Remembering the Ghost of You

July 25th, 1944

We were finally out of Normandy. I thought we’d never break through. These last weeks have just been constant fighting. I don’t know how many more were dead, but everyone I knew was alive. I was also making a point to not know too many others too well. They more friends you had here the more bodies you’d end up burying.
I sat with Bob near one of the broken tanks smoking a cigarette. It was just after sunset and come dawn we were heading to Paris.
“I can’t remember what day it is anymore. All the days run together,” Bob told me and I nodded. “And I can’t believe it’s been three months. My baby should be here soon.” I’d forgotten his wife was pregnant.
“Three months has felt like years,” I admitted. We were exhausted to the bone and still pressing forward.
“You said it,” Bob laughed and exhaled and watched the smoke drift into the air. I saw Frank and Ray approaching us then. I hadn’t seen Ray since I’d dragged him off the boat. He looked worse then all of us combined.
“Um hey,” Frank said and sat down with us.
“I’m sorry Gerard,” Ray blurted out. I raised a confused eyebrow.
“Oh yeah,” Frank said, “I found him trying to blow his brains out. Something about the guilt.”
“What?!” me and Bob exclaimed and Ray wrung his hands and wouldn’t make eye contact.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“What’s wrong?” I asked again and he sighed heavily.
“I’m sorry, I tried, I did everything I could! I … I, there, there wasn’t anything else I could do. He slipped away … too much blood … too deadly. But I tried! I tried and I failed!” he rambled and I stared at him. I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. “He … they were all dying. I tried so hard. I wasn’t fast enough … I … they …he slipped away,” he sputtered and my mind was reeling.
“You were the medic that went to Mikey?” I asked quietly.
“I didn’t even know it was him til I saw his face! I’m sorry. I’m sorry I tried so hard …I should have done more!” he cried.
“No,” I said sharply. “It wasn’t your fault that Mikey died,” I told him. “I don’t blame you.” I’d seen the wound. I wasn’t stupid. I knew it would have taken a miracle. I didn’t blame Ray though, I barely even remember the medic. That day is just a blur in my mind.
“I’m sorry,” he said again and I stood. I wrapped my arms tightly around him.
“Mikey is dead because of the Nazi’s. He is not dead because of you!” I said wanting the words to sink in. “I know you tried and I know it had to be hard. But do not walk around with the guilt. We need you here,” I told him and he nodded. I let go. “I will never blame you,” I said again. The only one I really blamed was god. If anything he was supposed to take me, not kill Mikey.
“Hey man let’s go get you some food,” Bob said after a moment and jumped up. “See you guys at camp,” he added and lead Ray away.
“Was he really trying to kill himself?” I asked while handing Frank a cigarette. He nodded.
“I freaked the fuck out and he started crying saying he blamed himself for the death,” he explained and leaned back against the tank. “Did you mean what you said?”
“Yeah, every word. He was doing everything he was trained to do,” I said and took a long drag.
“It’s kind of amazing how calm you’ve become about it all,” Frank said quietly and I shrugged.
“This is war. It’s no time to be over emotional. The busier I am the less I think about the reality of the situation,” I explained and Frank nodded.
“I think that’s what we are all doing. We are just going through this like zombies because the second you hesitate and try to act normal you die.”
“Yeah,” I said and started to walk off. He followed.
“You know what I really miss?” he asked and I gave him a questioning look. “Hot showers,” he said with a smile and I laughed. I slung my arm around his shoulder.
“I miss human food,” I told him with a smile.
“And I miss women,” he added with a laugh. “Even though I wasn’t involved with people it’s kind of a sausage fest out here.”
“I know. I miss their curves and the softness of their features,” I said and pushed images of Rebecca from my mind.
“You don’t realize it til they are gone.”
“Indeed,” he said and we headed our separate ways after returning to the main camp. He was headed to the tents and I was headed to the medical tent to see if help was needed. I needed to keep busy so that I didn’t have time to miss people.