Skinny Love

After six months of emailing every day, texting every week and calling every two weeks, I had enough. He was driving me insane. I told him how I was feeling, and it took him longer than before to reply. I thought I had screwed it all up. A perfect friendship, someone that made me feel so much better, made me feel like I was worth so much. I had screwed it all up.

The next day, he called me up. He asked me if I could come to Amsterdam next month. He said Bring Me The Horizon - a band he befriended - was playing there. Of course, I went.
He came all the way out of England, towards the capital city of my small country. I walked from the central station towards the small venue. My palms were sweating, my fingers trembling, just like the first time I saw him. I passed the tour buses, and there he was. Standing and chatting with his friends. He was wearing the same outfit like six months ago. A pink beanie on his head, a red varsity jumper and black jeans. The only thing missing was his camera hanging around his neck.

A friend of his caught me staring, and told him I was doing so. He looked up, flashing me the same smile like last June. This time, I flashed him one back. He walked towards me, still smiling.

“Hey,” was all he said, before hugging me tight. I chuckled softly while hugging him back. I felt a lot less nervous than before. I felt safe in his arms.
“Did you have a nice trip?” He asked, and I nodded in reply.

“How was yours?” I asked him, cocking my head to the side. I couldn’t stop smiling. He was so beautiful. His brown hair that crawled from under his beanie, his stubbles spread over his jaw and part of his neck.

“It was nice. It’s nice to be back here,” he stated and looked around him. The words he picked weren’t as delicate as I remembered, but his voice was. I realized that he wasn’t some guy from the 1800’s. He was a cool guy from this century. He just liked to talk like that online. It was an easy thing to understand. Who would befriend someone that talked like a prince from a few centuries ago?

He introduced me to the band, and some other friends that were there. They were all so nice. It still felt like a dream, everything was perfect. After feeling down for so many years, one simple guy comes along and changes everything.
He gave me a backstage pass, and I walked with him towards the dressing room. I wasn’t nervous any more, and I didn’t mind who I’d walk into. I work at a venue myself, I’m used to walking around backstage.

“Emma? Can we talk?” He suddenly asked when we were in the hallway. I looked up at him and nodded slowly, smiling softly. His tone was rather serious, and it scared me quite a bit. He took a hold of my hand and walked me towards another door, one that led outside. We sat down on the edge of the pavement, our feet hanging above the water of the canal.

“What’s up?” I asked him while fiddling with the edge of my shirt. The nervousness was coming back, and it didn’t make me feel good. It made me insecure, something I haven’t been for a few months, because of him. And now, because of him, once again, I was insecure. I couldn’t handle what he was doing to me. He was controlling me, he got inside my mind and he didn’t even know.

“I know you like me, you’ve told me,” he started. I nodded slowly, looking at the water in front of me. “And I like you too, I really do. But we’re only allowed to be friends. You know that right? It’s illegal for me to date you.” I could feel his eyes on me, so I nodded once again.

Of course I knew it was illegal. There wasn’t a guy my age with his intelligence, looks and whatnot. There wasn’t a perfect human being like him. Not from my age, not in my country, nowhere. Because he was the only perfect human. Maybe there was some other one out there, someone that I was supposed to marry some day. But right now, there was only him. I didn’t want anybody else. I didn’t need anybody else. I wanted him next to me every day. I wanted him to be there with everything that I did. I wanted him with me every step I took in the future.
But that was just something that my heart desired. Because my mind knew that it wasn’t possible.

He was twenty-three, I was sixteen. He lived in England, I lived in the Netherlands. He photographed naked women, I was still a virgin. He produced his own book, I was happy when I got a comment on the internet. We were separated by so many things. It was impossible for us to start something. I’d either have to wait a few years, and hope for us to still have contact. Or I’d have to remove every contact between us and move on.

But moving on from something so perfect, was something that I could never do.

“I just wanted to tell you in person,” he broke through my strain of thoughts. I bit down on my lip and looked over at him. A comforting smile was spread across his face. The same smile that made me fall in love with him six months ago. The same smile by the same person that made my life so much brighter. The same person that was able to pull self-hatred thoughts and suicide attempts out of my head. The same person that turned me into a strong person.

He wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face into his chest. I couldn’t help but cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but it was the only thing that I could do. I didn’t want to lose him. I couldn’t give up on him.
It showed once again, that he was the stronger person. The one that keeps both of his feet on the ground and always looks at the reality of situations. I was the dreamer; the one that fell in love way too quickly and always came crashing down way too hard.

“I won’t leave,” he whispered in my ear while he stroked my back. Those weren’t the three words I was hoping for when I woke up this morning. But those were the three words I needed to hear right now. This time I didn’t crash down way too hard. This time I fell down, and landed on a cushion he put there for me. This time, I knew that I wasn’t alone, because he’d be there for me when I needed him. He’d stay right by my side, with every step that I’m about to take in the future.

‘I do hope this helps, and please know that whatever state you may find yourself in, you are so very far from being alone in such.’