You've Got Me, Right Where You Need

“How do you tell someone that you love them that you'd do anything for them that every time you see them you get butterflies and that every time you talk you can't stop smiling yet they are already taken? and you don’t wanna interfere you really don’t wanna fuck anything up like other relationship's and you don’t wanna upset or hurt her or fall out with her or have anything bad happen to you and her?”

Remember when josh said we should meet up for coffee one day? Yeah well this was us “catching up”, a few months to late. It had been a week since I patched things up with josh, and now we were sitting outside a small café.

I looked up at him in confusion, but he was looking out into the distance. “What?” I questioned.

Instead of answering, he just closed his eyes tight and shook his head. “Nothing” he breathed and then put his head in his hands.

“No josh, I wanna help, what’s going on?” I said, reaching over and putting my hand over his. He looked at our hands, and then up at my face. He stared at me to the point where it almost became uncomfortable, but then he just smiled lightly and looked down.

“It’s um… its urh, Hanna, its Hanna. I guess you could say im not over her yet. It’s stupid, just ignore me” he shook his head and let out a little breath. I removed my hand from his and placed it back in my lap, feeling a sharp little pang in my chest. I knew he never would, but for some reason, I wanted him to be talking about me. I tired not to let it show how upset I was but I didn’t think I was doing it that well.

“Josh it’s not stupid” I said quietly. “Does she um, does she have a new boyfriend then?”

“Urr yeah” he said, but it sounded disconnected for the conversation. I nodded and chewed the inside of my cheek.

Before I could say anything else, Josh’s phone suddenly vibrated on the table, and he picked it up to read the message. He groaned lightly and I looked up to see a very angry josh. “You alright?” I asked, slight traces of humour in my voice.

“No, it’s the label, they want to see me. I’ll tell them im busy”

“No, no josh go, ive got things I need to do anyway”

“You sure?” I just nodded and he put his phone away. “Oh there’s a party at Dans on Friday, you should come, bring some people with you”

“Yeah ok that sounds good”

“Awesome, ill text you later” he smiled and then he stood up, kissed me on the forehead and rushed off. I finished my drink before heading over to H&M to pick up a few things, and try and clear my head. Thankfully Sonnie wasn’t working today so I didn’t see him.

Me, Charlie, liana and Zahra decided to go to the party together and have a “girl’s night”. We haven’t seen each other for ages and we all agreed we could do with a night without the boys.

The night of the party rolled around quickly and we were all at mine and liana’s getting ready. Charlie did my make up again, making me look better than I usually did, and after I obliterated my hair with the straighteners I started to make my way to the stairs, until I was stopped by liana.

“What you wearing tonight?” liana shouted towards me. I turned around to see the three girls looking at me expectantly. I tapped the side of my nose and the all looked at me with mixed expressions.

“What?” I questioned, jutting out my lip in mock sadness.

“Nothing personal love, it’s just, you don’t look like the type of person who buys dresses do you?”

“Yeah, remember when it was your birthday, I had to buy you a dress” Charlie giggled.

“I didn’t ask you to buy me one” I retorted

“Yes but I knew you well enough to get you one” she winked and I smiled lightly.

“Yeah well, prepare to be amazed” I said and made jazz hands, before I rushed upstairs and into my room. Inside my wardrobe was a dress that I’d bought after me and josh had had coffee. It was black, with long lacey sleeves and I teamed it with a pair of healed ankle boots.

I took my time walking down the stairs, not wanting to fall, and knocked on the door when I got to the lounge. I couldn’t hear any noise inside so I walked in and stood in the center on the room.

No one said anything at first and I started to feel uncomfortable, and thought maybe I had made a mistake. Soon enough they just stared at me with expressions of pride and shock on their faces, before smiling at me and told me how nice I looked. I blushed furiously before the girls ran off to get changed themselves.

Charlie wore a red dress with matching heals, Zahra wore an Aztec printed dress with brown shoes, but the stunner award for the evening went to liana. She wore a black dress that was figure hugging at the top, and floated out at the waist. And she had stolen my shoes, but just winked at me when I asked why she was wearing them.

“We ready ladies?” Zahra called from the door and we all scrambled outside and into the taxi that took us to Dans place. After clambering out and walking up to the door, liana bent around me and bashed on it hard. A few seconds later I herd josh shout ”password” from the other side of the door, over the pounding of the music.

“We don’t know a password, just open the door” I shouted back and after a few seconds of waiting, the door flung back to reveal a very gorgeous and slightly tipsy josh.

“Ladies, its lovely to see you” he smiled and pulled me into a warm embrace. I heard the others say hi, and when I reluctantly pulled out of josh arms, they were no where in sight. I looked around in confusion before josh saw and put his hand on my arm. “Its ok, we’ll find them in a sec, but first we need to get some alcohol inside of you and get you drunk enough so that I can take advantage of you later”

I looked up and he winked cheekily at me. I felt myself blush and tried to hide it, but thankfully josh changed the subject by asking to take my coat. I peeled it off and handed it to him; and he put it in the cupboard by the door, before taking my hand and leading me through the masses of people and into the empty kitchen. He stood with his back to me, and then handed me a cup with a goldish coloured liquid in it. I eyed him curiously, not knowing weather to drink it, but he reassured me and I took a sip.

“Bleh, josh what’s in this?” I said as it travelled down, burning my throat.

“I think the question should be, what isn’t in it” he giggled and then passed me a can if cider. I shook my head at his and took a nervous sip, before deciding it was ok.

“So is um, Hanna here?” I always felt weird when I talked about Hanna to josh, like it was really uncomfortable. I don’t even know why I asked.

“Why would she be?” he said, leaning against the worktop.

“I just figured she would cause of what you said the other day. I mean, you guys are friends right?”

“Yeah we are, um, I don’t know, I just didn’t think to ask her” I nodded lightly, and then I looked back at josh and caught him giving me the once over. He didn’t see me look but I couldn’t contain my blush. “You look really nice” he said quietly, and I looked up at him through my lashes. “Not that you don’t any other time but um yeah…” he trailed off rubbing the back of I neck.

“Thank you” I smiled and his smile back was about as twice as wide.

“So you wanna go look for the others, or stay with the j man and utterly trollied?” he asked, bring out the shot glasses. I responded by taking them off him and setting them on the table for him to fill.

About 4 shots, 2 ciders and a beer later, I guess you could say I was drunk. I don’t drink normally, so all this alcohol swimming through me was playing havoc with my mind.

Josh was clearly drunk too, since he was running around the kitchen, whilst I sat on top of the island and watched him. All of a sudden he stopped in front of me and picked me up. I tried to protest but im not sure anything came out. Next thing I knew, we were outside, sitting on the floor, our backs to the wall.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, before josh looked down at me. “Can I tell you a secret?” I giggled and nodded my head. “Ok well you know when we were in school?” I nodded again and he gulped like he was preparing what he was going to say next. “Well I had the biggest crush on you ever”

At first I thought I had heard him wrong, but soon the words settled in and I felt my blood go cold. I looked up at him and he was staring off into the distance.

“Are you serious” I managed to slur out. He chuckled lightly and looked back at me. He nodded lightly before looking away again.

“You were the reason why I changed who I was around that time, you know? I grew my hair out and listened to all those bands you did. I was trying to impress you”

I rested my head on his shoulder, and then he put his hand on my thigh, his head on top of mine. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I guess I was scared”

“Of what?”

“What people would say. I know that sounds bad but I guess things were different back then.”

“You had your friends and I had mine” I said quietly and I felt him nod his head on top of mine.

“Exactly. I was so stupid at school, walking around like I was the big I am, so far up my own arse I thought everyone loved me when im sure everyone hated me”

“I didn’t hate you” I said, moving so my legs were tucked to the side, my knees slightly draping over his.

“Really?” he asked looking back down at me.

“Yeah. I thought quite the opposite” I smiled slightly and he smiled back. I couldn’t believe I had just said that, but my brain wasn’t connected to my mouth anymore so it was just spilling out.

“You know what I said about Hanna the other day?” I nodded lightly and he ran his hand through his mop of hair. “I lied. It’s not Hanna im in love with, its you”

Sometime when you’re in shock, it’s supposed to sober you up. This definitely did. I couldn’t even stutter out a response or even begin to understand what he just said. “You love me?” I asked bewildered.

He nodded before he spoke again. “Always have vi, pretty sure I always will”

“I love you, too” I whispered, again not being able to control what I was saying. He didn’t say anything; he just stared at me wide eyed. “I kept thinking you were gonna tell me all the feelings you’ve been hiding. The same ones I have and that you remember all the stupid little things you remember me doing. And you’ll tell me that im the one you want, and you can’t stop thinking about. Just anything to give me a little hope”

“ive never stopped thinking about you. Never. And when I wrote crash every single line is exactly how I feel about you. And I really think its fait that we met again, like it’s a sign.” He moved so he was facing me and moved his hands so they were around my waist. I melted into him and he kissed my forehead. “We’re meant to be together violet. But it’s not like it matters” he mumbled the last part into my hair.

“What do you mean?” I said, pulling back so I could look at him.

“You have a boyfriend” he told me like I had forgotten. I felt my face break out into a frown and he tilted my head up so he could look at me.

“Don’t do that, your to pretty to be sad” he whispered, and his gaze dropped to my lips and then back into my eyes, pleading for permission.

“Just do it josh” I whispered, and with that he pressed his lips gently to mine.