Without You, I'm Just Me

My visit was over, nearly a week after Lewy's birthday. Naomi and me hadn't really talked, but I did talk to Ricky. I got a few answers, but mostly I was informed about the things Naomi kept inside. It wasn't major, just the fact that she was insecure and that she hated being alone. I knew then that I had a decision to make, and it wasn't gonna be easy.

I decided I would divorce Ashlee. I wasn't going to make Naomi be with me, but I was gonna end my marriage move back to Chicago, get my own place and be here for my kids. I was gonna make sure that Naomi was okay, even if she didn't want to be with me, I was still gonna be there.

I was freaked with the thought. Nervous, afraid. I didn't want to have another broken heart on my conscious. But this had to be done. I couldn't do this anymore, because Ashlee deserved someone who loved her and it wasn't me.

When I had to go, I had the boys with me. They helped me pack, and we played around. You could see Lewy dreading the moment I would leave, he kept asking me what time it was and looking at the clock. The sadness that filled his eyes made me wish I hadn't have done all the things I had. I love him and Benji so much, I felt like my chest would explode; it was how I felt about Naomi.

Once 4PM rolled around, I had to go. Andrew was going to drop me off, and the boys would be coming with me. I carried them down to the car with me; Benji on my back and Lewy holding my hand. Andrew grabbed my bags for me and we loaded up the car.

In the car, after the kids were buckled in, Andrew looked over at me, "So, when are you comin' back?"

"I dunno," I exhaled, "but I made a decision."

"Yeah? What kind?"

"It's hard to explain," I lied; I couldn't find the courage to say exactly what I planned to do.

It left a bad taste in my mouth.

"Good luck, bro," Andrew hummed.

"Thanks, I need it."

At the airport, after Andrew parked, I opened the back seat doors and talked with the boys for a little while before I left. Lewy was in tears by the time I was saying goodbye to them. I leaned over and hugged him, "Hey, little dude, don't cry, I'll be back."

"You take forever to come back," he grumbled.

"I'll try and come back soon, alright? I got some stuff to do," he looked away from me and frowned. I kissed his cheek, "Take care of your mom for me, okay?"

He nodded.

"Be a good big brother, buddy. I'll be back soon," I ruffled his hair, "hey, kick ass on your skateboard."

He finally smiled, "I will."

"But, ya'know, don't freak your mom out too much."

He giggled, "I'll try."

I kissed the top of Benji's head, "You'll be good, baby boy?"

He shrugged, "I dunno."

I laughed, "Don't cause trouble for your mom, alright?"

He gave a nod, "'Kay. Are you gonna be back?"

"Yeah, as soon as I can. Until then, you guys call me whenever you want."

"Okay," they both replied.

I licked over my lips, waved to them and picked up my bag. The boys waved back, Lewy started to cry, but he wasn't sobbing. I felt bad for leaving him there in tears.

"Take care of them," I told Andrew.

"I always do, Pete."

"Thanks," I exhaled and waved.

I didn't look back as I walked to the entrance. Once I was half to the gate, I did look back, just hoping I would see them across the airport, but my hope was too high.


As soon as I saw Ashlee, I felt bad about my decision. The way she embraced me and hugged me, telling me she missed me; I couldn't say I didn't love that. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I went back on my decision...it still irked me.

I needed a release, so I did what I always seem to do. I started to make music, I started to DJ, just to give me something to do when we went out partying. It was fun, I spent the majority of my time doing that.

Especially in June. Just after my birthday, when Benji and Lewy sent me the coolest stuff. It was things they made, things they drew for me. It made me miss them even more, but something wouldn't let me leave.

With Ashlee, things were the same, only she wanted more. I didn't want to give her more, I refused to have a baby with her, citing my reasons with Lewis and Benji. She was starting to resent me, but she never left me. I spending more time away from her, I was out more, and I really only talked to my friends and my kids. I made some money, I was busy and I really enjoyed it. Plus, I was partying, I had no worries, and I barely noticed how long it had been since I seem my kids.

It was the beginning of August when I remembered that Lewis was going to start kindergarten soon. I wasn't sure if I would make it, though I really wanted to; hell, I had to. It wasn't an obligation, it was something I really wanted to be, but he was so far from me.

I made the arrangements anyway, subconsciously. My mind wanted me to, I wanted to be there, I wanted to help him and hear about his first day. When I thought about it, I thought of Lewis and Benji, I felt happy.

Ashlee wasn't as happy as I was. She didn't want me to go, she thought it was a waste of time, but I didn't argue. I told her that I was going and that was that.

"You can't just leave me," she snapped.

I was busy getting some clothes for a week's stay; "You can come--"

"I have things to do," she growled.

"I'm sorry, but he's my kid, ya'know? I can't just not be there. I'll be back in a week, I promise."

Ashlee sighed and just walked away. I think I was trying to push her away. I wanted her to get tired of me so I wouldn't be the one to break her heart.

"I'm sorry," I said to her, "I'll promise to be back."

"Yeah, I know," she huffed.

She looked at me, expecting me to say more, but I had nothing to say. I assume I was supposed to say "I love you," but I couldn't. I smiled at her, "You can come," I offered again.

Ashlee shook her head, "No...go be with your kids. I know you'll come back to me."

My stomach knotted, in a bad way, and I just nodded again. I continued to pack, feeling excited to see my kids.


My mom and Lewis were the ones to pick me up. Lewy ran to me, throwing himself at my hips as soon as I was off the gate. I picked him up and hugged him, "I missed you, dude."

He laughed, "I missed ya, too, dad."

I inhaled and carried him towards my mom, she smiled at me, "Hey there, Ashlee didn't want to come?"

"Nah, she has stuff to do," I explained, "it's all good."

"I would've brought Benji, but he's napping with Naomi."

I laughed, "Of course he is."

"C'mon, lets go get your bag."

I followed my mom, got my bag and then we got to the car. I had my mom take me to Starbucks and get a drink. She chuckled at this, ordering my drink for me; I always get nervous doing it for some reason.

When we finally got to my parents, Lewy tugged my hand and led me to the living room. Naomi was there, lying on the couch, her long hair was flipped to one side and Benji was in her lap, both were asleep.

"Daddy," Lewy whispered, "take a picture."

I smiled and pulled out my phone; I took a picture of Naomi and Benji, they didn't move at all. Lewy giggled and then took my hand; we went to the kitchen to eat. We talked a little about school, he told me he started on that Monday, 2 full days away.

Naomi woke up awhile later, with Benji and found us on the floor watching TV. She yawned, "I should be going," we both looked back at her, "you wanna stay the night, bub?"

"Yeah," Lewy got up and went over to her, "I love you."

Naomi smiled and hugged him as Benj moved off her lap, "I love you, too. Be good. We'll go shopping tomorrow morning for your backpack. The store has the one you want, too."

"Thanks!" He hugged her again.

Naomi laughed, "You're welcome. C'mere Benny Boy," she hugged Benji, "You wanna stay?"

He nodded, "Uh-huh."

"Grandma has your pjs in the dryer," she got up, then leaned down and kissed their heads, "be good, I'll see you tomorrow morning, we'll go out for pancakes."

The boys cheered and then plopped on the floor with me. Naomi waved to us, smiling and then headed out; I heard her say goodbye to my mom, who was cleaning up. I sat up and hugged Benji, "Hey, buddy, do you start school on Monday, too?"

"No," he shook his head, "Mommy says Wednesday I start pre-school."

"You like spending time with mommy?" I asked him.

He nodded, "Yes, she takes naps with me."

I smiled and shook my head, "You and your naps."

"I can't help that I gets sleepy!" He exclaimed.

I laughed, "You're amazing, Benny."

"Mommy says I'm awesome."

"Yeah, you are. You and Lewy are the best kids ever."


The kids shared the second double bed while I took a shower. When I came back, I found Lewy and Benji out of the bed and in my closet. They were looking through my old chest; I kept my old vinyls, pictures, books, letters and stuff like that.

"Hey, what're you guys doing?"

Benji looked back at me, "This is mommy!"

I saw they had the Polaroids of Naomi from when she modeled for Babette. I remember when I took them from her; I remember how ticked she was at me. I loved those pictures, I hate how I forget they're real.

I began to dress and hurried over next to them, "What else is in there?"

"Lots of pictures," Lewy said, "mommy looks like Abbey."

Naomi looked so young in the pictures I had of us; there were dozens. Us together, some with my friends, with Andy and Chris; even Babette and Kate. Benji held up one of Naomi and Babette together at a party, sitting on a counter; "Who's this with mommy?"

Lewy looked over, "I know her."

"That used to be mommy's friend, Babette," I told them.

They flipped through the pictures until Lewy held up one of me and Naomi together in the apartment I shared with Andy and Tim. I smiled at it, "I love that picture," Naomi and I were sitting on the couch, Joe was beside us lighting a bong; I had my arm around Naomi's shoulder, I had a cigarette in my mouth. Naomi was grinning, laughing I think, her eyes in slits, her teeth baring, shining white, and her knees bare, with a pink band-aid on a cut there on her knee. I can't remember who took the picture, maybe Andy or Tim, all I remember was that this was just after the miscarriage. Maybe over a week after, she had scrapped her knee from the show, and Abbey put the band-aid there for her.

"Mommy looks pretty," Benji murmured.

"Yeah, I know," I exhaled.

"Can I have this?" Lewy asked.

I nodded, "Where're you gonna keep it?"

"In my room," he said.

"Keep it safe, alright?"

"Okay," he got up and hustled to his bag.

"Daddy," Benji tugged my shirt, "is this for mommy?"

He had a piece of paper with Naomi's name written on it a million times. It had some lines I wrote, "How do you know it's for mommy?"

"Her name," he pointed to the letters, "N-A-O-M-I, that's how you spell it. She teached me."

"She taught you?" I asked.

"Uh-huh, for 'mergency."

"Your mom is smart. I wrote her name on it cuz I love her so much."

Benji turned it around, "What's it say?"

"Uh, it's just lyrics...words to songs."

He set it down and picked up the Polaroids, "I like these," he mumbled, "This's how come mommy takes pictures now?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Mommy's really pretty," he looked up at me, "Huh, daddy?"

I nodded, "Yeah, she's beautiful."