Warmness on my soul

“It’s fine Claire, really.” I rested my head on her arm giving it a kiss.
I kept caressing her arm, waiting for her to fall asleep.
“Bri… I’m still here.” She barely whispered.
“I know. And I’m not going anywhere Freckles.”

Brian. Always so fucking comprehensive. Well... I tried. But again I failed. I missed Brian a lot, I did miss being intimate with him but I wasn’t ready yet. And my comprehensive boyfriend would wait. Poor baby. Sometimes I wish he could read my mind, when I’m thinking about how much I love him and how much I wish I could be with him. But that’s not the only thing I think about. I still can feel Daniel’s hands yanking my hair and bashing my head against the wall, I still feel his hands holding me in place and covering my mouth. I still feel his breath on my forehead. I think about that quite a lot. I knew he’s in jail now but somehow that wasn’t enough. Maybe death was a way to make me feel better. Maybe not. These are the thoughts I wish Brian never knew about.

I woke up with Brian’s arm around me and I managed to turn around so I was facing him. Fortunately I didn’t wake him up. I looked at his face and took in his features. He looked completely different. He looked tired. And I’m the reason why he’s like this. I looked at his arm and at his wonderful tattoos. I just wanted to run my hand through his skin but I was too afraid to wake him. Instead I picked up my blackberry from the nightstand and checked my email.

Fuck. Tanya. Another problem I didn’t want to deal with.

At first, I didn’t want her to know any of this. But now that I’m not so depressed anymore I understand that she has to know. She’s been there for me every time and treated me like a sister. She understood me when nobody else did. Telling her the truth was the least I could do. She deserves to know everything that happened even if it hurts her.

She’s been sending me a lot of emails telling me everything that’s happening. I can see that she’s having fun, Peter is as well. Guess her fun is about to end as she’s arriving in two days.

“Hi honey! We hope everyone is good and we wish you were all here. No actually we don’t... We want to be here alone forever! :) My belly keeps getting bigger, you won’t recognize me when I arrive! There’s not much to tell because I update you almost every day you lucky bitch hahah. How’s Brian? He’s treating you good I hope? As you deserve. I’m sure he is. He’s perfect for you and you’re perfect for him. And don’t worry, he’ll understand you. Always! I’m going now... the fuck-awesome-beaches are waiting! Xoxo Tanya and Peter”

This brought a tear to my eye. And some confusion as well. She’s been saying stuff... stuff that makes me think that she knows more than I think. But... they wouldn’t. No.
I felt Brian move beside me and I looked over at him. He looked so cute sleepy with his hair all messy.

“Hey you.”

“Hey you.” He answered giving me a soft smile.

“Can I kiss you?”

“You never need to ask Freckles.” I smiled at his words and at the nickname he gave me when we were kids. I got closer to him and felt his arms around me. It felt good. I looked into his eyes and saw... him. Nothing else. It was only me and him and in that moment we were invincible. My lips finally touched his in a shy kiss. I loved this boy so much, and I needed to let him know that, I had to verbalize it, at least I had to try.

“Brian. I love you.” His eyes widened at what I just said what made me sad, it’s a sign he doesn’t know it still. “I do. I just want you to not give up on me. I just want to forget everything but I can’t. And I want you to know that I will be normal again. Our lives will get back to normal and we’ll be happy again, because that’s what I want, and what you want... right?”

“Yeah, of course!” He responded quickly. “That’s all I want. And I ‘ll never leave you, I swear. I love you too much to leave. I understand that this is going to get some time... ”

“Brian. You are... You’re a man. You have your needs.”

“Claire if this conversation is about me not having sex...-”

“No! It’s about US not having sex.”

“Yeah okay, but I’ll wait for you, you can be sure of that.”

“God! You are really the best thing on my life. Sorry for starting to verbalize it just now.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of relieved. It feels amazing to hear you talk like that.”

“I bet.” I smiled.

“What are your plans today?”

“My plans? Okay, fist of all I want to make you stop this. I’m not sick. I don’t need to stay home all day... And then...” I cut my sentence and pulled Brian into a kiss. “I plan on doing that more.” I smirked.

“I really like that idea. And... you know what we need? We are in need of a pool afternoon with lots of bears and guitar hero with our besties.”

“That’s more like my boyfriend talking!” He smiled widely at this and I saw his eyes shining again. “And the fact that the word «besties» came out of your mouth just made the situation more awesome!”

“Oh you are very funny today Freckles!” He tickled me on the side and I laughed out loud which felt very good. And he’s joking with me again so that’s one big step to get things back to normal. Being depressed forever is no life for anyone.

“You know, we couldn’t be depressed forever. Things wouldn’t change if so.”

“I’m very happy that you’re thinking that way.” He sincerely said to me smiling, kissing my forehead wrapping his arms around me again. He was making his actions according to mine and studying my reactions.

“Me too. I’m also happy that I don’t seem to flinch under your touch anymore.” So... this part wasn’t supposed to get out of my head. Obviously he chuckled because he understood that.
“Yeah... I’m not that ugly, am I? If it was Johnny Christ, that would be very understandable... but i-” I punched him in the arm playfully.

“Poor Johnny, even when you’re not with him!” He laughed.

“He likes it.”

“C’mon, let’s get breakfast...”

“No! I don’t wanna. Freckles mean. Bed now.” He answered whining like a little kid.

“Your only advantage on this situation is that I’m actually tired too.”

“This means we can sleep more?”

“Yes puppy.”

“Fuck yeah!” We both laughed and drifted to sleep again.

We woke up again at lunch time, and decided that maybe we could surprise Matt and Val by showing up there. After eating and getting ready that’s what we did.

“I’m nervous.” He said standing at their door.

“Why the fuck are you nervous? Just ring the bell Haner, ring the bell.” He laughed at me and did as I told him. Matt answered the door and his face changed when he saw us.

“Guys?”

“Mattie!” I pulled him into a hug and whispered a thank you in his ear which he replied by hugging me tighter.

“Claire! You good?”

“Do I look bad?”

“Never.” He answered with those dimples.

I entered the house leaving them at the door. Zacky was inside playing guitar hero by himself cursing at the notes not played. Val and Michelle were next to him looking at him as if he was a retarded kid. He actually looked like it right now. I couldn’t blame them.

“Hey guys!” They all looked at me and smiled immediately.

“Honey!” Val and Michelle screamed at the same time. The two of them came to me and hugged me at the same time as well. Twins. “I missed you girls!”

“We missed you too! And we really needed one more female in the house...” Michelle said.

“Yeah I can see. What about you Mr. Guitar man?” By now he dropped his guitar and was smiling at me widely.

“Oh c’mhere you cute thing.” I laughed at him and we hugged. Everybody greeted each other, unless Brian and Michelle who didn’t even looked at one another. I thought that was weird but decided not to pay too much attention to it.

We all sat in the couch and Matt was the first one to speak.

“So... How are you Claire?”

“I’m good. I mean, I’m getting there... Right now I just want to start living again. Know what I mean?”

“And with Tanya arriving soon, things will be more normal...” Val stated.

“Yeah I guess. I just hope she doesn’t ask me about my sexual life which does not exist at the moment.” I was trying to make a joke out of the situation but no one laughed. “Sorry... I- I sho-”

“Don’t worry doll, mine was just ruined as well.” Val said, making Zacky roll his eyes.

“Oh shut up sis, we did not know.”

“How could we?! HOW COULD WE?!” Zacky said in a funny way making us all laugh.

We heard a noise making us turn behind and we saw Jimmy.

“WHAT’S UP PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT?!” he literally screamed.

“DURACELL BUNNY? IS THAT YOU?!”

“Yeah, Jimmy stop screaming!” I said between laughs.

“WHO’S SCREAMING?” He screamed again. He hugged me and kissed my forehead and I smiled at him.

“How did you get in dude?” Matt asked.

“Duuuuude! The door was unlocked!”

“Why the hell would you try to open it in the first place? Wouldn’t you assume it was locked?” Val asked smiling.

“Yeah, but you know what It was UNLOCKED! There’s robbers out there in the night. THEY ROBB
HOUSES!” At this point everybody was crying of laughter already.

“Now that the life of the party is here, why don’t we get started.” Matt suggested.
Everybody agreed. I and the girls got upstairs to get in our bikinis and the guys headed outside.

“I’m gonna drink some water, I’ll join you in a bit okay?”

“Yeah Chelle, don’t take too long.” Val and I went upstairs and she smiled at me.

“I missed Jimmy.” I said chuckling.

“It’s hard not to miss Jimmy.”

“True story.” We both laughed.

Brian’s POV

“Why don’t you guys go outside, I’ll join you in a bit.”

“Brother be careful, there might be a thief in the house alre-” Jimmy couldn’t finish his statement because Zacky pulled him outside.

I grabbed a glass and poured some water on it when suddenly I heard steps behind me. When I turned I saw Michelle and she was about to leave the kitchen.

“Please don’t run away from me now.”

She sighed and came into the kitchen again.

“I’m not running away from you. But it’s hard, to say the least.” I nodded at her words.

“When are you going to tell her? You’re going to tell her aren’t you?”

“Michelle-”

“Brian, are you going to tell her or do you want me to do it for you?”

“Michelle just stop!” I screamed. “She doesn’t need to know this now. Not now!”

“I know you, you’ll just delay the talk and end up in not telling her shit!”

“I’m not the same Brian you knew. As a matter of fact I was never «me» with you!”

“Are you really going to go there! Really! I know that already don’t change the subject.”

“I am not! I’m going to tell her, I am! Why are you being a bitch about this it was just a kiss!”

“Just a kiss that she needs to know about!”

We were shouting to each other our foreheads four inches apart when we heard someone cough.

“Brian. Is there something you want to talk to me about?”