Without You, I'm Just Me

All night I could only think about is what the new record would bring. What it will sound like. What were me, Patrick, Andy and Joe gonna come up with. What will the kids say? Would they even want us back?

That's what hits me.

What if no one cares that we're off hiatus? What if that big fan base we had was gone? Do we even matter? Are we has-beens? What if we don't like it? What if the kids don't like it? What if no one likes it?

My stomach gets all twisted while I think that, and I snuggled up to Naomi. She hugged me back, wrapping her arms around me and sleepily nuzzling her face into my chest. For a minute all of it is gone; I kissed the top of Naomi's head and shut my eyes, falling asleep again.

Me and Joe had talked a little about it all. The things he wanted to do and what I had come up with. The whole thing was awesome and went by quick; Joe said he'd fly down and visit and we could practice and see where we were. That was exciting and I couldn't wait. I was itching to do this, even with the doubts filling the back of my head.

After that short little scare I got, and after I had fell asleep, I was woken up by loud laughing and jumping on the bed. I rolled over and saw Benji jumping up and down, "Wakey, wakey! Eggs 'n' bakey!"

I smiled tiredly, "What're you doing?"

"Wakin' you up, daddy!" He continued to jump.

I sat up and swooped him into my arms, "You woke me up!"

He giggled, "You sleep too much!"

"It's cuz I'm old," I yawned.

"Mommy is takin' us to see a fash'n show," he wiggled out of my grip and jumped again. "You can't go."

"Why not?"

"Cuz, you. Was. A. Sleep," he pronounced each word as he jumped.

I laughed and pushed the blankets away, "Where's mom?"

"Eatin'."

I grabbed a hold of him again, carrying him to the dining area. He laughed loudly and held onto me. We got to the dining area; Naomi was picking at some fruit while checking her phone and Lew was eating waffles; "Dad, the hotel don't make pancakes! Can you believe that?" He spoke with his mouth half full.

"Lew, don't talk with your mouth full, it's gross," Naomi didn't even look up from her phone. "Pete, sit down and eat."

I laughed and sat with Benji in my lap, "Why are you glued to your phone?"

"I'm trying to see where the first show is," she looked up then, "you wanna go? You gotta rush."

"Yeah," I set Benji down in the seat next to mine, "I just gotta brush my teeth and get dressed."

"You should eat," she told me.

I took a waffle from Benji's plate and bit it, "There."

Benji pouted at me while Naomi and Lewy laughed, "Go get dressed," she said.


Me, Benji and Lewy stood at one end of a pink velvet carpet watching Naomi. People called her name and asked her questions; I knew exactly what that was like. I would be anxious and overwhelmed, but Naomi looked like she was enjoying it, like she knew what she was doing.

She posed and then she waved us over. Benji ran over to her side and she smiled, waving still; I didn't move for some reason. Lewy ran over and went to her other side, Naomi kept looking and mouthed for me to come over, but I shook my head. I didn't know why I didn't want to over go, I just didn't. Maybe it was because I didn't want to steal her shine from her, because I knew as soon as I would be involved, all the attention on Naomi would shoot to me, so I stood back, watching her smile and pose.

Naomi and the boys finally reached me, she took my hand and leaned in to my ear, "Is somethin' wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nah, I just wanted to watch you."

She smiled and kissed my cheek, "You're too cute."

I smiled back at her and let her lead the way, while holding Lewy's hand.


Naomi was being interviewed left and right. Mia had been there and was pulling her around to this person and that person. Naomi had left me and the boys by ourselves, but we didn't mind, there was cupcakes, so we went wild while she was off.

We each got one and sat by the buffet that had a chocolate fountain; Benji gawked at it, "Daddy, I wanna stick muh head in there!"

I shook my head, "No way."

"Please?" He pouted up at me with pink frosting on his mouth and nose. "I wanna do it for one whole second!"

"No, everyone will get mad," I chuckled.

"But it's muh dream to stick muh face in that!"

I smiled, "When did it become your dream to stick your head in chocolate?"

"When I saw it!" He exasperated.

I ruffled his hair, "Another time."

Me and the boys watched everyone and talked; no one approached and I was happy about that. I never want attention on me that'll distract from my kids. I was happy being no one with everyone around.

Finally Naomi came back, exhaling and pushing her hair to one side, "Oh my gosh, I am tired. My mouth hurts from talking, let's go eat."

Benji was right at Naomi's side, me and Lew followed them; still, as we exited, people stopped Naomi to take her picture and ask her questions. They'd ask about the boys and then me, and Naomi would hurry and answer, then we would move on. By the time we caught a taxi, she looked overly exhausted, so were the boys.

We got to the hotel and went down the block to get some food at this restaurant that was kid friendly. We sat down and Naomi took her heels off, "My feet actually ache."

Benji tapped her arm "Mommy, guess what we saw!"

"What did you see, babe?" She leaned towards him.

"A chocolate waterfall," his eyes lit up, "can we get one?"

Naomi smiled, "Maybe, if you behave."

"I wanted ta stick muh head in it, but daddy wouldn't let me."

Naomi laughed, "Then you'd be all sticky."

"So?"

Naomi smiled and then looked at me, "Well, he got me there."

I smiled back at her, "You have fun?"

"Yeah, it's always fun. I got offered to model next year at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. I get wings," she spoke excitedly.

"That's awesome."

"And when we get back home, I'm gonna do the Oprah interview," she looked down now, "I'm really nervous. Mia just sprung it up on me, she'll be at our house a few days after we get back."

"What're you nervous about?"

She bit her bottom lip, "Talking about everything...and meeting Oprah," she gave a small laugh. "It's nerve wrecking, what if I say the wrong thing, or people just think of me as a ruthless killer?"

"They didn't go through that shit," I took her hand in mine, "you and the boys did. What other people think don't matter, Navy."

She smiled again, "Thanks, Pete. I feel a little better."

I leaned over and kissed her cheek, "You're welcome, baby."


The rest of the trip was fast and filled with Naomi all over the net and on TV. She was the star guest, next to the highest praised designers. Me and the boys just hung by, they were in awe of it all.

By the end of the trip, she had another suitcase full of clothes and shoes. She was exhausted and, after saying goodbye to Joe and Marie, we got on the plane, where she slept the entire flight. I was tempted to carry her off when we landed, but she woke up when we were getting off.

Naomi was in full mom mode when it came to the paparazzi; she kept the boys at her side and maneuvered around them. I followed her, pulling our bags on a cart. We got to the car and piled in, all of us were tired, except for Benji; he can sleep or nap for a little while and then be full of energy. Naomi was the same way, so she drove and then put the boys down for a nap once we got home. Then, she unpacked, which amazed me, it was crazy how much she could do and not be tired.

"Is there anything you need washed?" She asked me while going through the boys clothes.

"Nah, I'm good."

Naomi left the room and I was left there wanting her to come back and slow down. I went after her, after a minute, and found her in the laundry room, it's beside the kitchen, behind a door. I could hear the washing machine running inside and opened the door; Naomi was just standing there, looking up, her back turned to me, "Navy?"

She sniffed, but didn't turn around, "Yeah?"

I felt concerned then, "What's wrong? You cryin'?"

Naomi turned to look at me, her eyes were puffy and a dull red, so was her nose, and her cheeks were turning pink, "Yeah."

"Why?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I...everything is okay, I just feel like crying. I don't know if it's good or bad."

I stepped to her and wrapped my arms around her, "What're you feeling?"

She shrugged again, in my arms, "I don't know. I really don't. I...I think I'm overwhelmed, but my brain doesn't understand."

I rubbed her back, "Baby, I think you need to rest. We just spent a week in New York, you did interviews and you wore heels the entire time."

She laughed as I pulled back to look at her, "Will you lay with me?"

"Yeah, a'course."

Naomi sniffed again, letting me lead the way out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Me and her took off our shoes and pants, then climbed onto the bed, pulling just the cool sheet over us. Naomi half straddled me, her body was lying on top of mine with her cheek against my chest, her hair tickling the underside of my chin.

"I love you so much," she murmured.

"I love you, too, Navy," I kissed the top of her head. "How did I get so lucky?"

"By being sweet and persistent."

I smiled and rubbed her back, then let my hand play with the soft cotton elastic of her famous underwear. She moaned softly, "That feels nice."

"Does it? Tell me when you want me to stop."

She traced these invisible patterns on my shoulder while she laid on me, while my hand ran back and forth on the small of her back. The two of us were quiet and in total bliss, I swear it was like heaven being here with her like this. There wasn't anything more I could ask for.

"I need to tell you something," she mumbled.

"Yeah?"

She took a minute, causing me to wonder what was wrong. I wasn't afraid, I was curious. I paused my movements to hear what she had to say.

"I had a bad dream on the plane," she began, "I dreamt you and Patrick were flying together and something bad happened. The plane didn't crash...I think someone had a knife and hurt you guys, I can't remember. But I remember that you were hurt and I got scared; I woke up on the plane, wondering if it was happening then..."

I rubbed her back again, "Navy, nothing's ever gonna happen to me."

"It was so real and it scared me," she looked up at me, "I...I was down on the ground and couldn't reach you. I was so scared," her tears swelled up and she began to cry, "that's why I'm crying, Pete. I got so scared, and then it hit me that one day you won't be here and I won't be here...I'm afraid to die, more than I've ever been."

I sat up with her, pulling her into my lap and wrapping my arms around her, "Naomi, it's okay...that's not gonna happen for a long time. Me and you're healthy, we aren't suicidal no more, we don't drink and pop pills neither. We'll be okay."

"I'm just scared, that's all," she sniffed and rubbed her eyes, "I don't think I could really live without you."

Naomi looked so tiny there with me, like she was a little kid. She was so vulnerable and sad, and I didn't know what to say or do to make her feel better. What she was saying was the truth, but it was rare that I thought about dying anymore, I didn't want to die, not unless I had nothing left -I have a lot left, more than enough for me to live forever. And I couldn't imagine living without her either, even if we weren't together, there wouldn't be a point to my life if she wasn't just a little tiny bit a part of my life; as my friend or as my kids' mom, or as my wife, there'd be no me without Naomi. I refused to think about that, not like how I used to.

"I couldn't live without you either," I whispered against her ear. "Without you, there is no me."

I know that it was cheesy, but I mean them. The saying came along one day when I was by myself and I was thinking about her. In one of my old journals, I wrote it a million times, in various ways.

Without Naomi there is no Pete
Without her there is no me
Without her in my life there's no life to live
There's no reason for my heart to keep beating
Without you there is no me

Naomi held me tightly, and kissed my lips, softly. We kissed. We stayed close to each other, holding and gripping each other's skin. I broke away to kiss her skin, to show her that I meant it, and I'll always mean it. I kissed her neck, then down her chest, where I pushed her button up, up over her chest, and moved down her stomach.

She is all I need and all I want. I want to choke and get sick off of her. I want to spend every minute, every millisecond of my life with her. Without her I'm just a poor excuse for a human being. I'm nothing without Naomi, and she knows it, and she embraces it.

I got down to her pelvis and sat up on my knees to undress her, along with myself. She unbutton her shirt and pushed it away, then she unhooked the front hook of her lacy black bra and exposed herself to me, her hands reaching out for me. I pulled my shirt off and then got off the bed, remembering to lock the door, and then I rushed back, moving between her legs.

I pushed Naomi back gently, "Relax, lemme do this."

She bit down on her bottom lip and nodded. I moved my hands to her hips, taking ahold of her black panties and pulled them down her thighs, slowly, then off her legs. Naomi's legs opened for me, and I moved further in between them, my hand slipped between her inner thighs to touch her. I groaned to myself, feeling nearly rock hard at how wet she already was. I grabbed her hips and pulled her body closer to mine and quickly found her mouth, then I kissed her hard.

Naomi tugged at my hair, then her nails raked down, down my spine, causing me to hiss. Nothing she did deterred or stopped me, I wanted her in the worst way, I wanted to love her until I couldn't move. I kept my mouth on her's while I struggled to pull my briefs down; Naomi broke away, and sighed, "We have to get a condom, pull 'em off while I get it."

Like that, she rolled away and went to the drawer beside the bed. I shoved my briefs off and pulled her right back to me. She giggled and kissed me lightly; I pushed her back again, kneeling down to her body and kissing the valley of her breasts. She sighed and wiggled against my hips, "Torture."

I laughed and nipped at her skin with my teeth; I ran my hand up and down her chest, slipping my hand over her breast, and knead it, tugging and rolling her hardened nipple between my fingers. She giggled even more, but deeper, "You're gonna kill--"

She stopped herself, groaning when I slipped two fingers inside of her. Her back arched as she groaned again and tightened her legs around my waist. I worked my fingers, while leaning up to kiss her, building her up, feeling her body tighten and rock against mine.

"I hate this," she moaned out, "just fuck me."

I took the condom from her, placed it between my teeth and ripped it open. I spat out the foil end and then slipped my fingers away from her; she sighed frustratedly. I slipped the condom on and kissed her, catching her off guard, causing her lips to turn up against mine. I used my hand to shove one of her legs to the side and entered her hard; she broke away and cried out. I pulled her leg up, placing it on my shoulder, to which she to grin wickedly at me.

I rocked into her slowly, reaching out to caress her breast, rolling my thumb over her nipple repeatedly. Naomi shut her eyes, bottom lip caught between her teeth, as she groaned and arched her back higher. I grabbed her hips, letting her leg down, and began to thrust into her, closing my own eyes. I hovered over her, propping up on my elbows, and brought her into a kiss, moving my hips in motion with hers. Her arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me closer to her, the both of us groaning and moaning louder.

Naomi broke away and pushed me back forcefully; I rolled onto my side and then my back. She was on top and straddled me with ease, placing her palms flat against my chest; she looked at me and smiled real soft at me, "I love you," she purred, "you're perfect."

I shook my head, sighing deeply when she began to roll her hips, "You're fucking perfect, baby."

Naomi continuously bit down on her bottom lip, rolling her hips in way that made me harder than I've ever been. Everything about her in that moment turned me on, more than usual. Her skin, scars and tattoos were making me dizzy; even her touch and scent was driving me over the edge.

I threw my head back against the pillows, moaning uncontrollably, letting her take subtle control of me. My toes curled and I was ready to explode at any moment, the way she felt, everything about her was killing me. I looked at her, watching her bounce now, her hand between her legs and the other grabbing a hold of my hand and interlacing our fingers.

"Fuck, you're beautiful," I whispered.

Naomi's mouth opened, her head thrown back, getting off, using me like I was nothing. It turned me on, I wanted it like this all the time. I touched her, pushing her hand away, and she looked at me; her dark brown eyes caught fire in mine. We locked eyes, continuing on, fucking each other like we hadn't before. My orgasm was gonna hit me like it never had before and I knew it; keeping our eyes focused on one another intensified it.

Before I could even comprehend the feeling, I came hard, my toes curling hard and my fingers working Naomi into a frenzy of her own. She cried out, nearly screaming my name; I had a feeling we woke up the boys, but I didn't think about it that long. Her muscles tightened, clamped down on me, making it so much fucking better as we rocking our hips in unison. She pulled my hand away and laid on my chest, breathing heavily, "I think I woke the boys up."

I exhaled deeply, "Fuckin' worth it," my words came out broken.

Naomi giggled, "Did I wear you out?"

"Yeah, you did," I caught my breath, "fuck, I'm old."

"You're just outta shape."

I laughed, "Teach me your ways."

She kissed my chest repeatedly, "Sure thing, baby."