You've Got Me, Right Where You Need

“You’ve changed” coral said sceptically, whilst she took a seat next to me on the sofa. Her accent had thinned slightly and she was starting to sound more like I had remembered her. But that wasn’t the only thing that had changed about her. Oddly enough we were getting along fine. I mean sure was still upfront and still said what was on her mind without really thinking it through, but I know she was only saying it because that what she really felt.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you seem different lately. What happened to the cheeky, sarcastic violet that used to live here? It’s like you’ve been replace with this shy reserved person who can’t think for herself. And I know why. That Sonnie kid is bad for you, ive met guys like him before. It’s like he’s sucking all life out of you.”

I didn’t reply I just shook my head, making out like she was talking utter rubbish.

From the outside anyone could see what was going on. But it’s like I was blind to the reality of the situation. I thought Sonnie loved me and he acted like he did because he didn’t want to lose me. I mean that’s what he told me, so it should have been true right.

Wrong.

I didn’t speak to josh for 2 weeks after the gig in fear of Sonnie. Not that I was scared of him, or what he might do. I just knew it would upset him. If ever josh came into the studio I said I was busy or I got Zahra to deal with it.

In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong, but I thought Sonnie was worth it. He was only boy who actually took any notice of me and I didn’t wanna give that up. I know it sounds superficial or shallow but I didn’t care. I had spent too much time alone and now I had someone and I wanted to keep them, whatever the costs were.

My feelings for josh never went though. Every time I saw him I just wanted to talk to him or touch him. I ignored his texts and phone calls, claiming I was to busy. Even though Sonnie was never there when josh was, I still felt bad about it. If I did speak to josh, I would have to lie to him in case he left me. I didn’t want to lie to him so I didn’t speak to josh.

Josh could tell something was up from the start but he never said anything. That was until he wanted to know what was wrong. It was exactly 3 weeks after the gig and the boys were in for another photo shoot with tom. I was sat next to Zahra, pretending to do something whilst she sorted them out. They were all in deep conversation when I heard my name being whispered. I looked up to see josh in front of me.

The familiar butterflies went crazy in the pit of my stomach and my heart began to race. You know the usual when ever josh franceschi speaks to you. He nodded his head over to the sofas on the other side of the room, motioning for me to go over, but I just pointed at the work in front of me, making out like I had lots to do.

He shook his head, an annoyed look on his face, and I felt the guilt swim through me. My focus was quickly diverted though because Sonnie burst through the door. He walked right up to me, ignoring everyone else in the room.

“Hey babe, im going away this weekend. Some photography trip, I only found out today, ill be back tomorrow afternoon though. You gonna be alright by yourself?” I nodded and he lent over to kiss my cheek. “Okay. Im gonna go pack then, see you Sunday” I smiled once before he kissed me and rushed out the door.

When I got home that evening no one was in. coral was away doing a job again and liana was never really here anymore. I had a quick shower and changed into a big grey jumper and some shorts, before lying on the sofa. I was about 5 minutes into whatever I was watching when the door bell went. I slowly trudged to the door and opened it slightly, before the person on the other side pushed it all the way and barged right in.

I turned to find josh in the hall way, an angry expression adorning his features. I gulped hard and tried to remain calm, when inside I was falling apart. “Josh, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“Oh so you can actually talk to me then?” he spat at me.

“I think you should leave jo-“

“No I want some answers” he replied angrily, cutting me off. I knew Sonnie would be mad, but I couldn’t stand to see josh like this so I shut the door quietly and walked into the lounge. He followed behind me and we sat on the sofa. “Well?”

“How am I supposed to answer you if I don’t know what the question is?”

He let a breath out through his nose, and sat so he was facing me. “My question” - he said sarcastically- “is what is up with you. I try and talk to you now and you always have an excuse as to why you can’t. Have I done something wrong?”

I shook my head not being able to do anything else. I felt like the worst person in the world at that moment in time, because it wasn’t josh’s fault at all, it was mine.

“It just seems like after that gig you… oh shit” I looked up at josh and his head was in his hands.

“Josh what’s wrong?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you off I just wanted to-“

“Josh I have no idea what you’re going on about” I cut him off, pulling his hands away from his face. I looked right into his big blue eyes and had to refrain from jumping onto him.

“That song” he muttered and looked down. “The one I dedicated to you. I didn’t… I mean i-I just” he huffed and gave up.

“Josh, im not upset about that, I was flattered, it’s a beautiful song”

“Then why won’t you speak to me?” he said looking back up at me. “Why won’t you let me in anymore?”

“Its not that I don’t want to, it’s just…”

“Just what? Someone won’t let you?” he said in a sarcastic voice. When I didn’t answer he caught on to the fact that it was true. “What? Who would…? Sonnie told you not to, didn’t he” he said angrily, finally catching on. I was silent again, and he took that for a yes. “Why?”

I took a deep breath and decided to spill. “He said not to talk to you, because he thinks you like me, and he didn’t want you to take me away from him.” I looked up at josh and he was looking at me confused.

“What? That’s so stupid, I mean, why would he be mad about me liking you?”

“Not that sort of like, I mean ‘like like’ you know?”

“Oh” he said and when I looked up, a slight blush had crept over his cheeks. “Um ok then, w-why did he think that?” he sounded rushed and nervous, and also a little guilty, like he had been caught out.

“The song I guess” I looked up and he nodded. “Im sorry, it’s just didn’t wanna upset him.”

“So you upset me instead?”

Josh’s voice was quiet and when I looked up he was looking at the floor. I went to reach for his hand, but he snatched it away. “You know, I don’t know who you are anymore. What happened to the violet I used to know? The one who didn’t give a shit about what people thought of her, and promised to never to let anyone walk all over her. Cause that’s exactly what he’s doing. Where’s my violet gone?” My heart broke into a thousand pieces and settled in the pit on my stomach at the sound of “my violet” he stood up and stared down at me. “Let me know when she’s back yeah?” he said quietly before leaving, slamming the front door as he left.

I tried to hold back the tears but it was no use. I sat their letting them fall from my eyes, but I didn’t make any sound for about half an hour before I heard the front door open.

“Violet darling, auntie liana is here!” she exclaimed before coming into lounge and stopping in front of me. “Hey what’s going on” she said quietly, and kneeling down in front of me. I had tried my best to wipe the tears away, but clearly it hadn’t worked very well. I looked up at her, her features contorted into a look of concern and my tears began to fall faster. She quickly jumped up into the seat next to me and pulled me into her.

“Hey, what’s going on?” she asked rubbing my back.

“Josh hates me” I said sobbing

“Whys that?”

“Cause im a horrible person” I managed to get out between hiccups. She kissed my forehead and sat up looking at me.

“Firstly, you are the least horrible person I know, and secondly, im gonna grab us some tea, and then you are going to tell me what’s wrong okay?” I nodded and she vanished.

I was having an internal battle as to weather to tell liana the whole story. Her boyfriend and mine were best friends, and it’s not like she hasn’t blabbed before. But as soon as she walked back into the room, my walls crumbled and everything came out in a flood words and tears.

“Please don’t tell anyone, im gonna sort this out I promise” I finished with wiping my eyes. She eyed me sceptically before smiling sadly and pulling me in for another hug.

I spent the next day with Charlie, helping her pack because she and Ali were moving in together. At about half 4 my phone buzzed in my pocket. There was a text from Sonnie.

Just got home, where are you? x

I chewed the inside of my cheek before answering, trying to keep it short.

With Charlie, be back soon.

I tucked my phone back in my pocket, only for it to buzz a few minutes later. Another text form Sonnie.

Ok, well I just popping over to see Freddy so I might not be there when you get back, but ill see you soon x

I told Charlie I needed to go, and then began the dreaded walk home. With every step the sick feeling in my stomach got worse and worse, until when I finally got home and Sonnie wasn’t there. A wave of relief washed over me and I collapsed onto the sofa.

I rested my head on the arm rest as I was sprawled out, and I shut my eyes. I heard the door open a few minutes after and I heard Sonnie call my name, but for some reason I didn’t answer back. I just laid there, my eyes shut, pretending I was asleep.

He heard him walk in, and then I felt him over me. I opened my eyes to see his face above mine, but upside down, a small smile on his lips, which he pressed lightly to mine. “Where have you been love?” he asked, so I sat up and he sat next to me.

“Helping Charlie pack”

“Sounds good. What did you do yesterday?”

The part of my brain that wanted to keep Sonnie happy told me not to say it, but the part of me that told me I couldn’t carry on told me too. “Josh came round” I said nonchalantly. I felt him stiffen beside me, and he turned to face me.

“What I thought I said-“

“Josh is my friend Sonnie, I not gonna stop talking to him because you say so” I cut him off. I didn’t turn to face him, but I could feel his eyes boring into me.

“I only said it because I don’t want to lose you violet, I love you”

“You love me?” I said turning to him. His eyes were wide and he looked slightly scared. I really just wanted to shout and really tell him what I thought, but when I looked at him, I couldn’t bring myself to shout. So I took his hands and looked into his eyes. “This isn’t me Sonnie. This is what ive become because I didn’t want to lose you” he went to speak but I put a finger to his lips. “My friends hardly recognised me anymore, coral is telling me how much ive changed, and I nearly lost someone important to me because of you.”

“I never meant that violet, you have to believe me”

“I do” I said quietly and he looked up at me, a faint smile on his lips, “but things need to change”

“Anything, ill do anything as long as I get to keep you. I love you violet”

“I love you, too Sonnie” I finally admitted.