"You Can't Stay a Saint in This City"

“Greg do you believe in parallel universes?” I ask I set up the dining room for one of the Walmart heirs in Montecito.

“No, why?” Greg says as he brings in another box of knickknacks.

“I just had a really weird dream…” I say as I arrange the candle holders along the dining room table.

“Well you can’t just leave me hanging like that Amber. I’m your sassy gay friend. We’re supposed to dish to each other.”

“Fine. Milan and I were living in a really small apartment in the Kitsilano part of Vancouver I guess we were living like typical 23 year olds. He worked at the wharfs with his brother and father and I spent my free time drinking coffee from Tim Horton’s and doing the crossword in the paper.” I say possibly leaving the most important part.

“That’s kind of sad, you know in a pathetic way not in like an ‘I want to cry way.’”

“I don’t know. It was life as it would’ve been if Milan had never been drafted and since I never attended the entry draft I had no desire to leave.” We didn’t seem miserable like I thought we would. “We seemed happier and in love.” We seemed to be in a relationship because we loved each other not because it was just convenient. “I was kind of jealous of the physical intimacy they had.”
_____

“Guess what I got you for your birthday?” asks Mike holding an envelope.

“I don’t know what did you get me?” it’s been a long day at work.

“Tickets to the premier of Breaking Dawn.”

“What the fuck?” I reply impulsively why would I want those?

“Well I saw those books on your bookshelf and decided that I’d go get them for you.” Mike replies handing me the white envelope. Well he could’ve waited for another Stephen King novel to come out as a movie or something but whatever.

“These say that their complementary tickets to the premier for ‘Mr. Mike Richards’ from the LA Kings. For my birthday you decided to give me something you got for free?” I can’t help but laugh, it’s kind of hilarious.

“I thought we were doing the whole frugal thing.” Mike says as he changes the channel from QVC to… cricket? “Besides I’m not just giving you the tickets, we are going to walk the red carpet together.”

“Did the Kings put you put to this?”

“Yeah, but this could be fun, you love dressing up.”

It’s not going to be fun when my boyfriend finds the pictures of us walking the red carpet. “So the two us will be getting all dressed up, put into a chauffeured limo and being ushered into a giant room with a million other people?”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll be just like prom.” I say wishfully.

“I wouldn’t know I never went” Mike replies as if he hadn’t missed out on much.

Oh my fucking god. “Really!? Me either.”

“Wait why didn’t you go to prom?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I mean if I had the guts, I would’ve gone alone.

“Come on Ambrosia, on the count of three.”

One, two three. “Memorial Cup Weekend!” The both of us yell it so in sync that it creeps both of us out.

“Wow,” I mean obviously I wasn’t the only one affected by this phenomenon “So I guess in two hours we’ll be headed to our make shift prom.”

“I’ll see you then Ambrosia.” Mike says, switching the television back to QVC before leaving my house and cutting through the hedges to get to his.

“Here you go.” Mike says handing me a two dozen off white roses.

“Um thanks.”

“Well, you said that we were going to treat it like our prom so brought you flowers.”

“I’m not going to have sex with you tonight if that’s what you’re trying to butter me up prom night sex.” Mike chuckles and the two of us get even convince the limo driver to take pictures of the two of us in cheesy prom like poses in my foyer.

“Ambrosia, your dress takes up as much room as a six hundred pound person.”

“Well I can’t exactly say that Versace is going to be able to loan you their best dress when you need it in an hour.” I reply as I tug on my train to pull it into the car. “But I did borrow this kick ass necklace.” I say checking for any frizzing of my updo.
“I think it’s blinding me, Ambrosia. Is it heavy?”

“Well I’m essentially wearing 2 million dollars on my neck, so yeah” Plus it comes with a body guard whose going to be monitoring it while I walk the red carpet and all that. I remember wishing Milan good luck as he left for Moncton, watching half a dozen limos drive past my house on Saturday on their way to the Pan Pacific and Milan returning looking absolutely crushed. “Don’t you ever regret not going to prom?”

“I won the Memorial Cup that year, so not really.” Mike says as he helps me get out of the car. “Isn’t there an unspoken girl rule that you shouldn’t look hotter than the actors in the movie?”

“I don’t...” My god what is everyone wearing? They look more grunge than red carpet was their stylist high this morning?

“Let me summarize, everyone here looks like crap and you look like you’re going to the fucking OSCARS. It’s exactly how I imagine your prom would look like.”

Mike and I walk the red carpet with the rest of the LA Kings which basically took forever. Nokia Theatre is actually located several blocks away from the Staples Center. We also confused a bunch of the fans since they weren’t really expecting us.

“So what’s happening?” Mike asks as the movie finally starts.

“I don’t know, I didn’t watch the first three movies.” Kristen Stewart always looks so… nonchalant.

“Do you think they have movie snacks here?” Drew Doughty asks from Mike’s other side.

“Like Junior Mints and caramel popcorn?” I ask as the opening credits roll on the screen.

“There’s no popcorn, just like how there were no previews, I think they only brought us here to watch this movie or whatever.” Mike says.

Half an hour later I’m playing with the ruffles of my dress and Mike is playing DoodleJump.

“Everyone’s getting up to leave.” Mike whispers into my ear. Sure enough I can see silhouettes move across the screen and heading to the doors behind us.

“I guess we’ve stayed just long enough to be polite.” Mike says as he too gets up.

“I suppose” I say shaking out my leg cramps and following the crowd to the exit leaving the true twihards to watch the rest of the movie.

“We were thinking about going to get something to eat.” Dustin Brown’s wife, Nicole says once we’re back onto the red carpet.

“I’d love to” I say as I reach into my Judith Lieber clutch for a mirror.

“Let’s go to the Hooter’s.” Kyle Clifford says since there is one conveniently located right in front of us. The red carpet basically overs the entire Hollywood Boulevard and since no one objects we have to climb over the barricades that separated the sign toting tweens and their parents from us only an hour and a half earlier. I can only imagine that we do indeed look like a group of teenagers leaving their prom in our gowns and tuxes.
______

“You know what Manolo Blanik once said?” After a bite of everyone’s meals, a bowl of New England Clam Chowder, and a slice of chocolate mousse cake my dress feels about two sizes tighter.

“I don’t even know who he is.” Mike says offering an arm to help me balance as I kick off my Brian Atwoods.

“He said “you put on heels and you change”” I sigh as I pick them up on the floor. “This was fun Mike.”

“Yeah, I had a great time going to ‘prom’ with you.”

“Thank you for a memorable birthday” I say giving him a hug, this has been the best birthday present I’ve gotten in a while.