Without You, I'm Just Me

Naomi was quiet as we drove to the vet's office to see Hemingway. The kids were with her dad; she didn't want them to get anymore upset, and really Benji wanted to play and Abbey wanted to, too. I sat in the passenger seat, quiet, occasionally looking over at Naomi as she drove.

She had a stoic expression, I knew she was deep in thought. I played with the radio, noticing, too, how slow she was driving. The rain had come down hard the night before and the roads had flooded and were slick. Naomi was driving carefully, despite how deep in her head she was. The silence wasn't awkward, the random spurts of music filled the small void.

"I think I'm gonna start crying again," Naomi finally said.

I looked at her, not sure what to say. She swallowed, I saw her throat bob, and then she rub her eyes with the back of her hand.

"It's okay, Naomi," I said quietly.

She shook her head, "Its silly, I know, but he was such a little sweetheart. I'm gonna miss him."

I put my hand on her thigh and patted, "Me too."

I retracted my hand, trying not to anger her. Naomi didn't even seem to notice. She sniffed and didn't speak after; after a few moments we pulled into a parking lot. We both got out; Naomi led the way in, going to the front desk.

She told the male receptionist why we were there and then he led us towards a door that led to a kennel. I could hear dogs barking, I could smell them too; the receptionist told us that the vet would be in shortly. I wasn't paying much attention to the room, not until Naomi looked at me, "There he is."

Hemy was lying in what looked like a dog bed; it was plush and he looked like he was sleeping, only he wasn't moving. I felt a lump growing and I managed to keep from sobbing. Naomi actually came over to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. Her head rested on my shoulder, right on my shoulder, "He looks peaceful," I said.

Naomi nodded, "Yeah."

I placed my arm around her arm; "I'm sorry," I said.

Her head tilted up, "For what?"

"Every-fucking-thing," I breathed.

Naomi patted my back, "I know."

The vet soon came in and talked to us shortly. Hemy would be cremated and we'd be given his ashes. It didn't take all that long; Naomi and I waited out in the lobby, and then, after a little over 30 minutes, we were given this small granite box; it was a little heavy, and it had his name engraved on the front of it. Naomi thanked the vet, while I was still quiet, trying to wrap my head around everything so far. In the car, I sat there with the box in my lap, tripping out over the fact my dog was dead and in this tiny box.

"Are you okay?" Naomi asked me; her voice was clear.

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"You wanna have a drink before my dad brings the kids over?" She asked.

I looked at her, "Aren't you pissed at me?"

"No, I'm not. I told you, I was sorry about what happened."

I hummed, "Alright."

"Alright to the drink?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

Naomi continued looking ahead. I weighed the box in my hand, still tossing it all over in my head. I felt kinda like I was in a dream.


Naomi popped the cap off her second beer and took a large gulp. For the past 30 minutes the Cure had been playing in her iHome in the living room, and I was sitting on the floor, my eyes on the box that was on top of the fireplace mantle. Neither one of us spoke, it was bizarre, but it was comforting.

I was still sipping on my first beer, I could see something was bothering her. She was buzzed and singing along to The End; she lay on the couch, burping every now and then.

"What's wrong, Navy?" I asked, taking a larger gulp to prepare for a tongue lashing.

"Whadda mean?" She asked, her eyes on the ceiling.

"Why're you drinking? Why're you letting me drink here with you?"

"Cuz...I dunno. It's like we lost a child, why not?"

"I can't see why, though. I mean, you...you were so mad before. You told me to stay away from you."

"I was mad," she mumbled, finally turning her head to meet my gaze, "besides, you care more about me than anyone...'side from Lewis and Benji and your mom and your dad and my family," she burped again, "you wanna know what Rob said when I told him Hemy died?"

"What?"

She blinked, "He said "Good" like...like it was a good thing he died," she sighed, "I try so hard to make it work, but nothing goes right."

"You don't need him," I told her as I stood and finished my beer.

"Yes I do," she looked back at the ceiling as I went back to the kitchen.

I returned with another beer, swiping the bottle open from the coffee table, "No you don't."

She shook her head, "You don't know what it's like going to bed alone and wishing someone was beside you. You know what's worse? Pretending that someone is there and they love you," she finished her beer and set the empty bottle on the coffee table, "Rob don't love me, he treats me like I'm the enemy, you know? He makes me feel like I...like I wish I was dead."

I sat beside her, set my beer down on the table and then I grabbed her arm. I pulled her over into my lap, letting her lay across my thighs; she lifted her hand and I saw the engagement ring. Nothing made me feel sicker, but the feeling went away when she told me, "Take it off."

I didn't hesitate to remove the ring from her hand, "What do I do with it?"

"Toss it," she said with a shrug, "I'm so done with him."

I tossed it onto the coffee table where it bounced off onto the floor. She looked up at me, "I'm done with him," she repeated. "You know what Lewis told me?" Her voice wavered, she was just a little drunk.

"What did he tell you?"

"He didn't want to go to school anymore," she shut her eyes and rolled over, grabbing my beer, "I'm a terrible mom."

"No you're not."

She sat up, chugged my beer and then stood, swaying a bit; "Yeah I am," she hiccuped, "I let Rob take control and now Lewis is afraid to leave me alone with him," she threaded her fingers through her hair.

"You said it's done between you guys, so don't even worry about it now," Naomi turned to face me, "can I have my beer back?"

She took a few steps and handed me the bottle. Despite how tipsy she was, there was something sobering behind her eyes. She sat down beside me; I took a sip, feeling the traces of her red lipstick on the lip of the bottle. Naomi kept looking at me, her eyes scanning me; then she said, "Was she better than me?"

I scoffed, "Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that about Rob?"

She shifted, turning her body to face me, "I'm serious, Pete. Why'd you stay with her after she lied?"

I looked down, "I dunno...I felt bad. She said she loved me and lied because she wanted me around. No ones ever done that before."

She placed her hand on my knee, "If I had lied like that, would you have stayed with me?"

I nodded without thinking, "Yes."

"Rob used to tell me you never loved me," she rubbed my knee, her fingernails scrapped the denim against my inner thigh, "I knew he was lying, but it didn't stop me from wondering. That's why I got so mad at you," she swallowed, her touch left my leg, "I thought Rob was all I would need, because who wants a mom with baggage? He said that to me and I started to believe it, and all I wanted was to be happy, but I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in so long, I...I can't even remember what it feels like."

I licked my lips and set the bottle down, "I wish you never met him."

"Me either," she said softly, "he was so nice in the beginning...he would buy me flowers for no reason, he would play with Benji and Lewy when I needed a little break. Then, one day..." Her eyes met mine, "It just changed. It was so fast, and I didn't...I don't even know how it started."

"It's over now," I muttered.

"He used to hit me where no one could see, which wasn't easy," she laughed bitterly, "he'd grab my hair tight in his fist, he would pinch me-- it sounds childish, but it really fucking hurt," she stood up and lifted her sweatshirt, showing me her Oogie Boogie tattoo on her hip, "I have a scar, right between Oogie Boogie's legs, see?" I leaned in and saw a L shaped scar there that looked near invisible, "He cut me with a pocket knife," she sat down, fixing her sweatshirt, "I...I wanna know, y'know, what I did so wrong to make him so mad all the time. I tried so hard to make him happy, but none of it was good enough-- I wasn't good enough!"

"You're perfect, Navy," I said desperately, "you are."

She shook her head slowly, taking my bottle and drinking the rest. She burped and then set the bottle down; "When he's here I drink until I pass out. He won't let me eat, since I won't have a baby, I shouldn't get fat. Do you know how much I weigh?"

I looked at her body, "120?"

"105," she mumbled, "I haven't been this thin since '08. I lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks, because he starved me. He has control even when he isn't here!"

"You don't have to go through it no more, Naomi."

"I know," she stood again, going off to the kitchen.

I heard her getting something from a cabinet, so I got up and went in there. She had a bottle of vodka and poured some in a small glass; she gulped it down in one swig and then grimaced at the taste. I went over and took the bottle, "Why are you drinking?"

"Because I'm sad," she muttered, "plus, we're all outta twinkies."

I couldn't help but to smile at her inebriated state. Her slurs were cute. I haven't seen Drunk Naomi in years.

"Want me to buy you some?"

"I'ma call my dad, have him bring some when he brings the kids," she swayed a little, and I stopped her.

"No, no, lemme go get them," I took her arm, "Just sit on the couch and forget about drinking your sad away."

Naomi gave a lazy nod and let me lead her to the couch. She sat down and I put her legs up on the couch. She sighed and draped an arm over her face; "Thanks," she slurred softly.

"Yeah, no problem."

Her arm lifted and her hand grabbed my arm, "Wait, c'mere," she told me.

I sat on the edge of the end of the couch, "Yeah?"

Again, her hand came up and cupped the back of my neck; she pulled me forward and kissed me. It was a soft kiss, she sighed and pulled back before I could actually comprehend what she did. She let me go and dropped her arm, sighing again.

I was in slight shock, but I got up anyway; "I'll be right back, Navy."

She hummed and gave another nod. I could only imagine what the hell she was thinking. Maybe she wouldn't even remember, she's drunk, highly buzzed at the most. I wasn't gonna bring it up later unless she did first. I was trying not to get my hopes up.