Listen to Me

I couldn't help myself. When he hugged me, I just felt like there was something else there.

Just being in his arms warmed my whole body, and his perfect smile only added to that. I couldn't focus on anything but his strong features being highlighted by the soft glow from the fountain lights. He was so close to me that I could feel his warm, minty breath on my face. And with the way we're always fighting, I was afraid I would never get this close to him again. I didn't want him to break away.

But I know that I just went too far. I shouldn't have kissed him (even though it was easily the best kiss of my life).

He gasped as soon as our lips made contact, and it took all my self-restraint not to just run my tongue along his teeth, but I sucked his bottom lip between my teeth, wanting some way to get even closer to him. He gripped my sleeves tightly but didn't hurt my arms. He wasn't fighting me at all, he's not pulling away. But still, I knew this was too much. I knew what I was doing was wrong - I was pushing him again and I don't know how tolerant he is of me.

I reluctantly tore my mouth away from his. I was scared of what he would do. What if he didn't want to talk to me again? What if he hit me? Maybe he would kick me out of the dorm. Well, he can't really do that, but I doubt he'll want me around anymore.

I took a shaky breath and looked up at him. I don't think he was breathing at all. His face was in shock. Slowly, I felt him release his grip on my arms, and his hands dropped to his sides. He finally looked at me. I didn't know what to make of it. Was he angry?

He said something, but I couldn't read his lips this time.

"Why did you do that?"

I read him clearly this time. What did he expect me to say? Why did I do that anyway? I knew he'd be mad, I knew he would hate me for it. I don't even like Jason like that... well, he is attractive, but I've never felt anything drawing me to him until.. he hugged me.

I just stood there, biting my lip. Too afraid to make eye contact and too shaky to try writing an explanation even if I did have one.

I was still looking down, but I could tell he was talking again. I couldn't read what he was saying - he was speaking much faster now and moving around and it was harder to follow his perfect lips. Eventually he just stood still and stared at me, his jaw set and his eyes cold. I forced myself to look up to see his face, and I really wish I hadn't.

He pointed a finger in my face and leaned in, his burning words pushing his hot breath against my skin. "You know, just because you think I might be gay doesn't mean I'm gonna fall for you. Even if I did like guys, I wouldn't have you as my only option," he lowered his hand and stuffed both hands in his pockets.

I don't know why, but that cut me deep. I found myself blinking back tears that I didn't dare let fall in front of him, and before I knew it, my trembling hands were shoving against his chest. I was much smaller than him, but I still managed to push him back hard enough to make him stumble and fall into the fountain. His shocked, wet face was lit up yellow by the fountain. I could feel the blood boiling under my skin. I didn't bother to help him up, even though a small part of me felt sorry for pushing him. Tears were pressing against the back of my eyes still, so I turned and left him sitting there in the cold water.

I went to Jon's dorm and knocked on his door seven times before he opened the door, revealing himself in a white wife-beater and grey sweatpants, his hair disheveled. His sleepy gaze wore off when he saw me crying and he pulled me into a hug, not even bothering to ask what was wrong. He let me sob in the hallway until I calmed down, and then he brought me into his room. His roommate was already asleep. Jon lifted up the blankets and gestured for me to get in the bed. I thought that since we were in college, he wouldn't want to keep taking care of me. He was the only one that could treat me like a baby and get away with it, but he was more of an overprotective brother than anything. I crawled into the bed and brought my body to face the wall. Jon climbed in and got situated to go back to sleep. I didn't need him to cuddle with me - I know he really didn't like touching or being touched. I could sense that he was back to sleep already since the bed stopped moving.

I don't know why this is even bothering me this much. It was obvious from the start that Jason and I are roommates and that's it. He didn't even want me as a roommate, so why did I ever expect him to like me at all?