Warmness on my soul

Brian’s POV

“Go to Claire, fucking cuddle with her, with the woman you love and the woman who’s mad in love with you, and we’ll pretend this never happened.”

I kept repeating Michelle’s words on my head over and over again. Brian Haner Jr. why the fuck did you do that for? I had no interest in Michelle at all. What we had was over and dead. I didn’t kiss her because I still have feelings for her, because I don’t. I kissed Michelle because I was blind… I wanted Claire, I wanted everything to be fine, to be with her. So when Michelle sat beside me all I saw was Claire. And so I did what I did. I need to tell this to Claire, but not now. She’s too damn fragile to deal with my stupidity.

I sat still on the couch, constantly slapping myself mentally for what I did and for things I did this week that I could’ve done better. I’m an asshole.

My family must be coming , I should go wake her. No you shouldn’t bitch, let her sleep. Yeah, I’ve been having these arguments with myself lately, and somehow I cannot stop.

“Shut up!” I managed to yell out loud. As soon as I did the doorbell rang. They’re here.

“Brian.” McKenna greeted me not with the same enthusiasm as she normally did.

“’Kenna, come here.” I held my sister in a hug until she pulled off of me and grabbed my face in her hands. She didn’t need to say anything else. That was how we worked, we didn’t need to talk, a simple gesture was enough. “I know Kenna, I’m sorry too.” I muttered.

She got inside the house and I stepped aside so my dad and Suzy could enter as well. Once they were inside I proceeded to greet them too.

My dad enveloped me in a very tight hug, and a long one too. This made me feel like a little kid again, I guess I’ve been needing this for a long time now. And after all, my dad always could make me feel less scared. Obviously I never told him this, but I always admired how he seemed to not be afraid of anything and always have things under control. Needless to say that at this point of my life I was scared shitless and things were not under my control. When we separated he gave me a big smile. Suzy on the other hand was on the verge of tears and held onto my neck saying how sorry she was for everything that happened.

“Your brother says he’s sorry he couldn’t come.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I understand.”

“So where is she? Is she okay?” McKenna asked with wide eyes.

“I’m here love.” The four of us looked at the stairs. Claire looked like she had been sleeping a very good nap. My sister ran to her and they hugged.
“I’m really sorry.”

“I know you are sweetie. It’s okay, I’m okay now.” She lied. “And look at you and your new hair.” Claire pointed out. Another proof that I’m not on this world anymore. My sister dyed her hair purple and I didn’t notice it. Another reason to blame myself. “Brian, Suzy, it’s really great to see you, thanks for coming.” She said with a warm smile hugging each.

“Claire, it’s really hard to say something right now, but we just want you to know that we’re here for you okay?”

“I know, thank you.” She smiled. I couldn’t help but to smile too.

“Can I get you guys something?”
“Just hand me a beer son. And some water for the lady here.” My father said pointing to Suzy.
“Brian! Can I go see Claire’s drawings upstairs?”

“Of course Kenna, if she wants to.” I answered looking at my girlfriend.

“Of course I want to you silly.” Claire answered directly to me. I felt warm inside when she called me silly, that was a nickname a lot of guys wouldn’t like but now it was all I wanted to hear. I needed the silly Claire to make me laugh and our silly moments to be happy. I went to the backyard with Brian and Suzy while my sister and Claire went upstairs.

Claire’s POV

We were both sitting in mine and Brian’s bed with drawings all over us while McKenna drooled all over them. I smiled as her eyes watched every line and shadow attentively.

“You like them?”

“Are you kidding me, I love them! They are beautiful.”

“Well thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She said smiling and I felt her get uncomfortable. “I-”

“What Kenna? You can talk to me.”

“It’s just. I don’t even know how to talk to you or what to say.” My eyes widened at the kids words.

“It’s fine. You don’t need to say anything. Or if you want to say something you can say it as well, I won’t get mad.”

“I’m just- really sorry this happened to you.” I never liked this idea of people feeling sorry for me, but with this girl it was totally fine. It was like she really understood me. “Things like this should never happen.”

“You’re right, they shouldn’t happen to anyone. But they do because the world is full of mad people.”

“Do you think things will ever be the same way they were before all of this happened?”
“I really hope so Kenna.”

“I do too. For my brothers sake I hope they do…” She muttered the last part but I still herd her.
“What do you mean?”

“Oh, you know. He’s devastated.” Fuck. She was right.

“Does he talk to you about what happened?”

“No, but for example, he called yesterday to dad-”

“Yeah I think I heard him talking on the phone but I didn’t catch the conversation.”

“Yeah, apparently it was a short conversation but you know how they are. Not a lot of words are exchanged but a lot is told. And after it I heard dad talking with Suzy and Brian was awful last night. ” I lowered my head sighing.

“This is being very rough for him too you know? He’s just lost. He doesn’t know what to do in a situation like this. No one has ever taught him how to. And, Claire, my brother loves you. Since the day he met you all these years ago. Even when he was with Michelle you could see he was still thinking about you. And now after having a real life with you, truly happily in love, a thing like this happens, what do you want him to do. He’s afraid. He’s afraid this will bring you apart, he’s afraid to lose the Claire he fell in love with.”

McKenna’s words were hitting me like darts. And they hurt a lot to hear because they were pure truth.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m lost as well. I love your brother too, I just hope he knows it still.”
“And he knows it. Deep down he knows it. But you’ll just have to show him slowly that you are still here. The Claire he met years ago.”

“I am. I am here.” I pulled Brian’s sibling to a hug as a way of thanking her for her astute speech. I am still here, the same Claire. What am I doing… He’s not Dan, Brian would never hurt me. And I also hope Michelle was right. I hope he’s not going anywhere. Because he’ll just have to wait a little bit to see that it’s still me inside of this damaged body.

Brian’s POV

I brought a beer for my dad and a glass of water with some sugar on it for Suzy outside. She was a nerve rack. This situation has been messing a lot with her head.

“It’s okay Suzy. It’s going to be okay.”

“How are you coping with this so well Brian?”

“I’m not. Not even close to coping with it. I cry every time she’s not around and pray with every unit in my body that I wake up from this bad dream. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that I can’t barely sleep and I’m always scared she will have a panic attack or something.”

“You have to push through the emotions son. You have to help her. She’ll feel better if you feel better. It’s a cycle. You need to raise each other up.”

“Yeah. But it feels like every time I take one step forward with a good thing, I have to take two steps back with a horrible decision.”

“Don’t say that Brian. You’re doing everything you can as best as you can. I’m sure.” Suzy assured me.

“Thank you guys for coming. If I didn’t had you and the rest of the band, I don’t know what I’d do. I mean I don’t even know what to do right now.”

“Every time you need us. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom.” Suzy said.

“So… say it.”

“Say what dad?”
“C’mon, you look like you need to let something out. Now she’s gone, say it.”

“Fuck.”
“C’mon son.” He chuckled.

“I need sex.” I sighed.

“Wow, my son I am honored you chos-”

“Oh shut up.” He laughed at my mark and I smiled too.

“Well, you need to be patient.”

“I know I do. Obviously I don’t, I won’t do anything until she’s perfectly fine, which I think it will be hard but-”

“You’re still a man.”

“I’m still a man. A stupid one.” I muttered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” I lied.

“Brian what have you done?”

“Why do you have to know me so well?”

“Spill your guts Haner.”

“I might have – Uh- I might have kissed Michelle earlier today.

“Sometimes I wonder how the fuck can you be my son.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say.” I chuckled.

“Are you planning on telling her?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Well… not now obviously.”

“So, I’m back! Can we go now Brian, I really have to-”

“Yeah we’re going. Where’s McKenna?”

“I’ll go get her.” I said.

It felt good to get that out. Especially because I told my dad. He wouldn’t judge me like some of the other guys would. And they would also throw it to my face every chance they got.

“Hey, somebody there?” I knocked.

“Yes come in Bri.”

“So, dad needs to go Kenna…”

“Oh that’s okay.” She looked at Claire, smiled and then hugged her.

“God you didn’t even spend time with me…” I whined.

“I know… well, you didn’t notice my hair.”

“Oh,” fuck. “I did, I was going to-”

“It’s okay Bri.” She muttered smiling to me. Then she hugged me.

“Purple suits you.” I whispered making her laugh.

“Shall we go?” Claire asked us and we both nodded.

McKenna was running in front of us down the stairs when Claire looked at me.
“Something’s wrong?”

“No, not at all.” She smiled.

“Brian, Suzy, thank you so much for coming and for everything.”

“It’s okay honey, whenever you want us to come just call. Or if you want to come by our place…”

“Yeah we will dad.”

“Okay, we’ll go now. Take care.”

“Bye.”

And they went home, leaving me alone with Claire, leaving me scared again. She sat on the couch admiring our wall as we liked to call it. The wall we painted together. The wall I’ve been staring at lately. I didn’t know exactly how good this was going to sound but I was going to say it anyways.

“So. You and I… Uh- We’re- we’re not having sex. And I get that. I totally get that. I do. I’m not even sure if you want me to touch you which is fine. Really. I understand that. But I wish we could at least talk about it. Or maybe talk, at all. Maybe talking, maybe we’re not there yet… but, uh- we’re going to have to get there, to a talking place. Anyway, you have to eat, so do I and apparently my dad brought us what is the best fried chicken in California, and fried chicken is your favorite. And… This sounded way better in my head… I just thought we could sit here and not talk and eat fried chicken while waiting for the talking place to come.” I sighed. “Wanna eat fried chicken with me?” She chuckled at my question which made me feel accomplished.
“Yes, I’d love to eat fried chicken with you.”

I opened the little box and we started eating sitting next to each other. I put a lot of chicken in my mouth while Claire chewed on a little piece.

“I think we should try it.” She said. I nodded, thinking she was referring to the chicken, and because it was so damn good, and I haven’t really ate a proper meal in some time, I didn’t understand what she was saying. “Having sex.” I nodded again at her words, chewing a little bit more, but starting to understand what she was saying. “Tonight.” I really don’t know why I kept nodding by now but soon when her words arrived to my brain I instantly started to choke with the food on my mouth. “Are you okay?” I couldn’t really talk so I nodded a quick no with my head and hit my hand on the table in front of us almost letting the box with the fried chicken fall to the ground. “Brian, Jesus!” Claire started to hit my back leaving me more relieved once the chicken was entirely swallowed.

We ate the rest in silence but it was almost like a comfortable silence. Not for me anyways, since I was still thinking about what she said.

“So, -” I started making her face me. “-there’s anything you want to do the rest of the day?”
“Oh, I was thinking we could go to the movies.” My mouth fell open with her answer.
“Oh- Yeah, sure. I’ll pick one out of our collection!” I said excited.

“No Bri- I don’t mean here, I mean, we could go to the movies, to the cinema.” Oh, now I’m even more surprised.

“Claire, are you sure?”

“Yes. I am Bri. I mean, I can’t stay inside for the rest of my life right?”

“Yeah, I mean, you’re totally right! Yeah that’s a wonderful idea.” She just stood in front of me nodding. “ You wanna go now?”

“Well… we’re doing nothing here, so… yeah.”

“Okay. Let’s get ready then.” I said smiling.

I went to the bathroom and took in my figure. Saying I looked like crap was an understatement. I was really bad. And my eyes were still red from crying. I took a quick shower. I looked better but still not great. Either way I didn’t want to look great. I didn’t want to leave the place, but Claire wanted so that’s what we are doing.

“Brian are you ready?” I opened the door to find Claire in front of me. Jeans, white tank top with a black cardigan on top, hair straightened, and almost no makeup. Green all stars matching her eyes. This was Claire. And she was beautiful. She never needed to be in a dress to make me notice her. This was what I liked.

“Uh- No. Not yet. You- you’re beautiful.” She smiled at my words.

“Thanks. No put some clothes on and lets go.” I chuckled. I quickly grabbed a white v-neck, my jacket and a beanie and we were good to go.

“I’m ready.” I stated while starting to walk to the door.

“No you’re not.” I looked confused at Claire, not knowing what she meant. Then, out of nothing she brought me closer to her and with her hand on my neck pulled me to her crushing our lips together in a slow kiss. When we separated I looked at her surprised and she gave me an enormous smile that made my heart melt. Yes she still looked fragile and a little bit sad and tired, but she seemed better. But I preferred not to think about that with fear that things would change.

“What do you wanna see?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe the new American Pie?”

“Uh… Isn’t that a bit-”

“Sexual?”

“Well-”

“Wanna see another movie?”

“I don’t know… Never mind you pick.”

“I would like to see the new American Pie, but apparently you don’t want to…”

“No, no, it’s okay, it’ll be fun.”

And it was. We laughed and Claire didn’t seem to have a problem with the more sexual stuff, which made me feel very good. We were sharing popcorns and laughing together and I had to admit this was a very good idea.

“You enjoyed the movie?”

“Yeah, I loved it. But I’m still trying to understand how Alyson Hannigan is thirty eight…”

“True.”

We came home talking about the movie and our favorite scenes and some funny moments. Like usual Claire was already in bed before me. I lied beside her and let myself relax. She wasn’t reading or drawing, I found her looking at me. I looked back into her eyes. She grabbed my hand and smiled at me making me smile as well. With an impulse I pecked her lips and stood back again. She smiled again grabbing my shoulder as a way to keep me in place. We kissed one more time, this time for longer and I pulled back again. “You okay?”

“Umm-mh. It’s fine.” Hearing this I kissed her again resting my hand on her chin. Poisoned with her scent and her soft skin I started leaving a trail of kisses down her neck and she quickly moved her body so her back was facing me. I didn’t realize what was happening until I heard a cry from her. She was breathing hard and she looked like a scared chiwawa. Maybe this isn’t the best description but the way she was shaking scared me a lot.

“I’m sorry.” I heard her say.

“It’s okay baby.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine Claire, really.” I rested my head on her arm giving it a kiss.

I kept caressing her arm, waiting for her to fall asleep.

“Bri… I’m still here.” She barely whispered.

“I know. And I’m not going anywhere Freckles.”