I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Frank’s P.O.V

I grabbed the two cups of coffee and went in the living room where I last left Gerard. He was sitting on the love seat and was bouncing his knee up and down nervously. Sweet Pea was sitting next to him, just wagging her tail and starring up at him like he was just stunning to look at. But I didn’t blame her.

“Here’s your coffee Gerard.” I told him as I sat his coffee mug down on the table in front of him. He smiled at me appreciatively and picked it up to bring it to his mouth.

“So, how have things been going on for you?” I asked him, trying to forget everything that Mikey had said in Gerard’s garage earlier. I couldn’t help but think that it was my entire fault.

Gerard sat his coffee mug down on the table and looked over at me, regret clear in his features. That’s when I looked at him. I mean really looked at him. His hazel eyes had bags underneath them; his once smooth and kissable lips were now chapped. He looked skinny, too skinny for that matter. His cheekbones stood out prominently under his cheeks. He didn’t look like the Gerard Way I remembered from high school.

“Not too good Frank. Not to good.” He told me with a frown and a sigh. He picked up his packet of cigarettes and took a stick out of it. He brought it to his mouth and lit it up.

“What happened?” I asked him as I sat next to him and took a sip out of my coffee. I put it down when Gerard passed me a cig. I took a long drag as I awaited his answer.

“Well Frank, its pretty much the same as what Mikey said. I got addicted to drugs and alcohol, and I am suffering through depression. But don’t worry about it. It will get better soon.” He told me, taking a drag out of his cigarette.

I looked over at him and frowned to my self. I did this to him. I was only trying to help him, but in the process I only hurt him more. I should have just never left Gerard in the first place. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t of left Gerard. I blame myself for everything that has happened to Gerard in the past five years I was gone. He helped me so much, and in return I left him. I left him to go through all of this by his self. He needed me there, and I failed him.

“It was because of me.” I stated instead of asked. I looked down at my converse shoes and put my head in my hands, trying to hide from Gerard the fact that I was about to cry.

“No, it wasn’t-“ Gerard began to say but I cut him off with a raise of my hand. I looked up at him, his expression clearly showing that he was confused with my actions.

“I don’t want you to lie to me Gerard. I know that I am the one that caused this. I left you with this stupid little letter and a measly goodbye. I could have called you, or I could have visited you or write to you, but I didn’t. I left you all alone and I didn’t even think about the consequences.” I told him, the tears beginning to fall down my cheeks freely. I wiped them away before he would notice them too much.

He looked over at me; his expression was remorseful, like he felt bad for me. I didn’t want him to; I deserved everything that I was feeling right now. I felt crushed, guilty, appalling, and I felt like I failed him. The way he looked at me like it was fine, made me feel even worse.

“That letter made it a lot better.” Gerard began as he went and sat closer to me. He began to rub small circles on my back as he spoke. “Every time that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore, any time that I wanted to give up, I looked at that letter. I read it and it took me back to high school. The way that you made me feel, the way that I remembered you as that amazing little weirdo that I fell in love with.” He murmured, laying his head down on my shoulder.

I couldn’t help but feel my cheeks go red hot, and my whole body quake with excitement. I missed this so much, just being able to sit here and just touch Gerard left me wanting so much more. Then, I thought back to everything that he said. One sentence was more prominent than the others. ‘The way that you made me feel, the way that I remembered you as that amazing little weirdo that I fell in love with.’ Gerard was in love with me?

“You… loved… me?” I whispered to him, not really sure if I heard him right or not. I felt him nod against my shoulder and I felt my heart skip a beat.

“I still do.” He whispered to me, so quiet that I didn’t know if I was suppose to hear it or not.

“I love you, Gerard.” I spoke loudly to him, my voice almost shaking in the process to get those words out. I meant it too. I have never meant those words as much as I did right now.

I felt Gerard tense beside me, like he just completely froze at my words. I didn’t know if right then was the best time to say it, but I wasn’t regretting it. I heard Gerard’s breathing quicken beside me and his heart rate speed up. He removed his head from my shoulder and I looked over at him. Tears glistened in the corners of his eyes as they threatened to fall.

“When you left me, and I watched your car drive away with you, I felt something overcome me. I didn’t know what I was feeling was actually that strong, but when I watched you drive away, I realized something. I realized that I had fallen head over heels in love with you and there was no way that you would ever find out. I was too late to tell you then.” He whispered, his eyes capturing mine. “I didn’t think that I would ever be able to tell you.” He said as he closed his eyes and took in a deep, comforting breath.

“I love you, Frank.” Then, the words that I have been wanting to hear for so long left his lips and I felt complete. It is the most amazing feeling that I have ever felt before.

I was completely speechless, and Gerard was too. We had just confessed our love for each other, and I was so confused on what to do next. Should I kiss him? Should I hug him? Should I say something to him? I was completely confused, but I felt relieved at the same time. Gerard didn’t hate me like I thought he did.

“I am so sorry Gerard, I am sorry for ever leaving you.” I told him as I closed the gap between us as I embraced him in a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I laid my head down on his chest, breathing in his scent, which I remembered to be coffee and cigarettes, but was now tainted with the strong smell of alcohol.

“Never leave me again Frank, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if you did.” He whispered to me, the quivering sound in his voice indicated that he was crying.

I closed my eyes and hugged Gerard tighter, never wanting to let him go. The way that I feel right now was amazing and I never wanted it to end. I was going to get Gerard back, and this time I am going to protect him. I will help him just like he helped me; I will get him over this. I will be his savior, just like he was mine.

I thought back to my dad then. I remembered that he said he was coming back for me. He wanted me dead and he was now going to be out of jail anytime now. I needed to protect Gerard and he was going to make it difficult. I needed to figure something out to get rid of him so Gerard and I can be together without the fear of my father coming in and stealing all my happiness away from me once again. I will keep Gerard safe, even if it means that I have to give my own life away.

“Never.” I promised him, this time I was determined to keep it.