I Want It All

Lyle wished she could be annoyed with how well Alex was taking care of her, but she wasn’t. In fact, she found it rather reassuring. He wasn’t smothering her, thankfully, rather just letting her know that he was there. She couldn’t believe that he had rearranged his schedule around her, around a decision that he didn’t even really support. Yes, he supported Lyle, but she knew that he was unhappy with the situation itself.

“Hey, I’m gonna run to the pharmacy and get your prescriptions for you, okay?” Alex said, leaning into Lyle’s bedroom where she was pulling on a sweatshirt.

Lyle nodded. “Let me get my purse.”

“I’ll take care of it for you,” Alex told her.

Lyle sighed. “Alex, let me pay for it, alright? You already went over my head by paying for the—“

“Please don’t say the word.”

Lyle shook her head. “You shouldn’t have paid for that either—“

“I told you that I would support you, and I am,” Alex told her.

“I wanted emotional support, not financial support—“

“Well, I’m giving you both,” he said, his voice soft. “I want you to know that I have your back, no matter what you decide, okay?”

Lyle shook her head, pushing past him and walking into her living room.

Alex followed suit, grabbing her arm before she could sit down. “What’s wrong?”

Lyle sighed, falling into his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist. “I’m so sorry.”

Alex rested his head against hers. “Why?”

“I don’t want you to hate me,” she told him.

“I could never hate you, love,” Alex whispered.

“But what if you wake up one morning and you can’t forgive me for this?”

“Lyle—“

“No, Alex, I know you’re unhappy—“

“But I don’t hate you,” he insisted. “Do I agree with it? Not necessarily. But it was your decision to make. I told you I would support you, and I am.”

Lyle sniffled, rubbing at her eyes. “I can have anyone hate me but you, Alex.”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m never going to hate you, right?” he asked, pulling away and forcing her eyes to meet his. “I promise you this,” he said, holding out his pinky finger.

Lyle laughed softly, wrapping her finger around his. “Promise.”

Alex nodded. “Now. Curl up on the couch, turn on one of those crappy movies you like, and I’ll get you some ice cream, okay?”

“You’ll bring some home?”

“Yeah!” he told her. “Your favorite kind. Strawberry.”

Lyle frowned. “I hate strawberry. I like—“

“Orange sherbet, I know,” he said, pressing his lips against her forehead. “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

+

Jack followed Alex around CVS, taking his time smelling the different shampoos and conditioners. “So, why does Lyle need pain medication?”

Alex bit the inside of his cheek, throwing a couple cans of hair spray in the basket he was holding. “She’s in pain?”

“Yeah, but why? What did you do to her?” Jack asked, a smile on his face.

The smile went unnoticed by Alex as he turned away from Jack quickly. No. No, he wasn’t going to say anything. “Nothing,” he told him, distracting himself by walking into the next aisle and studying the deodorants.

Jack followed him. “It’s okay, dude, Erika told me what was going on,” he told him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

Alex froze. “She did? I thought she—she promised Lyle she wouldn’t,” he muttered to himself.

“I have my ways,” Jack said with a shrug.

“It’s not a big deal,” Alex assured him.

“It’s a huge deal. I can’t believe Lyle would say or do something like that,” he told him, his eyes narrowing.

Alex sighed. “I couldn’t make her want to have my kid, okay, Jack?”

“Lyle’s pregnant?!” Jack shrieked.

Alex took a step back, but not before punching his best friend in the arm. He glanced around quickly, hoping no one was paying attention, and grateful when he didn’t see anyone close to them. “Keep your voice down,” he snapped.

Jack looked around. “Lyle’s pregnant?!” he whispered loudly.

Alex sighed. “Fuck. Erika…didn’t tell you, did she?”

He shook his head.

“How the hell did I fall for that?” Alex asked himself.

Jack shrugged. “I’m amazing. Now what? Lyle’s pregnant?”

“Um…”

“I mean, I know you boned her but…I didn’t know that she’s pregnant. I…thought that’s something you would tell me,” Jack said.

Alex sighed again, running his hands over his face. “She’s not pregnant, Jack,” he told him quietly.

“So it was a scare, or…?”

“No, she…she was pregnant…she’s not now,” Alex said.

“But…” Jack paused. “She didn’t…did she?”

Alex shrugged.

“Was it a…miscarriage?” he asked quietly.

Alex shook his head. “She, uh…had it taken care of,” he told him with a shrug.

“There’s no way you could’ve been okay with that, Alex,” Jack said quietly. “How—Why—What?”

“Come with me,” he said, carrying his basket to the counter. He set it down on top of it, telling the cashier he would be right back, before pulling Jack out of the store. He walked over to Lyle’s car (that he took with her permission…. Okay, without it, but not the point) and climbed in, motioning for Jack to join him.

“Okay, what the fuck is going on?”

“She had an abortion,” Alex said simply. It wasn’t a simple matter at all, but he didn’t know how else to say it.

Jack’s jaw dropped. “Shit”

Alex nodded. “Yeah. She…uh, she told me what was going on. She told me her decision and asked for my support. I went with her to the clinic yesterday,” he explained.

“Alex…” he trailed off.

“I never thought I wanted kids, Jack,” Alex told him. “And then Lyle told me she didn’t want it.”

“What did you even say?”

“I tried to convince her to not do it. But you know how stubborn Lyle can be.”

Jack smiled, just barely.

“I had to support her, Jack,” Alex explained. “It’s not my first choice. But there’s no way we were ready—not separately and definitely not together. I mean, we aren’t even dating. We weren’t ready. And if I didn’t support her, I would’ve lost her forever. And I couldn’t do that. I lost her once because of my own stupidity, I couldn’t do that again. And I don’t want to get into a moral argument, okay? It was Lyle’s choice, that’s the bottom line, okay?”

Jack nodded. “It was your choice, too, Alex. And, I mean, it’s done, so no amount of complaining is going to change anything, you know?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Alex said with a nod. “Don’t tell Rian or Zack, okay? Lyle doesn’t want everyone knowing.”

“My lips are sealed.”

Alex rolled his eyes. He knew Jack was a loud-mouth, but he also trusted his best friend beyond anything. He wasn’t worried.

+

Alex walked into Lyle’s apartment quietly before tossing the keys on the countertop. He set down the prescriptions, tearing open the bags and digging out the bottles. He grabbed a bowl and spoon from the cupboard before scooping Lyle out a few helpings of sherbet. He put the ice-cream in the freezer before grabbing the bowl and medicine, walking to the couch and sitting down next to Lyle.

Lyle woke with a start, rubbing a hand over her eyes. “When did you get back?”

“Just now,” he told her, setting the prescription bottles on the table. “Take the antibiotic every eight hours, and the pain meds every four to six hours.”

Lyle sat up slowly, eyes landing on the ice-cream.

Alex handed her the bowl. “How are you feeling?”

Lyle shrugged, taking a bite of her ice-cream. “As good as expected?”

Alex nodded, sitting silently as she finished her ice-cream.

“Is something wrong?”

“Not really,” he told her with a shrug.

“Not really isn’t a no,” she pointed out, setting the bowl on the table. “What’s wrong?”

Alex sighed, running a hand through his hair. “If we were together…would it have changed anything?” he asked.

Lyle paused. “What?”

“If you and I were together…committed…would you have changed your mind? Would it have been different?”