaged through it for a bit finally finding the notebook I recorded everything that he ever did to me in thinking one day I would have the nerve to go report him.

I went back to John's bunk before crawling in and handing him the notebook. John stared at it before looking to me with watery eyes. I gave him a small reassuring nod. John took a deep breath and opened the notebook. I stared at him as he read everything page to page. He read everything, all the beatings, the raping's, the verbal abuse. The pain I was going through, the cutting, the eating disorder, the self-hatred I felt for myself.

He read it all.

Once he was done John was crying silently. He closed the notebook and set it aside before looking to me. He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't, he was speechless. He brought me into his arms and held me tightly, crying into my hair. "Haven." he whispered. "Haven why, two years?" he asked looking at me.

"I-I c-couldn't get away." I whispered. "H-he kept me t-to himself and one night after a beating he went out and I packed up and ran, I ran far away." I whispered remembering the last night I spent at L.A. It was painfully, it was tortuous and I felt like giving up on life but I didn't. I just ran and that's how I ended up in Washington, a broken, vulnerable boy.

"Haven you left to b-become who you are today, how did you think that was better?" John asked wiping his tears away.

"I don't know John. I was a stupid kid, I didn't know anything. " I mumbled.

"It's ok, you're here with me. You're safe now." John whispered bringing me into his arm again and holding me close. "You're safe now Haven." John whispered one last time before I fell to sleep.



I woke up in John's arms slightly confused until I remembered what happened last night. My ass was hurting and my muscles felt sore from all that running and stuff I did yesterday. I looked up to John and smiled softly running my fingers over his soft skin. I sighed and curled against his chest breathing in his scent.

"Are you watching me sleep?" John mumbled with a soft smile on his lips.

"No I'm just admiring you." I giggled still looking up at him.

"Haven!" Kennedy called from the front of the bus. "You're therapist is calling." Kennedy said pulling open the curtain. "Woah did you you guys fuck uh I mean uh are you guys sleeping together I mean uh yeah here." Kennedy mumbled handing me the phone.

I couldn't help but giggle a bit before putting the phone to my ear. "Hi Dr. Gold." I said resting on my back, John's arm wrapped around my waist.

"How are you today? What was your friend saying just now?" He asked.

"Well um, I with my boyfriend right now. I opened up to him last night and we talked and fell asleep." I whispered smiling and looking up to John. It felt great to say John was my boyfriend again.

"And what kind of things did you two talk about."

"Just my ex." I whispered softly.

"Are you ready to talk about that?"

"I already did." I whispered. "I rather not think about him, it just hurts. All over again." I mumbled glancing up to John who was smiling reassuringly at me.

After talking for thirty minutes he finally ended our session. I hung up the phone and set it aside before looking up to John. "I have to go set up merch." I told him frowning slightly.

"No stay here." John mumbled holding me by the waist not letting me slip out.

"I need to go or Tim will get mad." I said leaning down and kissing his lips softly before hurrying out the bunk. I gathered my clothes for the day with consisted of a pair of cut of skinnies and a tank top. I quickly dressed before hurrying to the front of the bus where John was sitting waiting for me.

"I'm walking you." John said handing me a granola bar. "And eat that." he added looking at me sternly. I nodded ripping off the wrapping and nibbling on the food. I didn't want to bring John down by refusing to eat, either way while he's at sound check I can always escape to the bathrooms and throw it up.

We walked to the merch table hand in hand, smiles on our faces. "Well what do we have here?" Issac suddenly asked leaning against the table.

"Hello Issac." John greeted before turning to me. John kissed me softly before whispering that he'd see me in a bit and leaving.

I headed to the merch tables and began setting up the displays silently not paying attention to Issac. "He's lying to you." Issac finally said after minutes of silence.

"What are you even talking about." I mumbled still not looking over to him.

"He doesn't love you, he's feeding you bull shit." He said making me stop what I'm doing and looking over to him. "He begged for me to get back with him a few days after we broke up, in fact he stopped once you came along."

"Liar." I whispered continuing with what I was doing.

"It's the truth, he's lying to you Haven. That's all he's good for." Suddenly I felt his arms around my waist as he pulled me against him. "Be mine and I'll cherish you, I'll protect and love you."

"Fuck you." I whispered. "That's what he said and he ended up hurting me." I whispered softly pulling away from him, but he grabbed onto my wrist and turned it over running his fingers over the scars. I tried to pull away but he held tightly, probably bruising me. He pressed light kissed to my wrist before looking up at me and kissing my lips. I pulled away quickly pushing him away.

"What the fuck." I screamed.

"Why do you hurt yourself?" he asked pulling me back into his arms.

"Leave me alone. " I muttered pulling away. Issac grabbed me roughly.

"I want you Haven." he hissed holding me tightly. I tried to fight against him but he was still stronger than me.

And at that moment he took me, he took all of me and left me on the ground naked and bruised.