Without You, I'm Just Me

"He held me down," Naomi told me, her eyes focused on the floor, "he shoved my face into the floor and he..." She paused, "Lewis was right there."

"Lew saw?"

She nodded, "I couldn't cry, I didn't want to scare him. I kept telling Lew to go away, but he stayed and yelled at Rob to get off of me. I am a terrible mother; they're better off without me."

"No they're not," I told her, "that was Rob's fault, not yours."

"I provoked him," she cursed, "I got so mad because he was telling me that I was good for nothing..." She looked at me, "he was threatening to hit me, and I egged him on. I said "do it! Do it!" But he didn't. He just grabbed me and threw me to the floor, pressed a hand to the back of my head and ripped my jeans off," she began to cry silently, tears rolling down her cheeks, "Lewis came in and telling Rob to get off me and I was begging Lewis to go back to his room. Rob made him stay and watch," she cried harder, "I tried so hard to make Lewy leave! I begged him to go back to his room, but he kept hitting Rob's back and yelling for him to get off of me!"

I got angry, not at Naomi; at Rob. I was angry about everything. Angry for the fact I didn't try hard enough to stay. I hated all the choices I had made; how I didn't stay and take care of my kids. None of what I've done in the past year and a half was worth letting Naomi and our kids go through this.

"That's why Lewy is mad at me," she went on, wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, "it's my fault and he won't forgive me."

I didn't know what to say. What do you say to all that? How do you make someone feel better about having some sick asshole take advantage of her in front of her 5 year old son?

"If I ever see him again, Naomi, I'm gonna kill him."

She shook her head, "You were always right. I should've broken up with him from the beginning...I just didn't know it was gonna get so bad."

I could've said I told you so, but I didn't. Naomi didn't deserve to hear it. She didn't deserve any of this.

"I really am sorry, Naomi."

"All I can see is Lewis looking at me, crying and asking me why I loved Rob so much. I lied to him and told him Rob wasn't hurting me," she shut her eyes, "now I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop hearing Lewis begging Rob to please get off of me, and Rob telling me it was all my fault. It is my fault, you should just take Benji and Lewis and run away."

"I would never do that to you," I nearly shouted.

She swallowed, "I should've let you take custody of them; I'm a horrible excuse for a mother."

"Naomi, no you're not," I spoke hard, "Rob did that shit, you didn't."

"I could've stopped it a long time ago!" She exclaimed, then shot up, "I was too stupid and naive and sad and...jealous."

"Of what? Ashlee?"

"Yes," she spun around, her body swayed a little, "it wasn't fair! You had someone and I had nobody but our kids! It's not fun going to sleep by yourself! It's...it hurts not being able to share your love with someone! And it wasn't fair that everyone could have you, but me!"

"It wasn't your fault we ended up like this."

"Yeah, I know!" She muttered, "You--you were the one who couldn't keep it in their pants! All I wanted was you and you wanted to give yourself to everybody but me!" She started to cry again, "I wanted to marry you and have babies and grow old with you, but you didn't want that with me! How come?"

I felt trapped. I had no excuse, nothing to say.

Tears poured from her eyes and her bottom lip trembled. Naomi whispered, "How come no one wants me?"

"I want you," I told her, "I want all of you, I've always wanted you and Lewy and Benji."

"No you don't," she shook her head.

"Yes I do!"

"You don't want me, no one does."

"I do!" I stood up and grabbed her, "How many times do I have to say it? I want you."

She shook her head, "I don't believe it."

"Whatever Rob has said isn't true!" I nearly shouted, "He doesn't know how I feel! He doesn't know how much I love you, how much I care! He just said all that shit to control you, and I know that you know he's wrong and that he's a fucking monster."

Naomi's head hung, "I know. But, you," she began, "you never treated me like you wanted me, only when you wanted to fuck."

I sighed, "I'm a prick, and I never meant to do any of that to you, Naomi. I don't deserve you, and all I want now is for you to be okay, to get rid of whatever he's done to you."

"He's gone now," she said, moving away, "I rather be by myself anyway."

"You're not by yourself; you got Lewis and Benny..." I paused, "You got me too. And I don't mean that in a sexual way or to pressure you into a relationship. We're friends, we'll always be friends, I care about you and I love you, Naomi."

"I know you do," she murmured, "after all this time, it's hard not believing you don't care."

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done and whatever I may do to you. All I want is for you to live your life, to be happy and to be safe; you and the kids."

She placed her palms against her face and let out a small sigh. She started crying again and I quickly wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. Naomi wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my chest, crying softly; "I just want him to go away!" She cried.

"Me too, I'm sorry."

I kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back. She sniffed and looked up, "I love you," she said to me, "I love you, Pete, more than anything."

My heart seemed to slow as she said this. I swore I was hearing things, but when she said it again, I believed it. Naomi said she loved me, and it was genuine and real.

"I love you, too, Naomi."

She brought her head forward and kissed me. Our lips parted, kissing softly, our eyes shut; my hands slipped down her back, holding her hips as her arms wrapped around my neck. My stomach tensed, puddling; God, I felt in love all over again.

Our tongues met, causing our kiss to deepen. She moaned softly, breaking the kiss; she pulled away from me; I was waiting for her to smack me or tell me this was bad, but she didn't. Naomi took my hand and pulled me, leading me down the hall to her bedroom.

My stomach flipped, we were going to do something. I was afraid that we would do something that she would regret, but at the same time I wanted this more than anything. Getting myself off is fucking terrible and fantasies of Naomi would never be as good as the real thing.

I could list the dirty things I've dreamt and imagined, but they couldn't compare to her having her way with me in real life.

Naomi unzipped the hoodie I wore, and then slipped it off my shoulders. I stood frozen, letting her undress me until her eyes met mine. She was still a little drunk, and she looked so sad; I felt bad, so I grabbed her hands as she attempted to pull my shirt off, "Navy, stop."

She frowned sadly, "Why? You don't wanna do this?"

I exhaled deeply, "I wanna do this so bad, but you're...drunk and you're feeling really bad. I'd feel like a total asshole if I just...took advantage of you while you're feelin' this way."

"You don't want me?" She asked, her eyes bore into mine.

"Goddamn, I want you," I told her, causing her to smile softly, "but not like this. You understand? When you're sober and thinking clearly."

Naomi nodded slowly, "Sorry."

"Don't apologize," I bit at my lip, "I really wanna do it," she giggled, "later, alright?"

"Yeah, okay."

I kissed her, "I want you to feel better. I'll take care of you...of everything. Whatever you need, I'll do it."

Naomi sat on her bed, "Thanks."

I sat beside her, "I'll get the boys and order a pizza or something, alright? Tomorrow, you sleep in and I'll take them to school for you. I'll crash on your couch."

Naomi, again, nodded slowly, "Thanks, Pete."

I hummed, "I just want to do better for you and the kids."

"I really do love you," she said, "it ain't the JD talkin' neither."

"I know you do. I love you too, more than anyone."

She leaned over and kissed me on the lips, "Stay with me."

"I will," I promised, "I will."