Status: Updates every four days.
We Way? Three Way!
Another Use For Leashes
Well, at least Frank thought Gerard was going to bed. In reality…
“Natalie, take the keys, hit the dollar store and get another one of those child leashes. Maybe two.”
“Wha-NO! I am totally scarred by those things! They were the cause of this creepy plaster monster constantly nomming on my leg! And I don’t have a license. Or coordination. Or the ability to reach the pedals. Or the ability to bend my leg. Oh, and I don’t know where the dollar store is.” Not once did I think to ask what the leashes were for…
“Fine. I’ll come with you. Get in the car. Ray, get Jillian a Poptart when she wakes up. (She’d passed out, how, we’ll probably never know.) And keep Frank on the goddamn balcony.” And so we drove. Gerard was kinda pissed…like, way beyond pissed, actually.
“Sing a song, Gee.”
“Why? Eh, I should know not to ask that. Okay.
Stay out of the light, or the photograph that I gave you. You can say a prayer if you need to. Or just get in line and I’ll grieve you, can I meet you, alone…”
I knew the song, so I figured, why not join in?
“Another night and I’ll see you. Another night and I'll be you. Some other way to continue, to hide my face.”
Gee looked at me like I’d eaten salad for breakfast, or something, which proved to be not so smart on his part, since he was driving by a firehouse…In any case, we continued to sing the lovely song about murder that Gerard himself had written.
“Another knife in my hands, a stain that never comes off the sheets, clean me off. I’m so dirty, babe. The kinda dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes. I keep a book of the names and those…”
“Nice job, kid.”
“Thanks. Time to purchase doggy prison rope things?”
“Yes. Yes it is.” And so we did. We sang on the way home too, and then Gee wasn’t so angry anymore. Until we walked upstairs. Frank was trying to pull open the balcony door, and I must admit that seeing his face all squished up on the glass like that was better than lighting those carrots on fire with the- never mind. Jillian was on Ray’s back, trying to get at his ‘fro, which was apparently covered in Poptart crumbs. “Lemme braid it! I wanna braid it!”
I found all this rather epic.
“Aww…Natalie missed all the fun…”
Becca walked in too, wearing her lovely Batman pjs, deciding that what was going on here was way more fun than sleeping. Gerard grabbed a purple child leash from the bag and walked toward the door.
“Frank…” He called out. “I’m sorry dude, I shouldn’t have been so mean about it…”
“Really Gee? So you forgi-“
“ATTACK.”
Next thing I knew, I was holding onto Ray’s feet as he body slammed Frank, knocking him to the ground. Mikey and Gillian each held down an arm while Becca leaned across his legs. Bob was enjoying sitting on Frank’s head. Enjoying it very much. We all moved around accordingly as Gee fixed the leash around Frank’s torso.
“The tag says ‘Can support 60 pounds.’ Frank, how much do you weigh? Eh, two should cover it. I think.” And he grabbed another leash, an orange one this time. Ray picked up the short little struggling bundle of flesh and carried him to the edge of the balcony.
“No- NO! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?? GEE I’M SORRY. I’M REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRY. NOT THE BALCONY I HATE HEIGHTS GEE PLEEEEEASSSSEE!!!” Still, Ray lowered him down over the edge, and attached the ends of the leashes to bottom of the table. Frank’s protests sounded farther away now.
“GERARDDDDD!!!!!!! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE, DAMMIT!!!” Oh, how confused the neighbors must be. “BUT GEE I WEIGH 140!!”
Man, I love living here…
“Alright, bedtime.” Cue another whimper from Frank…
When I woke up, (on Becca’s floor…? Déjà vu…) I saw some pretty lights outside the window. Blue and red ones, I always wondered why they never looked purple…I figured there had been another gas station robbery or something, (We lived in Belleville, your first night here you’re bound to witness something like that.) but the car was parallel parked in front of our house. And of the cops were staring at what appeared to be a short man dangling from a balcony held only by two child leashes. Which is, of course, exactly what it appeared to be. This should be good…
“Natalie, take the keys, hit the dollar store and get another one of those child leashes. Maybe two.”
“Wha-NO! I am totally scarred by those things! They were the cause of this creepy plaster monster constantly nomming on my leg! And I don’t have a license. Or coordination. Or the ability to reach the pedals. Or the ability to bend my leg. Oh, and I don’t know where the dollar store is.” Not once did I think to ask what the leashes were for…
“Fine. I’ll come with you. Get in the car. Ray, get Jillian a Poptart when she wakes up. (She’d passed out, how, we’ll probably never know.) And keep Frank on the goddamn balcony.” And so we drove. Gerard was kinda pissed…like, way beyond pissed, actually.
“Sing a song, Gee.”
“Why? Eh, I should know not to ask that. Okay.
Stay out of the light, or the photograph that I gave you. You can say a prayer if you need to. Or just get in line and I’ll grieve you, can I meet you, alone…”
I knew the song, so I figured, why not join in?
“Another night and I’ll see you. Another night and I'll be you. Some other way to continue, to hide my face.”
Gee looked at me like I’d eaten salad for breakfast, or something, which proved to be not so smart on his part, since he was driving by a firehouse…In any case, we continued to sing the lovely song about murder that Gerard himself had written.
“Another knife in my hands, a stain that never comes off the sheets, clean me off. I’m so dirty, babe. The kinda dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes. I keep a book of the names and those…”
“Nice job, kid.”
“Thanks. Time to purchase doggy prison rope things?”
“Yes. Yes it is.” And so we did. We sang on the way home too, and then Gee wasn’t so angry anymore. Until we walked upstairs. Frank was trying to pull open the balcony door, and I must admit that seeing his face all squished up on the glass like that was better than lighting those carrots on fire with the- never mind. Jillian was on Ray’s back, trying to get at his ‘fro, which was apparently covered in Poptart crumbs. “Lemme braid it! I wanna braid it!”
I found all this rather epic.
“Aww…Natalie missed all the fun…”
Becca walked in too, wearing her lovely Batman pjs, deciding that what was going on here was way more fun than sleeping. Gerard grabbed a purple child leash from the bag and walked toward the door.
“Frank…” He called out. “I’m sorry dude, I shouldn’t have been so mean about it…”
“Really Gee? So you forgi-“
“ATTACK.”
Next thing I knew, I was holding onto Ray’s feet as he body slammed Frank, knocking him to the ground. Mikey and Gillian each held down an arm while Becca leaned across his legs. Bob was enjoying sitting on Frank’s head. Enjoying it very much. We all moved around accordingly as Gee fixed the leash around Frank’s torso.
“The tag says ‘Can support 60 pounds.’ Frank, how much do you weigh? Eh, two should cover it. I think.” And he grabbed another leash, an orange one this time. Ray picked up the short little struggling bundle of flesh and carried him to the edge of the balcony.
“No- NO! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?? GEE I’M SORRY. I’M REALLY REALLY REALLY SORRY. NOT THE BALCONY I HATE HEIGHTS GEE PLEEEEEASSSSEE!!!” Still, Ray lowered him down over the edge, and attached the ends of the leashes to bottom of the table. Frank’s protests sounded farther away now.
“GERARDDDDD!!!!!!! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE, DAMMIT!!!” Oh, how confused the neighbors must be. “BUT GEE I WEIGH 140!!”
Man, I love living here…
“Alright, bedtime.” Cue another whimper from Frank…
When I woke up, (on Becca’s floor…? Déjà vu…) I saw some pretty lights outside the window. Blue and red ones, I always wondered why they never looked purple…I figured there had been another gas station robbery or something, (We lived in Belleville, your first night here you’re bound to witness something like that.) but the car was parallel parked in front of our house. And of the cops were staring at what appeared to be a short man dangling from a balcony held only by two child leashes. Which is, of course, exactly what it appeared to be. This should be good…