Bleeding Tears, Crying Blood

I sat alone in the night for a little while. At first my tears came without holding back but eventually they dried up. But even though I couldn’t cry, I still felt this horrible despair and misery.

White had rejected me and it was more horrible than I imagined it to be. I still clutched his tiny body to my chest, hoping it had all been a horrible nightmare and knowing it wasn’t. He didn’t return my love. I was alone and pining after a man I couldn’t have and would do for a long time.

I loved White. I loved him so much but he didn’t return it. Tears tried to dribble from my eyes again even as my face remained stiff. I didn’t like this feeling at all. It was horrible and ugly and made me feel hollow inside and churned my stomach to such a point that I felt sick. Maybe it was better that I saw him less. It would give me time to breathe and think and try to get these emotions under control.

I then remembered what father told me when I asked about love. Vampires loved with all their heart rarely. It was difficult for them to even feel a slither of love and had to be in the presence of another for a long time. Once they fell, it was difficult for them to stop. It was how vampires paired for so long. When I asked what happened to those who did not win over their chosen mate, he gave me a sad look. Those unlucky enough to fall alone wandered the earth for a long time, feeling lonely and pained, until they find another, he told me. How long would they walk alone, I asked. A long, long time, he had replied softly then asked I change the subject.

The tears began come again. I realised this pain was going to be with me for a long time. For years. I was one of those father pitied. A vampire who chose a mate that didn’t want them.

With my head hung, my senses clouded and my eyes blinded by tears, I hadn’t noticed anyone approach me. I looked up slowly when they spoke and only a dull sense of panic and mild despair slithered in my chest.

“Hello, Alma.” Elena said with a smile.

I just stared dumbly at her, the sorrow whirling within me keeping me from not caring about the threat she posed and the fact I had been found once again.

“You look sad.” She said and crouched down. “You aren’t happy, are you?”

Silence met her but the knife of sorrow twisted in my gut. She smelt this and her smile became slightly sympathetic.

“I know what you feel, Alma.” I looked up at her with some focus in my eyes now. “To love one who doesn’t return it is a terrible burden. I existed with it for two centuries, forever knowing the man I loved was with another. He was happier with her than he could ever be with me. It hurt.” She paused and a painful look came over her eyes. “It still does.” The pain was quickly replaced with resolve. “But Gabor accepted me. I stand by him, even love him to some extent, and bare him children. I work with my chosen mate and it is far less painful than if I were to love him.”

I felt belief running through me, the need to know that this pain could go away. But then my brain focused. I didn’t believe her. How could she forget the man she loved? I couldn’t. I didn’t want to forget White or what I felt towards him and I would want my mate to love me, not for it to be an agreed partnership. I wanted someone who loved me like my father did my mother. If it wasn’t White, then so be it. I would recover and find another eventually. I would carry this heartache for a long time, I know, but I would do it with pride.

But as I stared at Elena and the fake smile, a sudden exhaustion swept over me. I was tired of all this. I wasn’t bothered to run or hide anymore. The Brides would keep on hunting me, people would continue to get hurt around me, Gabor would continue to play that stupid political game with my father. I didn’t care for it anymore. If Gabor wanted me, he could have me. I would find out what he wanted in person and pass the information onto my father and the Lady. I would stop him myself.

I stiffened when I felt something burst into existence not far from me and a wave of distress flooded the clearing. I turned and saw a wolf being shaped from mist, charging towards me with his teeth bared.

Cian loped up to me then curled his body around me just as Elena stood and took a few steps back warily.

“You were warned, Elena, to not approach Alma again.”

“I was only talking to her.” She said stiffly.

Cian snarled and snapped his teeth. “Go back to Gabor. You’re not welcome near her.”

Elena hissed but bowed her head in defeat when the door swung open and Wolfram stepped out, summoned by Cian’s quiet call, witch-gun in hand. Leroy was beside him, being restrained by Wolfram’s free hand and Kenny. With a scowl, Elena began to walk back into the woodland. I watched her go but determination was filling me, replacing the sorrow with grim anger. I wanted this ended. Now. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to return back to my home, to run about the humans under my father’s care and play with my Clan members. I wanted to cry at my mother of my heartbreak, to cope with my feelings for White and to learn of the dhampir in peace. I just wanted to go home. But that wasn’t going to happen and it was likely it was never to happen. I knew Gabor was winning against my father. It was inevitably I would end up at the Gabor house. I felt it was up to me now. Only I could find out what Gabor wanted with me and give the necessary information to my father.

With a resolution to end this game, I called her. With a surprised look, she turned to me.

“I’ll go with you.” I blurted out.

Cian stiffened and snarled beside me. “No, Alma. Do not agree to go.”

“I am. I’ll go.” I said and turned my eyes onto Elena and bit the bait she gave me. “I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. If Gabor can heal me, I’ll go.” I said quietly.

“He can.” Elena promised.

I stood and clutched White to my chest. Cian shifted and gripped my shoulder, stopping me from following.

“Alma, think about this. I sense you’re in pain but talk with me. I will help you.” He said almost pleadingly.

I felt guilty about leaving him and not telling him of my intentions. I hoped he could feel my plan somehow, that I was going with Elena to seek a way to stop this game of cat and mouse, not to give myself up in despair and allow Gabor to have his way.

I looked back at Elena. “May I say goodbye.”

“You may.” She said and walked a fair distance away. While I could speak a little more openly, I still had to be careful. Her hearing was sharp and she could easily overhear our conversation.

“I’ll be fine.” I said softly.

“You will not. I sense no good intention from Elena, Alma. This will only go horribly wrong.” He warned darkly.

I glanced at Wolfram as he approached with Kenny and Leroy close beside him. He didn’t appear happy and Leroy didn’t either. Kenny looked truly worried though. I didn’t know how to convince them that I was going to be okay.

“I will heal and visit you.” I said and took Cian’s hand and stared at him with a hopeful stare. I willed him to feel something within me, the determination, the need to finish this.

Cian’s face didn’t move but I sensed a tug between us and felt something within him. Something clicked. And then panic followed. But he squeezed my hand back and let me go.

“Be very careful.” He said solemnly.

“Alma.” Leroy snapped as Wolfram stared with an angered gaze. “You can’t be serious in just handing yourself over.”

“I am.” I said firmly. “Elena says Gabor can help me and I am willing to give it a try.” I paused and gave him and Wolfram a firm stare. “I want to end this.”

Wolfram sighed heavily, knowing instantly want I intended to do, and lowered his gun to his side. “If you go willingly, I have no way to help you, you realise.” He said darkly. “Both mine and your father’s hands will be tied. You’ll be on your own.”

That worried me a little but I glanced down at White’s empty body. While he may not love me and while I may be hurting horribly because of him, he would help me. He would keep me safe.

“I won’t be entirely alone.” I said.

“No you won’t as I’m going with you.” Leroy said sharply.

I shook my head instantly. “No, you’re not.”

“If you’re as safe as you think you are, I’m going.”

I looked up at Wolfram pleadingly but he was thinking deeply. “Leroy, go with her. You will act as our safeguard. If you die and I don’t hear from you, I know for certain something’s wrong.” He pulled out a small pouch from his pocket and gave them to Leroy. “Take these for luck.” He said while giving me a meaningful stare.

I glanced at the pouch, watching as Leroy opened it and pulled out a small dark purple marble. I instantly knew what it was. A small ball containing Matter. It was often used to guide owls, giving them a particular Matter scent to seek out but sometimes, if there is enough Matter, could be eaten by a mortal, making them unbearable to touch or smell for a few hours. By the feel of it, there were only two witches’ Matter there. One was Wolfram’s and the other was one only vaguely recognisable but I had no name or face for it.

“I will know when one is used.” He said.

I knew then that he was using Leroy as a way of keeping an eye on me. He knew he couldn’t trust letters from me but, if Leroy were to eat one of the marbles, it would alert Wolfram. He would feel his Matter being taken and know then that something was wrong, that I was in trouble. I wondered if the Matter would hurt Leroy but realised it wouldn’t. The Matter wouldn’t recognise him to be an immortal as he was so close to humanity. It wouldn’t hurt him, only protect him.

I turned back to Elena when she approached me again. “Are you ready?” She asked gently.

I looked at Leroy, wondering whether or not I should bring my virtually human friend with me before giving in. He looked so determined and it did soothe me a little to know Wolfram has given him quite strong protection, even if he was only using him as a signal to begin a battle. “My friend comes with me.”

She gave him a quick glance, noting how weak he was, before she nodded. “Fine. Let’s go then.”

I gripped White and Leroy’s hand and gave my guards one last look. It didn’t calm me, in fact it made me want to stay and take back my decision of ending this hunt. Kenny was so worried he appeared white, Wolfram looked horribly grim and Cian was blank in expression. But I could feel his concern. He was worried for me. Truly and deeply worried. It was taking all his willpower to stop himself from keeping me here. I wondered what he knew. I could feel knowledge there, history, but he couldn’t say anything. Only worry.

I followed Elena through the woods, squeezing Leroy’s hand. Doubts were suddenly filling me now my hysteria and exhaustion had subsided and reality was settling in but I had made my choice. I was to go there, to Gabor, find out what he wanted from me and tell my father. I was to stop Gabor’s hunt of me so I could go home and be left in peace.

And I was to do it alone.