Without You, I'm Just Me

The boys started school again before Naomi's trial. Everything up until then was great. Naomi was stress and nearly had a panic attack everyday until the trial.

I had done everything I could to comfort her. It was all too much for her, she was on every anti-anxiety and depression medication I could think of. She was drugged up to the point she could barely function and move out of bed unless her stomach was full of pills. I had been there. It was scary and like déjà vu watching her go through it.

She tried to socialize as much as she could. Until September, she and Babette hung out and talked. Ricky and Rae came over a lot, we all hung out. I even starting talking to Chris again. Things had been great. I wish it would've stayed that way.

The boys even saw how this whole mess was getting to Naomi. Lewy was in school 2 hours longer than Benji, so Benji was always with Naomi, trying to cheer her up, but ultimately failed. He stayed with her, though, always lying in bed with her because he loves her that much. If she wanted to sleep all day, he'd come home, drop his backpack and rush to our bedroom and climb into bed with Naomi. Lewy would come home and beg her to play or to color, anything, but Naomi was sorry and turned him down.

It was hard seeing the 3 people I love the most go through such a terrible time. I prayed that after the trial, after Naomi came home, she'd be so different, she'd be happier and stop feeling so anxious. I knew she was afraid and so were we, I always tried to make her see that she wasn't alone. But I know what that anxious and depressed feeling is like, you want to be with people, but the effort seemed too hard. It's hard to imagine anyone knows exactly how you feel, but I knew it, and I was sure Naomi wouldn't believe me.

She didn't go to rehab, her little limp was coming back. She barely ate, she was losing weight and I sought her dad's help. Lee didn't know how to help, but he tried so hard, and Naomi appreciated it, though she lied and forced herself out of bed for him.

When we were alone, I'd hold her. I would kiss her and hug her. Every night I told her how much I love her. I'd leave notes for her by her pills and on the bathroom mirror, telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her more than anything. Naomi would kiss me and hug me, apologize for her actions.

"I'm scared," she said one night, "I might go away, and what the hell can I do?"

There weren't a string of words I could place in a sentence to comfort her. Naomi had heard it all and repeating it wouldn't do any good. No words could help, so I showed her as much love and affection as I could.

September 9th was the first day of her court date. The boys were set to testify, to my dad's request, so we had prepped them just days before and they seemed comfortable enough. That bothered the hell out of me. They sat with me, Benji sat in my lap and Lewy sat to my right. Lee and Amy sat to my left. Naomi sat next to my dad, dressed accordingly at the defense table. My mom didn't want to come, for the fact that she didn't want to make Naomi uncomfortable, and she didn't want to hear all the bad things that happened to her. I went to support her, just like Lee and Amy.

Before the trial started, I saw Ricky and Rae show up and sat behind me. They leaned forward, Rae asked quietly, "How's Naomi?"

I turned my head, "She's okay. Nervous, you know."

The boys had turned and said a small hey to them. We turned back, waiting for it to start.

The trial started quietly, the judge speaking, "The State versus Naomi Ann Valentino, in which Ms. Valentino is being charged with the murder of Robert Coppola Schwartzman. Ms. Valentino has plead not guilty."

There was a jury, my stomach was in knots when I saw them. I was seated behind Naomi, I could see her shaking. She kept tucking her hair behind her ear.

The DA and my dad began opening statements. Naomi kept tucking her hair back and the guy's words seemed to drone, to me. The next thing I knew, a woman I hadn't seen before was being questioned. I learned that it was Robert's mom. I was practically deaf as the DA questioned her, as hard as I tried, I couldn't understand a word.

I must've been afraid.

My dad stood up after a few minutes, going to question her. I suddenly gained my hearing.

"Did you know your son was violent, Ms. Coppola?"

"My son wasn't violent," she muttered with a small Italian accent.

"Ms. Valentino says you've seen the bruises he had given her."

"She's a liar."

Naomi was shaking. I was shaking. I was angry. The boys were quiet, Benji had fallen asleep and Lewy was biting his bottom lip. I was so nervous about them being questioned.

There were a few more formative questions before my dad returned to his seat and his mother was allowed to leave. The DA said, to my utter surprise, "I'd like to call Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz the IV."

A bailiff came around to get Lewy. He was still tugging on his bottom lip, following the bailiff. I had told him that he'd be okay, he didn't look all that worried. He stopped shortly to wave to Naomi. I saw Naomi's head hang and then
She had let out a small sob. Lewy had frowned, but didn't say or do anything. He sat in the witness stand, sitting in a chair that had been heightened for him.

Turning my attention towards my son, I was afraid of how he must've felt. I wanted to go and get him, protect him, tell him it would be okay, but I couldn't. The bailiff had him swear on a bible and state his name. Lewy looked so grown up, almost like he wasn't afraid...maybe he wasn't, he didn't look it.

The DA walked up front, covering the sight of my son. I think he was blocking the view of Naomi. "Hi Peter, how old are you?"

"I'm 6," he said, his small filling the room.

"Now, Peter, did you like Mr. Coppola?"

I couldn't see my son and I was trying to figure if he was okay.

"Robert?" Lewy asked.

"Yes, Robert."

"No."

"How come?"

"He was mean to my mom a lot."

"Did you ever see him hit your mom?"

Lewy was quiet. Naomi was shaking. Lee's head was bowed and Amy was holding his had. My mom sighed sofly. The world seemed to stop.

"Uh-huh."

"Yes?" The DA asked snottily.

"Yes," he said quietly.

I could sense that this wasn't turning out as he had hoped it would. He was quiet for a moment before he asked, "Was Robert nice to you?"

"Sometimes."

"Did he buy you things? Take you places?"

"Yeah, sometimes."

"Was he ever mean to you?"

Lewy was quiet again, "He spanked me."

The room was quiet. The quiet was deafening.

"How many times?"

"2."

"Do you remember what happened on Valentine's Day, Peter?"

"Robert hurt my mommy. She walks funny now."

Lee inhaled sharply beside me.

"Do you know if your mom talked to Robert that day?"

"No."

"Do you know if she had any contact with Robert?"

Lewy hummed, "No."

"So, you don't know if your mom called Robert to come over?"

"I don't know."

"Peter, has your mom ever hit Robert?"

"Yeah, when he spanked me."

"Do you know if she ever hit him more than that time?"

"Uh-huh, they was on the floor one time. My mommy was smacking his face."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Does your mom have a bad temper? Does she get angry easy?"

"Sometimes."

"Has she ever hit you or your little brother, Peter?"

"No."

He sighed, turning to my dad, smirking slightly, "Your witness."

Lewy looked okay. He looked relieved in a way. I was proud of him.

"Hey...Peter," my dad had to be professional. "I'm sorry that we have to talk to you about this, but it's important okay?"

"Okay," he murmured.

"Lew--Peter...was your mom scared of Robert?"

"Yeah."

"Your mom even changed her number to keep him from calling, didn't she?"

"Yep, she had to call all her friends to tell 'em."

"Did you ever see Robert hit your mom before Valentine's Day?"

"Yeah. Lots of times, grandpa."

I bit at my lip, afraid Lew mentioning my dad as grandpa would cause any disbelief in the jury.

"Were you and your brother afraid of Robert?"

"Yes," he nodded his head.

"On Valentine's Day, what did you see Robert do?"

"He grabbed my mommy 'nd grabbed her hair 'nd cut it off. He pushed her on the floor 'nd I heard a big crackin' sound!"

I smiled slightly, he was cute and spoke animatedly.

"And then you hid?"

"Mommy told us to. But I wanted to help 'er...I was scared."

"When you went to help her, what did you see?"

"Robert was kickin' her side 'nd then he kicked her head. She was cryin' 'nd screamin'. She told me to hide, but I wanted to help."

"How did you help?"

"I jumped on Robert's back but he pushed me off. I broke my hand, it hurted."

"What happened after that?"

"He had a gun. He shot 2 times. He hit my mommy, he tried to shoot me, but my mommy pushed him 'n' he missed. He shot my mommy, 'n' the gun fell 'nd mommy grabbed it."

"What did she do with the gun?"

"She put it under here," he pointed to his chin, "she said a bad word 'nd then she shot him."

You could hear a pin drop.

"What happened then?"

Lewy looked around, then at my dad, "She told me to sit next to her. Then she made Benji call for help."

"Your mommy was scared, wasn't she?"

"Yeah," Lewy was starting to cry, "she said she was sorry to me. She said she was a bad mom, but she's not."

My dad went over to him, "Its okay, Lew. You're done, buddy."

My stomach was in knots as the bailiff escorted Lewy back over to us. Lee took Lewy into his arms and left the court room. Naomi had turned and watched, I could see her crying too.

The judge spoke up, "We'll take a 30 minute recess."

Everyone got up, exiting the courtroom. I found Lee and Lewy, Benji was asleep in my arms, holding onto my neck. I went over and rubbed Lew's back, "You okay, buddy?"

"Uh-huh," he sniffed.

Amy shook her head, "I'm taking the boys home with me. Peter says they won't questioned Benny."

My whole entire head was swelling and I felt overwhelmed. It wasn't even a minute before I heard Naomi's voice, "Lewy? Bub, c'mere."

Lee set Lewy down and he rushed to Naomi. She picked him up and held him, kissing his cheek. Lewy is half Naomi's size, but she didn't falter at all with him wrapping his legs around her torso.

"Are you alright, bubba?" She cooed softly.

"Uh-huh."

"I love you so much. You know that?"

"Yeah."

She exhaled, "I want you to go home with Amy. You and Benny both, and you both be good for us. I'll be home soon--me and daddy."

"Okay."

Naomi set him down and knelt to him, kissing his cheek, "You're amazing, Lew."

He smiled, "I want to help."

Naomi sniffed and hugged him again, "I know, bub. Thank you so much, I love you."

"I love you too, mommy."

When they parted, she stood and urged him towards Amy. She turned to me and hugged me. I asked if she was okay, "I'm okay," she replied.

Everything seemed to be in a whirlwind.