Without You, I'm Just Me

Andrew came with us to buy Lewy's skateboard. The entire ride, Naomi and Andrew talked and laughed like old pals. I was a little jealous, I couldn't help it, because I felt like I couldn't have a conversation like that with her anymore.

All Naomi felt towards me was annoyance and some hate. She didn't show it, but I'd be an idiot not to know that, that was all she felt towards me. She said it herself, I ruined her life.

I wanted so badly to talk to her, but I didn't know what to say. Whenever we were together, I felt like I did when I was with my first girlfriend; naive, dumb and speechless. I never knew what to say to Naomi. I may act like I got it figured out, but it's just an act; act like you know what you're doing and no one asks questions.

Inside the store, Benji rode on my back, wrapping his arms around my neck; "Daddy, I wanna nap."

I smiled, "All you do is nap."

"So? 'S good for me."

I chuckled, "You'll nap soon, Benny."

Lewis and Andrew were off looking at the decks, Naomi was a few feet in front of me messing with her phone. I went over and stood next to her; she looked over and smiled, "You're gonna go to sleep, aren't you?"

Benji hummed, "Yeah."

Naomi petted his hair, "Is he heavy?" She asked me.

I shook my head, "Nah, he's good."

Her lips parted in a small smile, "Gosh, you're so cute, Benji."

"I'm not cute, 'member?" He huffed.

"Oh, excuse me," she giggled, "I forgot, you're handsome. My baby boy is handsome."

Benji reached for her and I let him go; Naomi cradled him in her arms and kissed his face repeatedly as he giggled. I smiled at this; I couldn't imagine a better woman to have kids with. Naomi loves our kids, and they love her just as much.

She held him as he rested his cheek on her shoulder. He yawned slightly and looked at me, "Mommy's comfy, daddy."

"Yeah, Benny, I know."

I heard Naomi scoff, but she didn't say anything. I followed her to where Lewy and Andrew were getting his skateboard put together. Andy got him some wheels that gripped well so he wouldn't slip; once it was finished, he took it under his arm and led the way to find a helmet.

"Hey!" Lewy jumped, "Ricky!"

Lewy dropped the skateboard and ran towards Ricky, who was looking at the helmets. Naomi went over, even Benji looked up; "What're you doing here?" She asked him.

Ricky smiled, hugging Lewy, "I was getting a helmet for Lew."

"How come you weren't at my birthday party?" Lewy asked him.

"I had to visit my old man, dude," Ricky patted his head, "Pete's mom told me you guys came to buy him a skateboard and I thought, what the hell, why not get him a helmet?"

Naomi hugged him swiftly, "Thanks, Rick, really."

"I'm buyin' my own skateboard!" Lewy told him, "Robert gave me money."

"That's awesome," Ricky chuckled, "you can help me pick out the helmet you want."

"I want it to match my deck!" Lewy rushed past us and got his deck from Andrew, who had picked it up, "Look, it's a skeleton!"

"Cool," Ricky led him towards the helmets.

Naomi followed, "Hey, I'm gonna take Benji to the car, you stay with Ricky, Andrew and daddy, alright?"

"Okay!" Lewy said.

Naomi sighed as she came back over to me, "Benji needs to use the bathroom, then I'm taking him to the car so he can sleep."

"You want me--"

She shook her head, "It's okay. Make sure Ricky doesn't go crazy with buying him stuff. Lewy knows how to get Ricky to splurge on him."

I nodded, "Alright."

Naomi smiled and walked off towards the bathroom. My brother and I trailed behind Lewy and Ricky as they talked. Andrew nudged me, "Shouldn't you be doin' what Ricky is doing?"

I shrugged, "Lew likes him, I can't tell him anything."

Andrew hummed, "Whatever. I should get me some wheels. I'll be on the next aisle."

"Sure, bro."

Andrew headed off and I followed Ricky and Lewy awkwardly. I cleared my throat as he helped Lewy try on helmets; "How long have you known Naomi again?"

He thought for a moment, "Uh, she was 17 when we met...so, uh 8 or 9 years now? I can't remember, dude, I was stoned most of time we hung out years ago."

"How'd you meet her anyway?"

He looked at me, "I was friends with Bill, he introduced us."

"How'd you stay so close to her?"

"I dunno, she's just been the only one who actually didn't just think of me as a useless pothead," he smiled, "Naomi is family, man, she's the only one I get left."

I blinked, "For real?"

"Yeah, she's my friend, I'd do anything for her."

"You keep an eye on that jerk off Rob?"

He chuckled, "Ain't my business, but whenever they argue, I'm right there makin' sure Lew and Benny are taken care of."

"Thanks," was all I could think to say.

"Don't mention it, man," he shrugged, "I love them, they keep me movin'. My girl digs them, too."

"Again, thanks. I'm glad they're around a guy who loves them when I'm not around."

"I'm their Godfather, I wanna be around," he smiled, "she doesn't blame you, either, for you not being here...she knows you got a life in LA."

I nodded shortly. "Can I ask you something?"

"What's up?"

"Is she okay?" I asked faintly.

He looked over at Lewy, who was humming and looking over the large wall of helmets, "Uh, I dunno...it's hard to tell with Naomi. She's like a brick wall...I try not to budge, because I don't wanna piss her off and lose her. You just don't know what her friendship means to me, Pete."

"Like what?"

"Naomi really was the only person from my past who actually gives a damn to talk to me. All my old friends don't talk or come around; she and I are alike...since, ya'know, Babette and Kate stopped talkin' to her."

I frowned slightly, "Oh."

He tweaked his lips, "Naomi told me about you and Kate...that was low, man."

"I don't even have an excuse."

"I'm not here to judge you, because I don't even know you, but Naomi is my friend, perhaps my best friend, so I'm more than willing to protect her. You didn't have to do that to her, but other than that, I really think she needs you."

I furrowed my brow, "Why?"

"Cuz, she's in love with you, dude. How fuckin' blind are you?" He snickered and turned around.

"Nah," I stepped beside him, watching Lewy pick a helmet, "no she doesn't."

"You're as blind as she is stubborn," I patted Lewy's head as he picked a helmet, "you like this one, dude?"

Lewy turned, "Uh-huh! Daddy, do you like it?"

The helmet was black with the Misfits crimson ghost logo on it. I grinned, "Hell yeah, buddy!"

He grinned right back, "I want this one, Ricky."

"Alright, lets go pay."

Before Ricky could head off with Lewy, I grabbed his arm, "Can we talk later?"

Ricky cocked a brow, "Uh...okay? I'll be at Naomi's later."

"We can take the kids somewhere," I muttered, "I really wanna talk some more."

"Sure, we'll see."

Ricky headed off and I called for my brother. We followed after Ricky and Lewy; Ricky paid first and then the clerk rang up Lewy's skateboard, "$45.50," the guy said.

I looked down at Lewy, who gave me a look, "I wanna pay!"

"Go for it."

Lewy reached into his pocket and pulled out his money. He stood on the tips of his toes and waved the money at the clerk. I laughed and picked him up, "There."

The dude gave us a funny look, but I didn't even care. I gave Lewy his change and grabbed his board. We headed out to the car; Ricky talked with Naomi and then we all said our goodbyes. Naomi looked back at Lewy, "Did you thank Ricky?"

"Yes," Lewy answered.

"Do you like your skateboard?"

"Uh-huh."

Naomi looked back at me, "Did you get elbow and knee pads?"

"I did," Andrew said.

"Thanks," she smiled at him, "if you're gonna teach him, please be careful."

"We are, Naomi," Andrew sucked his teeth jokingly.

Naomi just smiled and shook her head. It was kinda hard to believe that she loved me like that still. I was also so hopeful that she was still in love with me.


Over the next 2 days, I met Ricky at the park with the boys. We pushed them on the swings while Ricky explained to me what Naomi was going through. She hated modeling, she hated traveling; she finally had enough money to stay home for awhile.

"So, can I ask somethin'?" Ricky just nodded, "She really doesn't talk to Babette and Kate...not even Chris?"

Ricky shook his head, "Nah, but, man, Willmett is small. Naomi sees them from time to time, but it's not a happy reunion."

"Last time I saw Chris, we got into a fight."

"She told me," Ricky shrugged, "but, she's happy. She doesn't miss Kate, but Babette is the one she misses...they were close, if it wasn't for her, as Naomi says, she wouldn't be able to spend the fall and winter with the boys."

"I'm sorry about that," I pushed Benji slowly, "I was so messed up back then. I dunno what the hell I was thinkin'."

"Naomi isn't mad anymore, she's kinda grateful, cuz she got to see what kind of friend Kate really was."

"Still, wish I hadn't of done it."

"What you shouldn't have done was marry that Ashlee chick," Ricky muttered, "Naomi is still broken up about that, I know for sure. She says she's over it, but she can't even look at the magazines or watch mtv."

My stomach flipped; I was going home soon to Ashlee. To the one person I shouldn't be with. It makes me nervous and sick.

"Yeah, I know."

Ricky looked at me, "Do me a favor?" I nodded, "Please, man, if you're gonna divorce her, do it quick, cuz I don't want Naomi to marry Rob."

"Why not?"

"Because if she does, she'll regret it...Naomi's just a broken woman who wants more than she's getting. Besides, I ain't a big fan of Rob; he's cool and all, but he can't replace you."

"My head and heart are in two different places, you know?"

"It's plain as fuckin' day what you should do, why don't you do it?"

"Cuz, man, I don't wanna break Ash's heart. She's in love with me."

"So was Naomi, how was it so easy for you to leave her?"

"She dumped me," I answered.

"So? Didn't mean you had to go off and start a new life."

Everyone around me seemed to know what to do, except me.

Ricky went on, "But, it's your life, Pete, I'm just saying what I think."

"Yeah, I know...I know."

"Don't do anything irrational," Ricky advised, "just think it over."

"I am, man, believe me. I am."