I Woke Up in a Car

The house wasn't all that different. Danielle's toys were spread out over the living room floor. A couple of pictures of the three of them sat around in the living room. Gene and My mother's wedding picture (with me complete with the biggest fake smile you'd ever seen) next to it. It was surreal. I felt like I should have been there.

I thanked Gene for the coffee as he brought me a cup, two sugars with cream, “How long have you been clean?” I asked, watching Gene as he turned his attention from Danielle, who was playing with her dolls in the living room.

Gene turned to me. He looked older, more stressed out, “I've been clean for over two years.” He sighed, “Your mom... Your mom was pregnant when you left, only a couple of months. She was waiting until the right time to tell us. You ran away an--”

My eyes narrowed at Gene, “Gee, I wonder why.” I said, my voice bitter and filled with hurt. Eric put his hand on my shoulder but it didn't make me any less angry about it.

Gene continued, “and I'm sorry about what happened. I am. If I could take it all back, I would. But you left and when.. when you said you wasn't coming back in that first letter. She told me. By then it was too late for some things.. so we kept her.” Gene looked back at Danielle and then at me. His skin looked much older, much more weathered. “She was the best thing that happened to your mom and I, moreover, she was the best thing that happened to me.”

I furrowed my brows as I listened to Gene, “She looks like you, with mom's eyes.” I said, though, to be honest part of me wished she was my dad's little girl. I watched her play in the living room.

Gene sighed, “Your mom says she looks like you, I think I see that now.” Gene paused again, sipping his coffee, “Ari, I'm sorry about your dad. I'm sure he was a good man, a great man. I can't replace him and I know I've hurt you and your mother in the past. I'm sort of hoping you can find it yourself to forgive me for everything I put you through.”

Maybe Gene was changed. His words seemed sincere enough, “I'll think about it.” I sipped on my coffee. All of us sat there in silence, “I guess I owe you some degree of thanks.” I said, “I've been places I'd never thought I'd be and see things so gorgeous that nothing compares.” I sighed, “If I hadn't have left, I'd have never met the most amazing people ever.” I said, looking with a smile over at Eric. My focus turning back to Gene, “So, how long has she been sick?” I asked, chewing my lip.

Gene pushed a hand through his receding brown hair, “It started a couple months ago. Nausea, vomiting, we thought she was pregnant again. She went to her OBGYN who ran a blood test and then referred her to another doctor. That doctor ran tests, scans, x-rays, all of it. They put her, at best, Six months to a year to live.” Gene looked down at his coffee, tears were beginning to well in his eyes. It was the first time I saw Gene look so vulnerable, so weak.

I looked at my own coffee, I had already lost one parent and I hated to lose another. I sighed and finished my coffee, Gene gave me the hospital and room number of where she was at for the next couple of days. Chemo treatments. They were trying to shrink it to an operable size. Six to 12 months, from the way Gene talked about it, was a long shot at best.

Eric and I left. We walked through town, through my old neighborhood. I looked at the houses that looked run down, the for sale signs in some homes, home of old neighborhood friends. I shivered and then wiped at my face. We stopped walking, right in front of the cemetery where my dad was buried. I sighed. Why did I always end up in some.. place that seemed to hold so much significance. Like someone was guiding me to some place to reconcile my past. I was getting tired, but, it was probably for a good reason.

I looked at Eric and took his hand, “Come on.” I said, walking through the gate of the cemetery and toward my father's grave. I hadn't been here in at least four years. My walk slowed, as it always did, always had, as we rounded the row where my dad was buried.

Eric just followed squeezing my hand, “You know, you don't have to do it all in one day.” Eric stopped and pulled me back to him so I was facing him. “You can take one thing at a time.” He whispered.

I shook my head, “I want to, something guided me here for a reason. It's only right to at least see him, if only for a moment.” I said, looking up at him.

Eric sighed and nodded a little, his hand slid up my back and to my neck, rubbing the back of it slowly. “Shhh, come on. You tell me where to stop. I want to meet him.” Eric whispered, “If only for just a minute.” He added on as he let me go.

I pulled back from Eric and leaned against him as we walked. I didn't even want to think about my mom being buried here too. My dad was enough but the thought of my mom here too was almost too much. Danielle would have her dad, but not her mom. I wouldn't have either of my parents.

I couldn't fathom losing my mom to Cancer so young. I know things could have been worse but this.. I mean, as if I didn't have enough problems that had happened in my past. Maybe I was being selfish but dammit, He already had one parent why both? Maybe I'd go to church, to pray, or beg, or do a whole lot of both.

Eric and I headed back through town to the subway. I couldn't help but start telling stories the whole way, how I'd played here, a fun memory of my dad pushing me on the swings at the park as we walked by and saw all the kids playing. It was fun to go back, we walked by the store and I told him I used to be a girl scout and yes, I sold cookies and no, I couldn't hook him up with any.

It was nice to just talk and joke and just.. Be with Eric. Both Eric (and John) had introduced me to their friends, their life. Now, here was mine, right where I left it. Sort of. The places were the same at least which, was a comfort to know that not a whole lot had changed in two years.