Choke on Your Misery

Zack

I was ready to go insane from all the doctors and nurses questioning me. Rian had gotten me to the hospital, and I was immediately brought back to get stitches where I had cut my vein open. I was apparently a top priority in the emergency room, because a quite a few nurses and doctors were attending to me. I had lost quite a bit of blood prior to getting here, and I was feeling pretty lightheaded and tired. I had sat through the stitches numbly. I was only speaking when I needed to; I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I wanted to go home and hide like I had been the last five days. But now, these doctors and nurses were all firing questions at me.

“Why did you cut yourself?”

“How long were you bleeding?”

“Were you trying to commit suicide?”

“Are these other scars from cuts, too?”

“Are you in depression?”

The questions went on and on. It was pretty obvious that I had been the one who caused the cut – the scars and cuts on my arms showed that I had done it more than once before. But I was beginning to get upset at how many times they had asked if I was suicidal. I wasn’t.

“Zachary, are you going to answer any of these questions?” a nurse asked me. She was putting a bandage over the stitches I had just gotten. I was lying on a hospital bed in the emergency room, hooked up to an IV.

“I-I was trying to cut myself, b-but I didn’t mean to cut so d-deep. My... friend came running around the c-corner and scared m-me. My hand slipped,” I stammered, avoiding their stares.

“So you were trying to harm yourself?” When I didn’t answer, she pressed on, “Zachary?”

“I just... can you bring Rian in here?” I asked, shutting my eyes. One of the nurses left to get Rian from the waiting room, and a minute later Rian walked in. Alex was behind him, and I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or upset about seeing him.

“Hey bud,” Rian greeted. He and Alex looked stressed out.

“Hi,” I mumbled, looking away from them guiltily.

“How is he?” Alex asked the nurse, surprising me. He cared how I was?

“We got the cut stitched up and bandaged; it should heal within a few weeks. He lost almost two pints of blood, so he’s a bit weak. He will be for another day or so. We have him hooked up to an IV for fluids. He says that he did do this to himself, but insists that it wasn’t supposed to be this bad. I would like to call his parents and discuss maybe seeing a counselor...” the nurse said.

“No,” I said, eyes wide. My parents would be so upset with me.

Rian sighed, “They know that he cuts, and he already sees a counselor about it. I’ll talk to his parents.” That was kind of a lie; I hadn’t talked to my counselor about anything but school in over two months.

“Alright, if you say so,” the nurse said. “We would like to keep him here for a few more hours, though; to make sure his blood level and organs stay stable.”

“That’s fine,” Rian nodded.

“I’ll leave you boys alone. We’ll be in to check on him every once in a while. Call one of us in if something seems to be wrong,” the nurse told us, leaving the room.

The room was quiet for a minute, before I looked up at Rian. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost ten; your parents are going to be wondering where you are,” Rian sighed.

“I-I don’t want them to know about this, but they’re going to find out,” I said softly.

“Do you want me to call them? I’ll tell them you stayed the night or something,” Rian offered.

“Please,” I nodded.

“Alright, I’m going to go call them and grab something to drink from the cafeteria. You two... talk.” Rian walked out of the room, leaving Alex and I alone.

Alex walked closer to my bed, looking at me nervously. “Zack... I’m so sorry about the party.”

“Sure you are,” I said, rolling my eyes as I looked away from him.

“I’m serious, Zack. I’m so sorry. The girl kissed me, and I was a little too drunk to realize it was wrong,” Alex said.

“Do you have any idea how much it hurt to see you kissing someone else? I’m not a fucking toy; you can’t just play with me,” I said curtly, looking into his eyes for the first time today.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’d never purposely hurt you, Zack. I know I can’t take back what I did, but I would if I could,” Alex insisted.

I shook my head, “Alex, these cuts are because of you. I would have stayed away from cutting if this hadn’t happened – and I wouldn’t be in the fucking hospital right now. See these cuts? I’m going to be scarred, and you’re the reason for them.”

“I-I...” Alex stammered, his mouth opening and closing like a fish as he searched for words. “I’m sorry.” His voice was small, like a child that was in trouble.

“It’s not like you’re the first one to do something like this – it’s happened before. I’m not worth anyone’s time, anyway. I’m worthless,” I grumbled, looking down at my bandaged arm.

Alex put his hand on my face, forcing me to look at him. “Do not say that. You’re amazing, Zack. You’re perfect. I might be a fucking asshole, but you’re perfect. I’m the one who screwed up; not you.”

My face tingled at the touch of his hand, making me realize that I didn’t completely hate him. “I’m not perfect.”

“You’re perfect to me,” he said softly.

I bit my lip, tearing my gaze away from him. Through all the mocking and bullying I had gone through in the last few years, I hadn’t once heard anyone but Rian tell me I was ‘perfect,’ or anything remotely close to that. Tears sprung up in my eyes and I felt one run down my cheek.

“Zack, don’t cry,” Alex said, a pained expression on his face. He brushed the tear off my cheek, only causing more to flow down my face.

“S-sorry,” I stuttered, wiping the tears away with my right hand. My left hand had an IV taped to it.

“Do you think you could forgive me? I really miss you, Zack. I’ve tried to talk to you, but you’ve been pushing me away,” Alex said, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed.

I sighed, forcing myself to look up at him. “I guess I can forgive you...”

Alex smiled, reaching over to set his hand on mine. I pulled my hand away and his face fell, replaced by a look of confusion.

“I forgive you, but I don’t know if I still want to be your boyfriend,” I said softly. "I kind of lost a lot of trust in you."

“Can you consider it? I’ll never hurt you again, I promise,” Alex said hopefully. I could see the pain in his eyes and realized that he was being sincere.

“I’ll think about it; my mind is a little preoccupied right now.”

Alex smiled weakly, nodding. “I’ll head out then... come to my house and talk to me when you make a decision, okay?” he asked. I nodded and he stood up to walk over to the door, looking back at me one last time before walking out.