Without You, I'm Just Me

Just as everyone cheered happily around me, I shoved Kate off of me, "What the fuck?!"

Kate didn't stop, she practically jumped on me and grabbed my face. Her nails dug into the sides of my jaw, my head hit a wall, hard, and her mouth was sucking on mine. I tried so hard to push her off, her nails were hurting me and were digging in deeper. I felt like I was drowning, water filling my lungs to capacity. And then she was off me, her nails drug across my face, I felt the warmth of blood and peered around.

A man -a bouncer grabbed my arm and led me away, "Are you alright? You looked like she was sucking your soul out."

He wasn't joking, this large man was being honest. He was worried about me. I just touched my face, seeing blood under the flicking and bursts of colorful lights.

"I'm okay," I breathed. "Just kick her out, make her go home."

"Yeah sure. You need a medic? My guy Austin can help."

I shook my head, "Nah, man, thanks. I'm just gonna go. Thanks," I repeated out of nervousness.

He nodded, patted my shoulder and let me go. I looked around, seeing few eyes on me. I felt a little embarrassed, but brushed it off, making my way back to the booth.I shoved past people, forgetting to apologize and made it to Spencer just as he resumed the music.

"I'm out of here," I told him.

He spun, giving me a look, "Why? Party just started!"

"I needa go," I muttered, reaching for my bag. I thought up a lie, "One of my kids...they're sick."

"You okay, Wentz?" He questioned. "What's wrong with you face?"

I waved it off, "Its nothing. I just needa get home to my kid, Spence."

He nodded, "Alright dude. I'll check ya later."

I thanked him with a pat and hurried off with my things. I knew Spencer could handle the crowd, they were all drunk anyway, he knew what songs to play. I had to get out of there and away from that crazy bitch.

Even when I was in my car, I was scared she could've been hiding in the backseat. I white knuckled it all the way home, swallowing pill after pill, wishing they'd work faster. When I got home, I parked and sat in my car for a minute.

I could feel my mind going fuzzy, everything was spinning and I knew that something was happening. I was overdosing. I knew the feeling, I had to stop it.

I staggered out of the car, my keys fell onto the drive way, my legs nearly gave out. I began to heave, trying to make myself throw up, I hacked as hard as I could, but nothing. I stuck two fingers down my throat, finally I was successful. I threw up, holding onto the side panel of my car door, having never felt so happy to throw up before. My body was weak once I finished, I struggled to stand up, taking a moment to regain my balance.

I bent over, grabbed my keys, shut the car door and headed up to the door. I unlocked it, shut and locked it behind me and leaned against it for a moment. My mind was still spinning, my stomach felt empty and aching, and my body was so sluggish. I told myself that I couldn't sleep, but I so badly wanted to, I was afraid if I did fall asleep that I wouldn't wake up. So I dragged my ass to my kitchen and began to make coffee.

Everything spun around me.

"Pete, whadda doin'?" Andrew emerged from the living room. "What happened to your face?"

"Your girlfriend gone?" I asked him, my voice was slurred and felt like it was echoing in my ears.

"Nah, Dawn's on the couch. She heard you come in. Tell me what happened to you."

"I don't feel too good. The boys asleep?"

He nodded, "Benny tried to stay up to see the ball drop for the first time, but he clocked out at 10. Lew fell asleep at 9."

"Thanks," I didn't mean to slur, I couldn't help it, "I'm...I'm gonna go to bed."

"Pete, yo, I think you need a doctor," my brother came over to me and grabbed my arm, his eyes scanning my face, "You high?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I'm-I'm messed up, Andy."

Andrew wrapped his arm around my middle, "I'm gonna get you coffee, you're gonna sit on the couch, alright? I'll have Dawn sleep in the guest room. I'll clean up ya face too."

"I'm sorry," the words came out flat and slow. "I mean it. Bro, this isn't on purpose, I swear. You believe me? I'm not tryna kill m'self, promise you."

I was rambling, not sure what the hell I was saying. My brother nodded and helped me. I kept thanking him all the while he cleaned up my face and gave me coffee. Everything was a haze and I had fallen asleep without even realizing it.

When I woke up, I felt the familiar weight of my youngest son on my chest. My face ached but it wasn't that much of a bother. I sat up and cradled Benji to my chest momentarily, moving him beside me on the bed. He rolled onto his stomach and mumbled sleepily, I looked over at the clock behind him, it was 7AM. I rubbed my eyes and tried to remember what happened the night before.

It was all a blank, but I did remember seeing Kate. The feeling of her sharp jagged nails digging into my face had come to the surface of my mind. I could taste plastic in my mouth, vomit, and black coffee. I climbed out of bed and staggered to the door, trying to regain exactly what happened. I remembered coming home, I remembered my brother and his girlfriend helping me to bed.

I surpassed the pictures of our kids on the walls of the hallway, Lewy's 100% spelling tests and Benji's drawings. In the living room I saw my brother sitting up on the couch watching TV. "Andy," my voice came out hallow like, vacant, like it wasn't real at all to me.

Andrew looked back at me and then stood, "Hey, bro, how do you feel? I was kinda scared if you would wake up or not."

"My face hurts," I told him, still my voice was hallow.

"I got some anti-biotics from mom," he took my arm, gently, leading me to the kitchen.

I sat at the table, my head was aching, along with my face. "I feel like shit."

"You took a lot of pills last night," he told me, "how come?"

"Kate..."

"Naomi's friend?"

"Yeah. The crazy bitch was tryna get me to fuck her. I can't remember what happened, only that she scratched me."

"I think you should go to the hospital," Andrew handed me a bottle of anti-botics and Tylenol. "Those cuts look bad."

"It was her fingers," I muttered, swallowing a couple of the pills.

"You gonna tell Naomi?"

"I don't even know," I answered. "I can't even think straight."

"I'll watch after the kids today. I'll take them to mom and dad's, make some cookies and build snowmen. Hil's train is gonna arrive this afternoon, we'll pick her and Greg up."

"It's cool, Andy. I want them here with me."

"You sure?"

"You can take them for a bit, then I'll pick them up."

"You look like you need it, Pete," he patted my shoulder, "take it easy."

"I'll try."


I gave Benji a bath before Andrew was going to take him and Lewy to my folks. Benji had been on a bath strike since Christmas, so it was like trying to get a cat into a bath tub. But, today, he actually got in willingly.

"Thanks," I mumbled, mostly to myself.

"What happen to ya face, daddy?" Benji touched my scabbed cheek.

Kate's fingernails made claw like marks on both of my cheeks leading to my mouth. They burned and itched.

"A witch tried to suck out my soul. Someone killed her for me," I answered.

"Like the Little Mermaid?" He asked excitedly, and I nodded. "Did it hurt, daddy?"

"No," I smiled at him. "I'm okay."

"I'm happy ya okay," he grinned at me, just like Naomi would.

"Yeah, me too, Benny."

Benji finished his bath, I dried him off, dressed him. Lew was already dressed and ready to go. I dried Benny's hair and put his hat on, "Ready to go, bud?"

"Uh-huh," he nodded, grinning at me.

I picked him up, ready to carry him off to the living room when he put his hand to my cheek, causing me to stop, "I'm sorry, daddy."

"For my scratches?"

He hummed, "Uh-huh."

"Thank you, Benny, I'll be okay. You don't worry bout me, just have fun today."

"You gonna come too?"

"Nah, but I'll be by later, okay?"

"Okay," he kissed my cheek and hugged me.

I smiled and carried him to the living room. I let him down and watched the kids head off with Andrew and his girlfriend Dawn. I felt bad about just letting them spend time with family without me, but I needed time to think on my own, I was drowning with the thoughts of what happened the night before.

I wanted to talk to Naomi, and waiting for her to call me was torture. It was a reflex to call her phone when I wasn't feeling right, and it always dawned on me that she wouldn't answer when the automated out of service voiceover sounded. She never called on schedule, she never gave an exact time since time were erratic where she was. I had to wait hours until she called, until then, I was wondering what the hell I should do with myself. I was also remembering what happened at the club.

My thoughts were strangling me. I weighed the bars of pills in my hand, wondering. Should I take them or should I just toss them out. I needed something, a sign to tell me what to do. I was about ready to swallow them when my phone rang.

That was my sign.

"Hello?"

The automated voice informed me it was a collect call. I smiled, waiting to hear Naomi's voice. I accepted the call, hearing some clanking in the background, and then Naomi's voice, "Hey Pete."

I immediately felt tears swelling in my eyes. I haven't cried this much since I was a kid.

"Pete?" She murmured. "Babe, are you okay? Is this Pete or is this Benji?"

I must've sobbed.

"It's me," I muttered, rubbed my eyes with my sleeve. "It's me, Navy."

"What's wrong? Is everything okay? Where are the kids?"

"It's not the boys," I said quickly. "It's me. It's last night. I can't--" I stopped abruptly, my throat had closed up.

"What happened? Did you get hurt?" She sounded frantic, almost scared.

"No--yeah. I mean, I...fuck, I don't know."

"Okay, just take a breath and tell me what happened."

I took in a breath, held it and then exhaled, "Last night I was at that club, remember?"

"Yeah, of course. Was Kate there?"

It was like she already knew. I broke down and cried, managing to tell her. I let the words fall out of my mouth, letting the tears follow the trail down the corners of my lips. I wiped them away, sobbing to Naomi like a lost and wounded child, praying to heaven to help me get back home. Naomi is my home, she was wherever home was and I couldn't get to her.

By the end of it, when I managed to shut my mouth, I heard her sighing and crying, "I'm so sorry," she cried softly. "This breaks my heart."

I never missed her so much before. It was practically killing me. I wanted her so bad.

"I wasn't tryna kill myself," I told her, making sure she understood, "Please don't think I was. I just wanted it to go away. I don't know how to get it to stop, I don't know how to get her out of my goddamn head! If I could go back and never touch her--never meet her! I would! I swear I would."

Naomi sniffed and swallowed thickly, "You need to get help. You should go to the police."

Her words caused me to literally freeze on the couch.

I never thought of that, but the moment I did, I refused. It was absurd, really. What man could say, with a serious face and tone of voice that they didn't like the way a certain woman touched them? That they felt dirty from the way this woman touched them. It was a foreign way of thinking, who would even believe that?

"That's crazy," I nearly whispered.

"I know it sounds that way, Pete, but you didn't like it and this is the only way to get Kate to stop."

"Men don't do that..."

She was silent for a moment, "It's the only way."

I shook my head, I felt embarrassed even imaging it. I swallowed, "Okay."

"I'm sorry, Pete," she murmured, "I am. I wish it were different, I wish I was there to protect you, and I know that makes you sound like a sissy, but it's true, I wish I could protect you. I'd have a long hard talk with that bitch, with my fists. I'd strangle her."

I smiled, "I know you would."

"You have to tell the police. You've got evidence, she scratched you, and those bouncers will have their word."

I sighed, "Yeah, you're right."

"I don't want you to be scared and I don't want you taking pills like that. You scare me half to death, I can't be there to save you."

Forgotten tears rolled down my cheeks, "Yeah."

"Pete, will you promise me you'll go to the police?"

I swallowed, knowing full well I wouldn't. I lied, "Yes, I promise."

"I love you, baby. I love you so much and I'm sorry I can't be there like I should be."

"Don't worry about me, Navy," I assured her, "I...I'll be okay."

"I know you will, but I'm still gonna worry about you, honey."

"I love you so much."

I could feel her smile through the phone, "I love you more."


I hated myself for not taking Naomi's advice. I knew it was stupid, but I had another way of making Kate go away. I buckled down and actually went over to Babette and Chris's the next day, bringing the boys with me.

Babette was shocked when she saw me, "Whoa, what happened to you?"

"Ursula tried to steal my voice," I joked. "I brought the boys to play."

Babette smiled, "Oh, cool. They're playing in Chrissy's room. Follow me."

We followed her in, and then B led the boys down the hall to Christina's room. I stepped into the living room, seeing Kate sitting on the couch. Her dark eyes met mine, she smirked, "Well, you came to your senses, yeah?"

"No. We need to talk. Now."

She stood and waltz over to me, her hips swinging back and forth. I don't know what the hell she was trying to do, but I've seen that walk before. That walk was what Chris called the "Grenade" walk; girls that weren't that attractive using their body to get a guy to notice her.

Kate stepped in front of me, put her hand to my chest, her eyes meeting mine again, "Where to, honey?"

I grimaced, "I'm not fucking you."

"Then you're wasting our time with talking."

I took her hand and dropped it from my chest, "I'm warning you, Kate, either you stop harassing me or I'll go to the police. You'll lose your job, I know you work for the school district as a secretary."

She snarled at me, "You wouldn't."

"I would. I'm even gonna sweeten the deal for you to leave me alone," I dug into my pocket and pulled out a folded check, held it up to her, "I'll give you this money and we won't have anymore problems."