Without You, I'm Just Me

All Kate did was smirk at me, take the check from in between my fingertips. She unfolded it, "Lets see, I'm worth..." Her eyes scanned over, "Ha! 10 grand. Nice, Wentz."

"It's better than nothing," I muttered.

"I'm worth much more," she grinned maliciously, waving the check between her index and middle finger.

"You don't wanna play with me, Kate. I'm not joking."

"Neither am I."

I didn't back down. I glared at her, "I'll go to the police, show them my face, tell them how you've been following me. You don't want that, Kate. You don't want to lose your job and struggle anymore than you have to just because you want to have sex with me."

"You think I just want to have sex with you?" Her eyes narrowed.

"I think you want to ruin my life."

She giggled, "Oh, Pete, I think you know I want more than just that."

"Yeah, I do know."

She went to open her mouth, but Babette came out, interrupting her abruptly, "What the hell is going on here?"

Kate looked at her, I kept my eyes on Kate, and Babette's blue eyes darted between us. Kate smiled at B, "We're just talking, Babe."

"No, I told you about this, Katy," Babette came between us, her palm pushed Kate back. "Fucking around with him and Naomi isn't funny."

Kate smirked still, "I'm not joking around."

Babette looked at me, "What the hell is going on?"

"I want her to leave me alone," I answered her, "she did this to my face the other night."

Babette frowned, she towered over me, her manicured hand touched my cheek. She inspected my face like a mother would a child, holding my jaw in her hand. Her eyes scanned my face, then she dropped her hand, "I'm sorry."

"Look, I don't care, all I want is for her," I pointed to Kate, "to leave me the hell alone."

"Just give me what I want and we won't have any problems," Kate crossed her arms over her chest.

"What do you want, Kate?" Babette questioned her. "Haven't you done enough?"

Kate scoffed, "He knows what I want and it's none of your business, Babette."

"It is my business, because unlike you, I actually care about someone other than myself."

"Who, Naomi?" She snarled and spat her name like poison in her mouth. "She's just a stuck up wannabe model who thinks the sun shines out her ass. She's nothing but an annoying little bitch who got what she deserved."

I just watched Kate say all this. You could see the anger in her eyes and the hatred in her voice. It was eerie and sad, pathetic.

"You're jealous," I muttered absentmindedly. "That's it, you're jealous of her."

Kate just looked at me, the anger sizzling in her eyes. She shoved me, walked away without a word, taking the check with her. Babette turned to face me, "She is," her voice was quiet so Kate wouldn't hear.

"Yeah," I mumbled, "I know."

"What did you give her?" She asked shortly.

"Money. I want her to leave me alone."

Babette shook her head, "Oh God, why? Giving her money isn't going to get her to leave you alone, Pete. She's gonna come back and ask for me or make you give her what she wants-- which I don't even know what the fuck it is."

I rubbed a hand over my face, "Look, I don't want to make a big deal of this--"

"Too bad," she told me, "you just gave Kate the key to drive you nuts, Wentz."

"I was just tryna get her to think about this. To...to, I don't know, look at that money and change her mind."

"She's not gonna change her mind."

"What would you do?" I challenged her angrily. I was so frustrated.

"I'd go to the police. I love Katy, I do, but she's...she's not good. She's not taking care of herself or her little boys. It's like she and Naomi took similar paths and Naomi ended up a little better and Katy doesn't like it. She isn't gonna leave you alone until she feels like it."

Her words sunk in. The simple fact that I actually listened was that Babette wasn't Naomi, and she was being serious and giving me a hard look. I knew she meant it.

"I should go to the police," I stated.

"Yes, you should," she nodded as she spoke.

I swallowed, feeling my face grow hot. My hand threaded through my hair, "Will you watch my kids?"

Babette cracked a warm smile, "Yes, I will."

"Thank you."

"And you better cancel that check too, dumb ass. The last thing Kate needs is money to waste on herself."

I thanked her again, then I went to Lewy and Benji, telling them I'd be back. They didn't seem all that concerned, they were in an intense game of hide and seek in the play room. I kissed their heads and then left, feeling detached to myself.

Really, as I drove away, I didn't think. I didn't feel like me, and I'm not entirely sure why. It was a lot to take in and to actually do, but I felt indifferent about it.

At the police station, I sat and waited for someone to talk with me. I fiddled with my phone, looking at the lock screen. It was one of my favorite pictures of Naomi and the boys visiting Santa Claus' workshop at the mall; Benji couldn't have been more than 2 when the picture was taken, he was a little guy. Naomi had him on her lap, his arms were thrown up with a happy, surprised look on his face, Lewy was sitting on the arm of the chair, grinning with his head tilted back. Lew looked the same, just a little smaller than he is now, but Benji looked so tiny, like he was a baby, but I knew it was just before his 3rd birthday, before all this mess, because Naomi had sent me a copy that said, on the back; Benjamin's terrible twos, he wouldn't take the picture unless I was in it too. Sorry.

I remember hiding the picture from Ashlee, keeping it hidden in my desk in my office. I would take it out when I felt like hell or when I missed them. I get to look at it all the time now, especially when I missed Naomi.

And just like that, my phone began to ring. I knew it was her, I just had a feeling. I answered, listening to the automated voice. I accepted the call and waited to hear her voice, "Naomi."

"Pete, how are you today?"

"I'm better. I'm at the police station right now."

"Thank you for keeping your promise."

I nodded to myself, "I had to...the boys are with Babette and her kids. Being there made me...made me want to do it more."

I felt like an asshole for lying to her. I could've told the truth, but I didn't want to. I didn't want Naomi to be mad at me.

"You feel better, babe?" She asked softly.

"Yeah, I do. How are you?"

She gave a sigh, "I'm meeting your dad tomorrow...Talia's little lawsuit is in March and I'm gonna try and settle out of court."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No, no, I've got it under control. I'm gonna be in the poor house after she takes me for all I've got and then some, but I'll be okay. I want to put this all behind me."

"Yeah, we need to start over."

"There's something else I need to tell you too..." She trailed softly.

"Is it bad?"

"I don't even know," Naomi exhaled. "I think they're gonna move me to another prison. The guards are telling everyone it's overcrowded. The cell I'm in is costumed for 3 people, comfortably, but they're 5 of us in here."

I sighed, "Fuck. Do you think it'll be far?"

"I don't even know. They said they were moving inmates out that have less time to another prison, that's it."

"I hope you don't go out of state or something."

Before Naomi could say anything a male officer approached me, "You're the one who wanted to file a complaint?"

I nodded, "Can you give me just a second?"

He gave me a nod back and walked away. Naomi spoke up, "You have to go?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna file my order against Kate."

"Okay, I love you, I'm gonna call my parents. I'll try and call later if these idiots don't hog the phone."

"I'm sorry I have to go."

"It's okay."

"I love you."

She giggled, "I love you too, Pete. Good luck."

"Thanks Babe."

We hung up, and within an instant it all dawned in me exactly what I was doing. I swallowed and approached the officer, I felt some relief, some encouragement after talking to Naomi.

"I just have a few questions," Officer Brady informed me, "I need your full name, and the name of the person you're getting this restraining order against and what kind."

I bit at my lip, my face growing hot, "The order is against Kate Gutierrez...for...sexual harassment."


It was embarrassing for my ego, but I didn't let it show. The officer didn't laugh or anything, he was actually supportive. I was sure he'd make a joke or something, but he didn't.

All I had to do now was wait for them to serve Kate with the papers and the order would be in effect. She comes within 100 feet of my house I can call the cops and she'll be head off to jail. I never felt so relieved since this all happened, and I thanked Babette immensely when I went to pick up the boys.

I was so fucking happy to see my kids, I didn't feel all uptight and freaked out anymore. But, I did still feel a little on edge when I was at Babette and Chris' house. After I left though, with my kids, I was a million times better.

At home I went nuts with my kids. I played with them, I let Benji tackle me all he wanted, and then I let Lewy paint my face. We were having fun and that's all I cared about. And for the first time in weeks I didn't need to swallow the pills, I didn't need to get rid of the fear and the anxiety.

The only thing I was upset about was not knowing what was going on with Naomi. I was afraid she'd be going away, I was afraid the next 4 months would be torture and hard to get through. All I wanted was her reassurance and for her to kiss me, tell me everything would be okay.


That night I put the kids to bed, they were slowly starting to sleep in their own rooms. Lewy transitioned easily, Benji will always be the hardest, and I was okay with that. Some nights he slept in his bed, other nights he slept with me, sleeping in Naomi's spot.

Benji went to my bedroom with his stuffed teddy bear while I made sure Lewy was ready for bed. He was reading a book, Rainbow Fish, and looked up at me when I came in.

"You brush your teeth, Lew?"

"Yeah," he shut the book.

"Alright, you need anything?"

He shook his head, "No."

I tucked him in, "Sure?"

"Uh-huh."

I kissed the top of his head, stood and turned on his nightlight. I prepared to leave when he called out to me, "Wait, dad."

I turned back, my hand slipping from the doorknob, "What's up?"

"C'mere," he waved his small hand over to me.

I chuckled softly and returned to his bed, "Yeah?"

"Is mommy okay?"

I nodded, "Mommy's great, Lew. Why do you ask?"

"I miss 'er 'no I'm worried 'bout 'er."

I brushed his hair back with my hand, getting his messy hair out of his face, "Mommy's fine, bud. She's okay, she just misses you, but other than that she happy. She's learning stuff like you, remember? She's learning how to talk with her hands."

He smiled widely, "Yeah, I 'member."

"Don't worry, alright? Mom's fine, she's gonna call you tomorrow, so she'll be able to tell you how she is."

"That's good," he said with a yawn. "Night daddy."

I stood, making sure his blanket covered him completely, "Night buddy."

I shut the door over and headed to my bedroom. Benji was sitting on the bed humming with his cartoon slippers on while he played with my iPad. "Hey, time for bed, lets go brush your teeth."

"Aw," he whined, "I don't wanna."

I picked him up, setting the iPad on the bed, "Too bad."

Benji pouted at me while I carried him to the bathroom. I set him on his and Lewy's step stool and helped him get his toothbrush with toothpaste. I brushed my teeth with him so he would actually do it without whining at me.

After we finished, I cleaned his face and carried him back to the room. I told him he had to sleep, no more iPad, he didn't fight me, yawned and agreed. I got into bed and let him lie on me like he usually does and rubbed his back, listening to him breathe. I kept the light on for him, he was afraid of the dark and couldn't fall asleep unless it was on. He began to ask me questions and I answered them; funny little questions that he thought were important to him.

He usually asked me about planets and stars. It's his favorite thing. Tonight, he asked me about Naomi; he asked if I've known her forever and I answered, "Yeah, I have."

"She always been pretty like now?"

I could only smile, "Yeah, she has, Benny."

He yawned, "Mommy's really pretty."

"I know."

"I can't wait ta see her," he snuggled against my chest.

I patted his back, "Same here Benny Boy."