More Than Words

The next time I woke up, it was to a hand squeezing mine. I’d fallen asleep in the chair next to Nick’s bed, my hand holding his tightly.

“Ellory?”

I opened my eyes at the soft voice saying my name. “Hey.” I said, sitting up and immediately going into bedside mode when I remembered where I was. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.” he said quietly. He looked as if he was expecting me to yell at him. “My head hurts a bit, but I’m pretty sure that’s from the fall.”

“Yeah.” I said. “I told you, you should have let me get the books. You never listen.” I smiled sadly down at him.

“I know.” he said. “It’s part of my charm.”

I looked down at our hands and saw how pale his looked in comparison to mine. It didn’t seem to matter much until now.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “When I told you about my mom. Why would you keep something like that from me? I’m a big boy; I can handle it.”

“I didn’t want you to have to handle it.” he said. “Ever since I was diagnosed, my life was cancer. I couldn’t get away from it. All everyone ever saw in me was the leukemia. I’d been in remission for 6 months when I walked into the shop. I wanted to get away from it all for once.”

“Cancer doesn’t just go away. Have you been keeping up with your check ups?”

He looked down at his hands guiltily.

“Nick.” I said, not reprimanding him exactly. Just… expressing my disappointment.

“It would probably be easier if I started from the beginning.” he said.

“Okay. Are you sure you’re up to it? If you need to rest beforehand, that’s fine. I can ask Carly to open up the shop tomorrow and I’ll stay the night.”

“I’m fine, El.” he said. “I’ve had worse.”

I nodded and moved my other hand to hold his as well.

“Whenever you’re ready, then.” I said, looking him in the eye.

He sighed, and began to speak.

“I was diagnosed with leukemia a month after my 15th birthday. I was able to stay in school and just get a tutor for the days I was in the hospital back then. I planned my chemo appointments around breaks so I could have time to recuperate.

“By the end of my sophomore year, I was in remission for the first time since my diagnosis. I’d had a few marrow transplants, and my hair had fallen out, but I was healthy. I was getting better. For a while. I was able to live like anyone else, but in May of my junior year, 3 weeks before finals.

“After that, it was an uphill battle, and I was almost never in school for senior year. It was a little better in college. I could almost always get to class, and when I couldn’t I always finished assignments. I got my bachelor’s and within the same month of my graduation, I went into remission again. This time, it seemed to stick. I stayed in Houston for 3 months, and when I had gotten the all-clear at 3 months, I decided I wanted to travel.

"I went on a road trip up from Houston to New York City. I spent 3 days in the city, because I thought it would make me feel alive again. I don’t know. I was incredibly grateful to be alive, but… I felt empty. I didn’t have a lot of time to befriend people in the hospital, and the only people I really ever spoke to were my parents. So I kept driving. And then I ended up here, with you, and I finally felt alive again. Something about you and this town… You made me feel whole again, and I couldn’t go back to the broken life I had before. I couldn’t. So I didn’t tell you about the cancer.”

I sat still for a moment, just taking it all in. “Did you know it was coming back?” I said after a long silence. “I mean, could you feel yourself getting sick?”

He looked down at his hospital gown, obviously not wanting to meet my eye.

“Nick, you know you’re sick. You knew what would happen if you ignored it.”

“I know, Ellory.” he said. “I just didn’t want to make you worry.”

“Nick, I know how to deal with this stuff. I’ve been through it before.”

“But you should have to go through it again.” he said, looking at me sadly and cupping my cheek. “You’ve already had to watch someone die once.”

“Nick- stop.” I said. “Just stop. I love you, okay? I may not have said it out loud before now, but I am now and it's not just because you might not live much longer. It’s because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’m not going to give up on us just because you’re sick. I refuse. You are more than your cancer. You brought so much into my life. Before you came into the shop, I was so alone, and I didn’t even realize it. I owe you so much, and I can’t go back to how I was without you. So I’m staying, okay? I’m staying with you. We can get through this together.”

He looked up at me and smiled sadly. “I love you, too.” he said.

But there was something in his tone that told me that love just… wouldn’t be enough this time.