Without You, I'm Just Me

I went over to Naomi's parents' place after leaving her house. I wanted to pick up Benji, but my subconscious was thinking something else. Really, I had no idea.

When I got there, I knocked and waited anxiously. My anxiety was rising and I didn't get why. I had been over here a million times, but something was tugging off inside of me. Amy opened the door, "Oh, hey, Pete."

"Hey, Amy," I greeted her, "I'm here to pick up Benji."

"Naomi knows you're here?" She asked as he stepped aside to let me in.

"Yeah," I said.

"Benji's in here with Lee; he just finished lunch," she led me to the living room, "Lee, Benji, guess who's here!"

Lee was bouncing Benji on his knee, happy giggles filled the air. Lee stopped bouncing him and Benji let out a sigh, "Hey!"

"Your daddy's here, little guy," Lee told him.

Benji looked over and saw me; his eyes grew wide and he climbed off Lee's leg, "Daddy!"

I met him half way and swooped him up, "Hey, baby boy, you miss me?"

"Uh-huh!" Benji hugged me.

"I missed you, too," I patted his back, "You wanna hang out with me?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said excitedly.

I turned to Lee and Amy, "Is it cool if I take him off your hands?"

"Yeah, sure," he answered, "you seen Naomi?"

I nodded shortly, "Yeah, for a minute."

"Rob over there?"

"Uh, nah, I didn't see him," the anxiety rose and then suddenly subsided.

Amy gave me Benji's bag, and I settled him on my hip, "You taking him to your folks?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Lemme get his car seat," Lee stood, "One sec."

After talking for a few moments, I took Benji on to my folks. My dad was off at work and my mom was cutting coupons. She grew excited when I brought Benji in; "Hey handsome!"

Benji grinned, "Hi!"

My mom took him from me and buried his face in kisses. Benji giggled; my mom looked over at me as she sat with Benji, "Did you talk to Naomi?"

I sighed, "Yeah, and I got nowhere."

My mom frowned, "What did she say?"

"He isn't beating her...he's just stressed out," I told her a little of what Naomi said, "...she's pissed off at me. I won't ever be in her good graces."

My mom just continued to frown, "I didn't know what I expected, honestly, son."

"Me either, mom."

"At least he isn't hitting her," my mom exhaled, "I was really worried about that."

I sat in the chair next to her, "What do I do mom?"

She gave me a confused look, "I thought you already figured it out?"

I shook my head, "No, I haven't."

"You spilled your guts, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Then what do you need to do now? You've got your answers, what did you really expect, Pete?"

I inhaled, "For more, you know. I wanted...something from her for some reason..."

"No, you know exactly what you wanted, you just don't want to admit it," she spoke up, making me cringe inwardly.

I bit at the inside of my lip, then released, "Okay, I don't want to. I don't even wanna think it."

My mom cooed at Benji before replying, "Tell me what it is, then."

I rubbed my eyes, "I wanted her to want me."

She nodded slowly, tickling Benji's stomach before standing, "And she rejected you."

"Yep."

My mom went towards the kitchen, just a few feet away and got Benji a snack. I waited for her go on and say something to the effect of me being an idiot. But, she didn't, she just sang and cooed to Benji, giving him slices of banana.

"So?" I finally asked.

"So, what?" She hummed back at me, and set Lewy in his high chair.

"What do you think?"

My mom shrugged, "I think you're in a pickle."

"Gamma, I like pickles!" Benji said happily, stuffing a piece of banana in his mouth.

"You want one?" She asked him.

He made a face and shook his head, "No way."

I smiled faintly, "What should I do?"

"Well," she sat and ruffled her fingers through Benji's hair, "what do you think you should do?"

"I have no clue, ma."

"You do have a clue," she looked at me, "you just don't know how to go about it."

"I don't have a clue what to do, honestly."

"What do you want, really?" She asked me.

"I want Naomi," I said without thinking.

"And she doesn't want you," she relayed.

"What do I do?"

"You need to stop asking me and do what you should do, Pete," she told me, "you know what to do."

"I'm afraid to," I confessed, "I'm trying to...not hurt anyone."

"That's impossible, and you know that," she gave me a sadden gesture.

"Yeah, I know."

"How long do you think you can keep that resolution?"

I sighed, "I dunno."

"You have to choose, Pete. The longer you prolong your true feelings, the harder it'll hurt."

"Yeah, yeah...I know."

"Just think about it, son," my mom patted my shoulder, "you don't have all the time in the world, but you've got some time to think this over."

"Yeah...I know."


I had taken a nap on the couch with Benji; I woke up to his weight being lifted off of me. I sighed softly; I heard Naomi's voice; "There you are, baby boy," she whispered, "mommy missed you."

I rolled over and opened my eyes; Naomi was rocking Benji as he yawned, "Mommy?"

"Yeah, it's me, baby boy," Naomi cooed to him.

"What're you doin' here?" I asked with a yawn.

She looked down at me, "I went to go get my son from my dad's, but apparently you picked him up without telling me."

"Yeah, I didn't think I needed to tell you," I mumbled tiredly.

"You do," she muttered, "Lewy's here, he's in the kitchen with your mom."

I sat up, "Awesome."

I followed Naomi to the kitchen, where Lewy was talking to my mom on the kitchen counter. My mom smiled, "You can tell your daddy all about it."

Lewy turned and saw me; he threw his arms up, "Daddy!"

I went over, stretched and then picked him up, "What's up, bud?"

"Daddy, Ricky took me to see Star Wars! It was so cool!" He grinned, "They was in space and there was this big hairy monster and laser guns! I want a laser gun, get me one?"

I laughed, "If I can find one."

"Did you ever see Star Wars?"

"Yeah, I've seen it a couple of times. You know, Joe loves that movie."

"Uncle Joe?"

"Yeah, maybe you can ask him where to get a laser gun."

"Speaking of Uncles," Naomi said, gaining our attention, "Patrick and Andy sent birthday cards for you, bub. You can open them tomorrow."

"I'm stayin' with daddy?"

"Yeah, you are," Naomi came over and kissed his head, "I have to get Benji home to give him a bath and feed him. Tomorrow, we'll be over with your gifts, okay?"

Lewy smiled, "Okay."

Naomi handed me his Yoda bag, "His pajamas, tooth brush and blanket are in there."

I took it and held it; I hiked Lewy up onto my hip, "I'll see you tomorrow."

She nodded, "Yep. Say bye-bye to daddy and Lew, Benji."

Benji yawned and waved his hand at us, "Bye-bye."

I waved back, "Bye, baby boy."

Lewy waved too, "Love you."

Naomi smiled, "I love you, too, bub."

Naomi said bye to my mom before ultimately leaving. I still felt a little out of it from my nap; I took Lewy to the living room with me, where we plopped down and started to watch some cartoons. He told me about the movie and what he did with Ricky; a few hours later, Lewy was yawning and resting in my lap.

My dad had come in, carrying some files, "Hey, you should head upstairs now."

I hummed, "Yeah, I gotta get him changed."

I took Lewy upstairs and got him changed into his pajamas. We got into bed and Lewy scooted close to me. I rubbed his back as he slept on my chest.

"Daddy," Lewy yawned softly, "how long are you gonna be here?"

"For a few days, why?"

"Cuz, I want you to stay here," he yawned again.

"I wanna stay, too, but I can't."

"Why?"

"I have stuff in LA and Ashlee's there."

"You're like mommy," he murmured.

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged, "You have lots of stuff to do."

I nodded, "Yeah, it's a lot we have to do, buddy. We like it."

"I know," he nuzzled his head into my chest, "'night."

I smiled, patting his back softly, "'Night, Lew."