I Don't Think I'd Be Standing Here If I Never Found You

It’s been six days since I’ve seen Tanner. I actually remembered the day. I haven’t gone this long without communicating with him in some way. It’s really… different. It’s like… I want to be mad at him so much, but… I love him.

I’ve went to Kirstie a lot about the situation. She thinks I should just leave Tanner and forget about him. She seriously suggested that I should try and get with someone in McFly. Um… no thank you. English boys are cute, but… My Tanny.

Kirstie had to do something McFly related today, leaving me alone in my parents’ house while they were out doing their thing. While I was moping about sitting here, I got a call from my Rockstar team manager. He said he really needed to talk to me. He threatened my sponsorship if I didn’t come in.

So I went. They just wanted to give me more gear… and a crap ton of more caffeine that I really didn’t need. I took it though, slightly annoyed. He really wanted me to come in for this?

As I was lugging all of it out to my car, I knew exactly why I was called in. Tanner sat this up. Once I left the building, I saw him leaning on the hood of my car. A little spark of happiness came over me, but it quickly went away. I want to be mad at him!

“Here, let me help,” he spoke up, hurrying over to me.

“No, I got it,” I quickly muttered, jerking away from him.

A heavy sigh came out of him once I passed him to balance my items while popping my trunk. He rushed over and pushed it opened, causing me to roll my eyes. I empted the content of my arms and went to shut my trunk, but he stopped me. Darn it, Tanner!

“I’m worried about you,” he spoke softly.

“I think you have bigger thinks to worry about than me right now,” I muttered.

“But I love you… and I can’t stop thinking about you,” he spoke up.

“I love you too, but… I can’t get over this, Tanner. That’s such a huge thing not to tell me,” I finally broke down the wall for him.

“I didn’t know what to do. You were the first woman that I had strong feelings about since she was born. I didn’t know how soon was too soon for you guys to meet, for me to tell you about her or even tell her about you. She hasn’t met any of my girlfriends and… I don’t want that to be a weird thing for her,” he sighed, having the slightest sliver of pain flash over his eyes.

“I want to know,” I replied.

“Know what?” he asked, wrinkling his features up.

“Everything,” I told him, finally bringing my eyes up to his.

He stared back at me for a few seconds before drifting his eyes everywhere else. He was uncomfortable. It was obvious. But I had the right to know.

“Not… here,” he finally spoke up.

“Get in,” I threw back while slamming my trunk shut and heading to the driver’s door.

Slowly, Tanner climbed into the passenger’s seat. After he shut the door, I threw the car into gear and left the Rockstar building. I drove mindlessly, just trying to get to a secluded place. Some how, I ended up at the track Tanner and I always practiced at. The good thing was that no one was around.

“Start talking,” I told him, keeping my eyes fixed on the dirt in front of me.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s pretty clear,” he stuttered.

“Were you with this woman? Why don’t you have custody? Did you love her? Did you find out she was pregnant, flipped out and leave? Why aren’t you with her no…” I could have gone on for days, but Tanner cut me off.

“It just… happened ok? We had been seeing each other on and off. She was one of my girlfriends from high school. You should know more than anyone how hard it is to keep a relationship while in this business. I’d come home and she’d be there. We weren’t in love. It was just… companionship,” he explained through a shrug.

“But she got pregnant…” I started up for him again.

“I was in Europe when she told me. I didn’t really know how to feel. And to be honest, I didn’t know what to do. So I kind of… stayed away until I got the call that she was in labor,” he said.

“Nice to know you can at least show up to a birth,” I muttered.

“I never said I was proud of any of this,” he quickly battled back. “But then I… saw her. This little girl that was just so innocent and needed me,” he added, a soft gloss forming over his eyes. “But her mother wouldn’t have it. As you could probably guess, she wasn’t happy about me skipping out on her pregnancy and just deciding to show up.

“I did everything I could to get to see her. The only way I could do that was file for custody. Obviously, with my job I can’t have her all the time. So as long as I pay the child support, I get to see her as much as I can. And if I’m home on weekends, she gets to stay with me,” he said.

I was seriously speechless. That was a lot of information to be fed at one time. Holy cow. His story softened me up though. I reached over and grabbed his hand. A small smile came across his lips, causing mine to do the same.

“I’m really sorry,” he said, slowly bringing his eyes up to mine.

“I am too,” I softly spoke.

“You have every right to be upset. I always knew that I should have told you right away, but… I was just… scared. I didn’t want you to think that I loved this woman, or that if you got pregnant the same thing would happen. I mean… this is a lot for one guy to handle,” he seemed to soften up too. He let out a little chuckle with his last line.

“Is she cute?” I couldn’t help but smile.

“Oh, she’s cute as a button,” he beamed as he dug in his pocket for his phone.

He quickly brought it out and tapped the screen a few times before flashing off a picture of his daughter that he had taken. She was sitting on his lap with his chin resting on her little shoulder. The two of them had matching smiles. It was adorable.

“She looks like you,” I grinned up at him.

“She’s my little Addy,” he beamed, making me smile so much.

I know we haven’t really mended anything yet, but I think this is a huge milestone. After this little moment, I took Tanner back to Rockstar to get his car. He left, but not before giving my cheek a soft kiss.

Something in me just felt… better. I know Tanner didn’t say to come back to his house, nor did I say that I would. But this is good. The whole trust thing is kind of broken, but hopefully we’ll build it back up real soon.