This Hell or the Next?

I remember it all too clearly. I broke you… I broke myself…

We walked down the sidewalk, your slender fingers linked between mine. Your eyes matched the sky. It was a perfect New Jersey day; only a few white, puffy clouds blew around with the wind in the grey-blue sky. The leaves had begun to fall and were blown around by the same wind, a cold wind. I loved autumn… I loved you… I was in my own fairytale.

I felt you shiver. Your hoodie was not enough to keep you warm. I had tried to get you to wear something else. But you swore you’d be fine. I worried you would catch pneumonia again. Without asking, I pulled off my leather jacket and wrapped it around your small frame, threading your arms through each sleeve. You smiled at me a gorgeous, crooked smile. Your face… it was always perfect.

“Where are we going?” your innocent voice asked.

“Where would you like to go?”

“Anywhere out of this piercing wind,” you replied.

“The mall is just around the corner. You wanna go there?”

You just nodded your beautiful head. A few strands of your silky, dark hair fell down into your face. I brushed them back over your perfectly formed ear with a finger.

We walked the short distance in silence. The warmth of your inked fingers was enough to warm my whole body. You were mine… forever. We were young, our whole lives still ahead of us.

We made it to into the mall, and you began to giggle. I knew what you wanted to do; it was always the first place you went in the mall. We rode the first elevator up to the second floor, and after walking almost half way across the mall, we took the second one back down to the first floor. Only a few yards in front of us laid our destination. The trip was always the same path; your contagious childishness made sure of that. I couldn’t resist your best puppy eyes, but by then, you didn’t even have to give them to me anymore. I gave-in too easily to you.

We made it to the water fountain, and you dug into your pocket for a few loose coins. You handed me a couple then started to your usual ritual. You held a coin between the tips of your satin fingers, closed your eyes, and muttered a few inaudible words. After all the time we had been together, I didn’t have to hear you to know what you were wishing for. You always wished for the same three things.

Peace. You wished for us to live peacefully with each other and to not let the world’s skewed views interfere with our life together.

Happiness. You wished for us to always live life to the fullest and always be happy. You always wanted to live life like it was our last day.

And love. You wished for our life to always be filled with the love we had for each other right then.

You would kiss the coin after each wish and toss it into the water before making the next wish. After our trip to the fountain, it never really matter to you what we did then. This particular day, we wondered aimlessly around the different stores. The stores were having tons of clearance sales, trying to minimize inventory before the masses of holiday merchandise came in.

At that moment, our perfect world, our perfect life, our perfect day… it had all started crumbling apart, and we were completely unaware of it. It wasn’t until we heard the commotion outside the department store we were in that we began to notice. That’s when I spotted them. Vampires. A few already had bloody faces. They had come there to feed.

I grabbed your arm and drug you behind me. I needed to find a place for us to hide until they were finished. I found an unlocked utility closet. I threw open the door and pushed you inside, following closely behind you. I pulled the door closed and flipped the knob that latched the bolt lock. ‘Surely,’ I thought, ‘this will keep us safe long enough.’ I was so wrong.

We had cuddled up on the floor together in the corner of the small room. I had wrapped my arms around you in a pathetic attempt to make myself believe I could keep you safe. There was loud thud against the door. Then, before I knew what had happened, the door was gone… and so were you. The vampire had you locked in its tight grip and bit the flawless skin on the side of your neck. I could hear you whimpering from under its hand over your mouth. I knew I couldn’t kill it, but I could sure as hell give us an opportunity.

I pulled my magnum from my back and put it to the side of the thing’s head. Without hesitation, I squeezed the trigger. The bullet ripped through its flesh, bone, and brain matter, splattering it everywhere, and it fell to the floor, dropping you to the floor as well. I knew it wouldn’t stay down for long, so I scooped you up in my arms and ran as fast and as far as I could carry you. Getting out of the mall was the hardest part… or so I thought. I had to stop and hide a couple of times for a moment, allowing one or two to go by. They seemed to not notice me, which was odd. As I approached the entrance of the mall, one last vampire tried to get us. I again utilized my magnum. More flesh, blood, and brain matter flew through the air.

I burst through the glass door, your whimpering form still in my arms. I could hear you mumbling something, but through my running, I couldn’t understand you. I found a clearing far enough away from the mall to keep us safe and awkwardly got us down onto the ground, never letting go of you and actually pulling you closer to me. I never wanted to let you go.

Your crimson life was covering us both, and people walked by on the sidewalk. The world was still revolving; life was moving on. But no seemed to notice us. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I couldn’t think of what needed to be done… not now… now yet.

“Aren’t the stars beautiful?” you asked not quite sounding yourself. But there are no stars; the sun had only begun to set.

“Yeah, Baby,” I breathed soothingly through my sobs.

I could feel the weight of my magnum in the back of my waistband. Part of me knew what had to be done. Part of me wanted to believe it didn’t have to be done. I ran my hand over your pallid, porcelain cheek. You seemed to be looking through me, tears flowing then silently from your red rimmed and stained eyes.

“I… love… you…” you gargled out through the pain in your throat.

“No, Sugar. Baby, please don’t! Don’t say your goodbyes to me!” I pleaded with you. I couldn’t do what I knew needed to be done with your professing your love for me.

But I couldn’t escape reality… you were turning. The bite on your neck was evidence of that. I couldn’t let you join the ranks of them. You would never stand for that. But how could I condemn you to die?

Suddenly images of our life, your life played in my head: your soft laughter, your love of animals, your devotion to the church even after they shunned you for your homosexuality, your generous spirit and gentle nature.

I had to kill you… to save you!

I drew you closer with one arm as my other hand slowly reached for my magnum. I placed the barrel to your chest over your perfect heart, swallowing hard as I did. Tears again freely flowed down my cheeks. People continued walking by, unphased at the dramatic scene that was unfolding in that field before them. Did they truly not care or did they just not want to be involved?

I didn’t have it in me to put the barrel to your temple. I just couldn’t destroy your perfect face, even though the rose of your cheeks had long since faded. Knowing I had to pull the trigger wasn’t made easier by the knowledge of what would have happened if I didn’t.

“Now… do it now…” you begged. I wasn’t aware you had a clue what I was about to do to you. You continued to stare through me, your silent tears glistening on your cheeks. “I will always love you. I will love you in spite of this,” you whispered, eerily calm.

How? How was I supposed end the life of such a flawless being, such a beautiful person? But you were no longer going to be that person soon. I had to save you!

I placed my lips to yours in a sloppy kiss one last time.

“I’m sorry. I love you,” I breathed against your soft lips, and then I squeezed the trigger. Your body jerked violently in my arms, and a reflection of what was once your beautiful light seemed to fill your eyes as the vampire’s venom leaked onto the ground.

Hell could not contain you. Heaven isn’t grand enough for you.

But me? Without you, I am just a shell of a man lying here in our bed.