Like Phantoms Forever

I flipped through the channels restlessly, trying to find something to watch. It was day six of my self-imposed exile. When I got back to the room after running into Alicia, I gave the key to the mini bar to the housekeeper. I had enough willpower to do that. Now I just had to have enough willpower to not walk to one of the many bars nearby and get smashed.
I heard two sharp knocks on the door. I hadn’t ordered room service and the maid didn’t knock. I got up and opened the door.
On the other side stood a very angry looking Wes. I almost wished I hadn’t opened the door.
“How fucking dare you.” She yelled. “How dare you leave and not tell any of us if you were even alive?”
“I’m sorry.” I said quietly. “It was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it, but you don’t know what it was like.”
She had opened her mouth to keep yelling, but she closed it now as her face softened.
“Can you imagine living in a house with Frank, and not being allowed to touch him? Not being allowed to hold him and tell him you loved him? Having to watch him with someone else who can touch him and hold him and tell him she loved him?” My voice broke and I wiped at the tears angrily. Wes hugged me, stroking my hair as I cried into her shoulder. “It fucking hurts Wes. It hurts your heart and rips at it until you can’t take it anymore.”
“I’m sorry Emmy.” I finally managed to calm down and we sat down on the bed to talk. We hadn’t been as close as we’d been in high school. It was time to catch up and try to repair our relationship.
We talked about Frank and touring and my alcoholism and stint in rehab and my trip to Ireland and books and music and life and love. I’d missed my best friend so much in the time we’d been apart.
We ordered room service and watched movies until 2 AM, at which point we fell asleep like we used to when we had sleepovers: half tangled up in the same bed, Wes hogging the blankets and me hogging the bed.
I woke up before she did the next morning and took a shower. When I got out, I wiped the steam off the mirror to look at myself, to really see myself.
I’d changed in nine years, in more ways than just physical. Sure, my hair had grown almost to my elbows, I had filled out and I was a little taller. But I wasn’t that same painfully shy girl. I had opened up to the world and let it batter me, and healed from it.
I wasn’t just Emmy the high school student anymore. I wasn’t the girl who let the world beat her down anymore.
I was Emmy Leeves, author, recovering alcoholic, and person.
“I deserve to be happy.” I whispered to my reflection.
--
Wes went back to my house. I would be there later, but I had a few stops to make first.
I went to see River first. I knocked on the door and prayed he wouldn’t be too angry. He took a long time to answer the door. I almost thought he wasn’t home until the door swung open and he hugged me so tightly I thought he’d break my ribs.
“God fucking damn it Emmy. If you ever do that to me again I swear to God I will put you in your grave.” River blurted into my ear. I hugged him back.
“I’m sorry Riv. I just needed the time to myself.” I spent a few hours with him, explaining everything that had happened. He offered to beat Mikey up for me, an offer I declined.
Then I went to see my mom, who started crying when she saw me. I honestly hadn’t thought anyone would have been worried about me while I was hiding. She asked if I’d started drinking again. I told her I’d fallen off the wagon a few times but I was strong again. I guess they hadn’t told Sylvie I was missing because when I saw her that day, she asked me why Grandma and I were crying.
And now it was time to bite the bullet. It was almost midnight by the time I got home. All the lights were off in the house, so I opened the door as quietly as I could and tiptoed upstairs.
There was a head poking out from under the covers on my bed. Based on the soft snore I could hear, it was Gerard. I changed into pajamas quickly and slipped into the bed.
“Mikey, get the fuck out.” Gee grumbled sleepily.
“It’s not Mikey.” I whispered.
“Em?” He rolled over to face me. “God, I was fucking worried about you!” He crushed me into a hug.
“Gee, I can’t breathe.” I said, pushing against his chest.
“Are you okay?” I knew what he was asking about.
“I fell off once, but I’m not going to again. I promise.”
“What are you going to do about Mikey?”
“I don’t know Gee. There’s really not much I can do.”
“You love him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.”
“Then be with him.”
“It’s not that simple Gerard.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not the girl he fell in love with anymore.”
“Alicia left two days ago.”
“I figured she might. What’d she say?”
“She told Mikey that she knew he would always love you more and that he couldn’t have you both. And he let her go.”
“I’ll deal with it in the morning. Good night Gee.”
“Night Em.” I had almost fallen asleep when he spoke again. “He really does love you Em.”
“If he did, he wouldn’t have left.” If he had really loved me, then he wouldn’t have let me kick him out of my room. He would have fought for me.
But he didn’t.