Without You, I'm Just Me

Lewy woke me up by hopping on the bed, "Daddy! Get up! I'm 5!"

I laughed and caught him, "Happy Birthday, Mr. 5."

He giggled, "I get presents today, and cake. Ice cream too!"

I nodded, "Yeah, I know. Grandma said some of your friends from school are coming over."

"Yeah! My friends Jeffery, Paxton, Lela and Christa."

"That's great, dude. Lets go brush our teeth, alright? Then we'll eat breakfast."

"Carry me!" He ordered with a grin; he looked exactly like Naomi just then.

I got up with him holding onto me and headed off to the bathroom. After helping Lewy brush his teeth, I took him downstairs; my dad was making coffee, "Hey! Isn't today your Birthday?"

Lewy threw his hands up, "Yes!"

My dad and I laughed, "Happy Birthday, Lew," my dad looked over at me, "Naomi said she'd be over soon, said Lewy and Benji have doctor appointments that she forgot about."

I frowned, "How'd she forget that?"

"She said she thought it was just Benji, but she found the appointment card and it's for both of them. Lewy's getting his S-H-O-Ts for school, and Benji is getting a check up."

"What time is she suppose to be here?"

My dad hummed and looked at the clock, "She said 10, so you got 20 minutes to get him ready."

"Alright," I sighed and picked Lewy off the counter, "lets go get dressed, buddy, then we'll eat."

"Okay," Lewy said with a shrug.

I took him upstairs and dressed him; we ate some cereal and by the time we finished, Naomi arrived. She carried Benji in, putting her sunglasses on him, "Sorry this is such short notice," Naomi said, smiling at Benji; she looked at us, "you ready, bubba?"

"Can daddy come?" Lewy asked.

Naomi shrugged, "You wanna come, Pete?"

I was surprised at how welcoming she was; I nodded, "Sure."

"Well, lets get going," her face beamed.

I slipped my shoes on and followed Naomi out with Lewy. We both put the boys in the backseat, in their seats and then got upfront. Naomi started the car, some music began to play and I laughed when I realized it was Saturday.

"Hey, they really like this song," she said, "they think daddy's cool because he can scream like the devil."

I laughed again, "For real? Who let them listen to our songs?"

"I did," she answered, "I like Patrick's voice, and I love Take This To Your Grave."

I listened to Benji and Lewy both attempt to sing the song. My face burned from the smile I had as I listened and looked back from time to time. Once it got to my part, both boys grew quiet; "They like listening to this part," Naomi told me softly.

The song ended, and a Lady Gaga song came on. I chuckled, "Lady Gaga?"

"They like her, too. You should see them get down to Just Dance," she informed with a small giggle.

The boys sang along to Poker Face, causing me to just laugh. I looked over at Naomi and saw her smiling, absentmindedly, her expression gave the impression that her thoughts were elsewhere. I tilted my head, "What's got you in a good mood?"

She sighed contently, "It's nothing, really."

I had a small feeling it had something to do with Rob, so I kept my mouth shut. I decided not to think about it, because so far, we were having a nice morning. Naomi was all smiles and my kids were giggling and singing, that's all that mattered to me. I didn't want to bring it down, so I shut up. I thought about bringing it up later.


"I don't wanna get shots!" Lewy cried.

He was in my lap, face buried in my chest, "I promise it won't hurt, buddy."

"You get a lollipop after," Naomi told him, patting his back, "it'll be real fast. You won't even feel it."

Benji's check up had ended and he was all good. Lewy had to get a new inhaler and his shots. He was refusing it so far, and the doctor begged us to calm him down. I held him and told him it wouldn't hurt; Naomi, too, was telling him it wouldn't be a big deal. He was slowly coming around to it, so Naomi got the doctor.

"Are you ready, Peter?"

Lewy frowned, "Thats not my name."

Naomi chuckled, "It's Lewis, doc.

"I keep forgetting," the doctor laughed off, "are you ready, Lewis?"

He nodded slowly, "Yeah..."

The nurse stood by, pulling his sleeve up, "It'll just hurt for one second, Lewis, don't worry."

Lewy shut his eyes right as the needle came out, even I had to look away. Within a second, the doctor was done and announced so. Lewis exhaled deeply, "Thats it?"

"Yep," the nurse put a Transformer band-aid on his arm, "and here is your lollipop, Lewis."

He grinned as the nurse gave him a grape lollipop, "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Benny gets one, too?"

The nurse hummed and gave a green one to Naomi, "Oh, look, baby boy. Lewy got you a lolli."

Benji awed at it, "Thank you," he said to the nurse.

She smiled, "You're both very welcome."

We carried the boys out, Naomi made another appointment for them and then we got to the car. I buckled Lewy in, "How's your arm, tough guy?"

He shrugged, "It's okay. Can you open this for me?"

Lewy handed me his lollipop, I took the wrapper off and gave it to him. He smiled and stuck it in his mouth; I got in the front seat, Naomi followed suit, "Ready for your party, bub?"

Lewy hummed, sucking on his candy, "Yep!"

Naomi smiled back at him, "Make sure you're careful with that."

"I am, mommy," he assured.

Naomi shook her head and started the car; we headed the familiar route towards her place, "I have to get his gifts and cards. It'll only take a second."

Naomi pulled up to the curb of her house, parked and got out. I watched her, frowning slightly when I saw Rob coming out the house. She went up to him and hugged him, kissed his cheek and then went inside; Rob continued towards the car. My jaw set as he came around my side, but he didn't acknowledge me; he opened the back door, "Hey, buddy," he said to Lewy.

"Hi," his voice was muffled from the candy.

"How was the doctor's? Your mom said you got a shot."

I didn't turn, I watched in the passenger rearview; Lewy showed him his arm, "It didn't hurt."

"Cuz you're tough, dude," Rob laughed; it caused my skin to crawl, "I came to give you a present; I'm gonna be gone for awhile, and I'm leavin' soon, so I won't be able to come to your party."

"Where you goin'?" Benji asked.

Again, Rob laughed; "I'm taking a trip to Italy. I'll be back soon, though," he was quiet, I saw him dig into his pocket and pull out his wallet, "here, you get that skateboard you were beggin' your mom for. If she tells you no, have Ricky buy it for you."

Lewy giggled, "Cool. Thank you."

"You're welcome, dude. Have fun."

Rob left, closing the door and jogged up the pathway, helping Naomi to the car with the gifts. I bit down on the inside of my lip, keeping my mouth shut. Naomi got back into the car, she didn't stop and watch Rob, she basically started the car and began to drive.

"What did Rob give ya, Lew?" She asked him.

"Money," he said, "a lot!"

Naomi looked back for a second, "He gave you $50?!" She almost slammed on the breaks.

We all couldn't help but to bust out in laughter. Naomi scowled, "It's not funny," she continued on, "why did he give you that much money?"

"So I can get a skateboard," he said happily.

"You are not getting a skateboard, Lewis."

"Yeah-huh! I want one."

I looked over at Naomi, "Why can't he get a skateboard?"

"He can break something! I do not wanna see him in any sort of cast."

"Just let him get one, geez, he's 5."

"Yeah, he's 5! He can't even ride a bike yet, why the heck would I allow him to try a skateboard?"

"How're you gonna be when he wants to drive?"

"That's different," she mumbled, "besides, I don't have to worry about that for like 11 more years."

"Maybe if you let him get a skateboard, he won't need a car in 11 years," I told her.

"You're not clever," she sang with a smirk.

"I wasn't tryna be, but I mean, let him be a boy. Boys are meant to get dirty and hurt themselves."

Naomi sighed, "Fine, fine. I'll take him after his party. I need to know the dynamics of this death trap."

"I'll come with you," I said.

She shrugged, "Fine by me."


There was a lot more kids and people outside than I thought there'd be. Lots of girls, with kids, who were friends with Naomi. My mom said they were friends from when she was teaching and a few that were models like her, and who had kids. There was a couple of guys, who were all talking, so I didn't bother them. I stuck with my brother, who was drinking, and was talking about nothing.

"Aye," Andrew said, nudging me, "you see her tattoo yet?"

I raised a brow, "Whose?"

"Naomi," he chuckled; he was tipsy.

"She has a tattoo?"

"Yeah, it's a little heart..." He got up and pointed to the corner of his pelvis, "right here."

"How do you know?" I asked, sipping from my beer.

He sat back beside me, "I did it for her birthday."

"Why?"

Andrew shrugged, "She asked and I said yeah."

"You did it?"

He nodded, "Yeah, I told you I wanted to tattoo. Naomi was my first victim and she likes it, so I'm not too bad. She wants to do Benji and Lewis' names next, since they're learning how to write it."

My brows shot up, "How come you never told me before?"

He snickered, "I haven't been drunk around you in awhile. She told me not to tell."

I shook my head, "Thats dumb."

"Nah, bro, she just got it to see how it was and she didn't want to freak her old man out," Andrew gulp the rest of his beer, "he knows now, it wasn't all that bad."

"Oh. I thought she didn't want you to tell me."

Andrew chuckled, "She just meant anyone, man, that's what I meant. I'm surprised the boys didn't tell you about it."

I shook my head again, "Nah, they didn't."

He hummed, "Maybe she told them not to tell either. Anyway, what did you get him?"

"Some clothes, he's going to school soon."

Andrew chuckled, "Mom and dad got him a bike."

"For real? Naomi's buying him a skateboard."

"Hell yeah!" He exclaimed, "Me and little dude can ride together!"

I laughed, "Yeah, you can teach him for me."

Andrew frowned slightly, "Why don't you come back home?"

I furrowed my brow, "Cuz I got a life in LA."

"What life?" My brother got up, "Your life is right there playing with your kids."

I looked over to see Naomi chasing Benji and tickling him. Lewy came up behind her and jumped on her back; they all fell into the grass laughing, "You don't know what you're talkin' about, Andy."

Andrew shrugged and went inside; my eyes wondered back to Naomi playing with the boys. After a few moments, she got up and left them to play with their boys and shook the grass off her legs. She talked to her friends for a minute and then came over to me, "Where's Andrew?"

"Inside."

She made a face, "He better not be swiping at the cake," she left me and rushing inside, calling his name.

I leaned back, and ran my hand through my hair; what Andrew said was playing in my head. Maybe he was right, but I couldn't really fathom the fact that he was right. Living in LA felt too comfortable, and moving back here, not being with Naomi, didn't feel right. I guess that was why I didn't want to come back; I wouldn't be with Naomi. I would be living with my parents again and I didn't want to do that; staying in LA suited me, I was wanted back there...

Here, I was wanted too, but it felt more of an obligation. It wouldn't even matter if I was gone, because my kids expected me to be gone. That's why I stayed in LA, it didn't matter if I came back or not.

"We're ready to cut the cake!" My mom announced; her voice cut all thoughts.

"Yes!" I heard Lewy exclaim.

I stayed where I was, watching everyone gather at the large folded table. I grabbed another beer from the cooler, popped the cap off and took a large gulp. Naomi followed my mom out of the house, carrying the cake; Andrew came out with an ice cream cone and sat beside me.

"Pete," my mom called, "get over here."

I got up, set my beer down and went over; Andrew followed. I stood beside my mom, who nudged me next to Naomi, behind Lewy. Naomi lit the 5 candles on a Marvel's superhero cake. Everyone began to sing to Lewy, I patted his shoulder, knelt beside him, "What're you gonna wish for?"

He looked at me, then leaned into my ear, "For mommy to kiss you and you come live with us."

My brows flew up; I was the only one who heard him. I smiled awkwardly, "Uh...good luck, buddy...I hope it comes true."

He grinned, "Me too."

Once the singing stopped, Naomi rubbed his back, "Make a wish, bub."

Lewy inhaled and then blew out his candles. Everyone clapped and Naomi began to cut the cake. I stood back and tried to shake what Lewy had said out of my head.