Without You, I'm Just Me

I couldn't sleep that night. The thoughts billowed in my head, the possibilities of what was happening to Naomi right then. I was afraid, I was worried and sleep wouldn't come.

Ashlee lay next to me, sleeping like a baby. When I looked at her, I felt sorry for her. I didn't love her and I could barely stand her sleeping beside me. The poor girl didn't deserve this, but she loved me too much. I wish I had the guts to tell her I didn't care for her or love her the way she did for me.

Most nights I pretend it's Naomi there, sleeping. I pretend the band on Ashlee's ring finger is Naomi's, and it's Naomi's hand. Too many times I thought about Naomi while having sex with my wife. Hell, it was every time we fucked; I saw Naomi and fought the urge to moan to her name. It was easy once I realized Ashlee didn't squeeze me like Naomi did, she doesn't kiss me the tender way Naomi used to.

They're two vastly different people.

I wondered what Naomi thought of with Rob. Did she think of me when she slept with him, or had a thought of me when she kissed him? I think of her always and I wonder if she thought of me just half as much.

I finally asleep and dreamt of Naomi. She was there, in my head, kissing me; her hands cradling my jaw and then pulling away. Her forehead pressing against mine, her plump lips parting to say, "I love you," and then pursing to say something else, but I woke up.

Ashlee shook me, "Time to get up, I have an audition."

I rolled over and looked at the clock; it was 11AM.

I rubbed my eyes, "What time did you get up?"

"8. I had coffee with my mom and then I remembered your kids are in town," she said, "Uh, the little one's gift is on the couch."

"Benji. His name is Benji," I yawned.

She hummed, "Right, I couldn't remember."

I sat up, "Thanks. Oh, uh, good luck."

"Thanks," she kissed my lips and then walked out.

I fell back against my pillows and reached over for my phone. I had a few missed calls; how did I sleep for so long? I had a call from Naomi and from others that I didn't bother.

I listened to the voicemail Naomi left, sighing tired.

"New Message," the machine spoke, "Press 1 to play."

I pressed 1 and listened; "Hey, Pete, I'm, uh, doing a radio interview at 11:30 and I'm going to meet with some producers, so I won't be home until 3. Do me a huge favor and take the boys to the beach for me. I'll be by to meet you there and then you can leave. I'm sorry it's such short notice...Rob told me you haven't called or came by, so I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time. Uh...if you can't take them, it's fine, I'll have Rob take them, just, please call me by 11. Bye."

I hung up and looked at my clock; it was 11:15 now. It called her, but only got her voicemail; I got up and hurried to get ready. I was groggy, but out of the house by 11:35.

When I got to my car, I took a second to wake myself up. I turned my car on and rubbed my eyes; less than a minute later, I heard a DJ say: "We're here with Naomi Valentino; Victoria's Secret model and guest host for America's Next Top Model. How are you Naomi?"

"I'm great, how are you?" Naomi said softly, I could feel the smile in her voice.

"I'm great!" The DJ said happily, "Now, onto the good stuff, since you're here."

Naomi hummed, "Sure, what's that?"

The DJ chuckled, "Naomi, do you think Pete Wentz is the only reason you're famous?"

The other co-hosts there laughed and clapped.

"Isn't that a Cobra Starship song?" Naomi laughed, too, "Really, I don't think I'm famous at all."

"You are!" The female co-host said. "Honestly, though, do you?"

"To be utterly honest, yes. People are into drama and I think they're waiting for me to expose something," Naomi answered straightforward, I was kinda shocked to hear it.

"Pete has that drama-esque lifestyle, no?" The DJ butted in.

"I don't think so," she said softly; I smiled. "He's just...a regular dude."

"What do you think about him? I mean, I've heard rumors about you guys."

My ears perked up.

"Like what?" Naomi questioned casually.

"That he's cheated on you with famous actresses and musicians, he's slept with a friend of yours, he married Ashlee Simpson to get back at you for dating Robert Coppola."

Naomi paused, my heart raced, "What's happened between me and Pete is between me and Pete."

She sounded loyal. I felt bad for how much I had pressured her.

"What can you tell us about him then?" The female DJ asked.

"He's a great dad and our kids love him."

They cooed at this; I felt relieved.

"What do they think about mom modeling in underwear and dad being in a band?"

Naomi paused again, giggling quietly, "Uh, Lewis, our oldest, he loves music, so he's all for Pete being in a band and playing music. He doesn't like me traveling and doing photo shoots, but he understands it's a job. Benji is...he's gonna be 3 in two days, and he doesn't know much of what we do."

"You take them with you to shoots?"

"Yeah, I do. Benji probably thinks I get my hair and makeup done for a living."

They laughed; the female DJ asked, "How did you get into modeling?"

Naomi was silent for what felt like an eternity. It was dead air until the male DJ cleared his throat, "Tick-tock, Ms. Valentino."

Naomi spoke up, "It's a long, boring story I'd rather not tell."

"Is it a juicy story?" He asked funnily.

"Not really, it's just something I'd rather not talk about."

"Alright, then what can you tell us about how you got into it? Where you a kid who liked to dress up?"

Naomi giggled, "Not in anyway. I just needed to pay for college and it was easier than stripping."

They all laughed and then said something about a commercial break. I continued to drive, flipping the station, just I get away from her voice for a minute. I couldn't listen to her and not think of the way she looked at me the day before, begging me to look the other way while her so-called amazing boyfriend beat her.

I couldn't let myself get angry. I didn't want to be angry when I saw him, I was sure I would kill him if I was angry. I thought about nothing other than getting my kids and taking them to the beach.


I got to Rob's brother's house and paced a few seconds before I knocked. I kept my sunglasses on, hiding my true feelings, I didn't want him to know I was ready to kill him. Holding and distracting the anger wasn't working.

When the door open, my jaw clenched; I saw him there, brow raised, "Oh, hey man. Should've called me."

"Are they ready?" I asked.

"Benji's in the tub, Lewis is eating a snack, come in."

Rob let me in; he was good at being a nice guy. I had known guys like him, Naomi did too, so I didn't get how she could be with him. I kept trying to tell myself that this was none of my business and maybe it wasn't as bad as I keep thinking it was.

"I'll get Benji out," Rob said, "You can get Lew ready, he knows where everything is."

I hummed a response and went to find Lewis. He was in the kitchen, at the small table, playing with the iPad again. He had a half eaten PB&J there beside it, and some juice. "Hey, bud," I called to him.

He looked up, he smiled, oddly relieved, "Daddy!"

Lewy got off his chair and came over to me, I immediately picked him up and kissed his cheek, "Sorry I'm late, I slept in."

"'is okay," he said happily, "Mommy said you're gonna take us to the beach."

"I am," I carried him off, "Show me where your stuff is so I can get you ready."

Lewy led me to a guest bedroom where his and Benji's things were; Rob was in there dressing him. Benji grinned when he saw me, "Hi daddy!"

"Hey little dude!" I said excitedly back to him.

I set Lewy down while he grabbed his stuff; I went over to Benji and Rob, "I got it," I told him, "I'll just get them ready and head out."

Rob nodded, "Alright, cool. I'll see you guys later," he said to the kids.

"'Kay," they both said simultaneously.

Rob laughed and left the room. I put a shirt on Benji, "Did you guys eat pancakes?"

Benji nodded, "Uh-huh, yummy."

I smiled, "Did you eat it all?"

He shook his head, "Too much!"

I laughed and began to put his shoes on; I set him in the bed and then helped Lewy with his shoes. I checked their bag, making sure they had swim shorts and then we headed out. I buckled them in and started off; Lewy called for me, "Mommy said she's on the radio, can we hear?"

I flipped the stations, remembering where I last heard her. I found the station and immediately left the dial. The DJ was talking mid-way, saying, "...Look at the bruises on her arms, she works hard!"

My stomach dropped.

"It's a tough job," Naomi laughed it off.

"That's mommy?!" Benji said excitedly.

"Yeah!" Lewy answered him.

I drove slow as we listened to her talk about her recent job that caused the bruises. Her voice was even, you could believe it if you didn't know her like I did. I didn't believe it for a second.