I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Frank’s P.O.V

I hurried out of the shower as quick as I could so that I could get back to Gerard. Even though I was just in the shower, and I knew that he was just in the other room I missed him terribly. I can’t believe that I could actually handle five years without seeing him. Yet, I hardly even made it through that. I could not help but think that it was one of the hardest things that I had to deal with in my whole entire life. Apart from Bella and my father. That was defiantly the worst.

I wrapped the towel around my waist, not really caring that I was completely clad apart from the towel, and walked my way out and into the living room. As soon as I entered I was attacked by Sweet Pea who was lying there on the couch, which was now completely vacant. I looked over at the couch, completely confused for a moment. Gerard was nowhere to be seen, and in my small little apartment, there was really nowhere else he could go.

I began to get worried as I walked over to the kitchen to see if maybe, he was somehow possibly there. And when he wasn’t, I could not help but feel crushed. Why would he just up and leave like that? I really don’t think that I did or even said anything to possibly harm him. I thought things were going good. We had been talking, laughing and having such a good time. Just like we once did. And now, he leaves me without even a single word.

I was about to just give up my search and call him, to see what exactly was going on when I looked over to my answering machine, and it was blinking red. Confused, I was hastily over to the device and pushed the play message button. While the lady on the machine was telling me everything that had to do with the message, in her utterly annoying robot voice, I saw a pile of sticky note paper, along with a freshly written piece that was still attached to the pad.

‘Hey Frank, listen to your messages. Xo Gee.’

Just as I had finished reading what was written down on the paper, Mikey’s voice began to ring through the speakers of the receiver. Gerard had to have heard that. There was really no possible way that he wouldn’t.

“Fuck…” I proclaimed, and with that I was already running as fast as I could out the door.

I hopped into my car and drove off, as fast as I could make my car go without getting a ticket. I do not need another delay. And as I was driving down the road, barely looking out the windows except the road ahead of me, I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. It was Gerard’s car. And it was in a bar parking lot.

I did a quick turn and drove into the parking lot, where I parked my car the nearest that I could get, and jumped out, mumbling the words ‘fuck’ over and over again. Usually people would not be this way, this strongly reacting to finding out that they’re friend was in a bar, probably getting completely trashed. But this was Gerard. And after everything that Mikey had told me, and what Gerard had told me himself was that Gerard was an alcoholic. And Gerard needed help. But I was just now realizing that I am the one that caused him to go and try and find a drink this time. I am the one that causes it all of the time.

I hurriedly my way into the bar, and the first thing that hit me was the smell. It smelled strongly of drugs, and cigarettes, along with the faint smell of puke. It was a horrid place to be, and one of the dirtiest bars around town. So, that is why I hardly ever go to this one, and I could not help but wonder how desperate Gerard had to be here. It sucked big time.

I looked around the bar, trying to breath and calm myself down, when I saw Gerard. He was sitting at a table right near me. With some kind of clear liquid in his hand. He looked so messed up, his long black hair a mess in front of his eyes, completely shielding himself off to anyone that would glance his way. His long sleeve shirt was pulled up around his forearms, showing his pale skin. His shoulders drooped and it looked as if he was extremely close to falling over, or maybe passing out.

I slowly walked my way over to him, trying not to make a lot of noise, but that was not hard considering the loud music that was blasting through the speakers around us. I was afraid to say anything to him at all, for I had no idea how he would act in a drunken state. But I could not help but feel horrible. This was my entire fault.

I slid into the chair next to him, which made his head snap up in my direction. Once he saw it was I, his head shot right back down. I looked over at the drink that was in his hand sadly. I had no idea what to say to him and I did not want to make things even worse. I did that most of the time. But, I just opened my mouth and gave it a shot.

“Gerard… I am so sorry.” I whispered, looking down at the table where my thumbs were entwining together.

He did not answer me, and did not even acknowledge my presence for a minute or two, until he looked up at me, eyes like daggers and furious as can be. It was intimidating, looking at him like that. He looked at me with an expression that could kill. And to be completely honest, I was afraid of him. I shot a glance down at the drink in his hand. His eyes followed my gaze.

“I left my I.D at home.” He whispered as he took a sip of his drink again, which I could now depict to be water.

“Well, that’s good.” I told him, my voice as honest as could be. “You don’t need that shit.”
“Why?” he whispered, looking down at his drink. I looked at him confused to what he was asking me, but I answered anyway.

“That shit doesn’t help Gee. It only makes things worse.” I spoke to him, and I saw him shake his head.

“No, why do you do this to me?” he asked, being more specific than the first time. I frowned at his question.

“I don’t mean to hurt you, you know that Gerard.” I whispered, keeping my eyes on him and only him as I spoke.

He shook his head at me and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath in. I said nothing to him as he just reached into his pocket and grabbed out a cigarette and a lighter. He lit the cigarette quickly and brought it to his lips, taking out a long drag as he slumped back further into his seat. Just by taking that one drag he looked so much calmer. I watched as he took another drag, keeping it in longer than the first then blowing it out slowly.

“Why did you keep in touch with my brother and not me? You guys hardly even talked when you went to school with him.” He mumbled, flicking off the ash that was at the end of the cancer stick.

“I wanted to see how you were. He kept me up to date with you.” I tried to explain, but even as I was saying it I realized how stupid I sounded.

“And you couldn’t talk to me to see how I was? You do know how much easier that would have been.” He said through clenched teeth.

“I already left you once, I didn’t want to have to keep on leaving you when I went on the road with my band. Mikey said you were completely screwed up and that if I came back you would just have been pissed at me, and want nothing to do with me. He said it was better that way.” I explained to him, he just watched me coldly.

“Why the fuck would you listen to him! He is my brother and I love him but he just does not think straight. Frank, you cannot even begin to imagine the pain that I was in without you. I needed you to even function properly. You never thought that one fucking time you should stop by? Heck I was probably so fucking wasted and trashed that I wouldn’t even remember the next fucking day! It wouldn’t even matter if you left right after you came, at least I knew you were okay and well. That was all I ever wanted to fucking know. Mikey never said a fucking word about it and you didn’t even try and give me a call!” Gerard fumed, irritation just dripping off of his voice.

I was silent after that. I had no idea what I could do or say to make it better. I knew that this time I was completely in for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gerard wouldn’t be able to forgive me this time.

“What else have you been lying to me about?” he whispered, coming down from his anger tantrum. I ducked my head down low, and looked up at him from the strands of hair. I looked at him like a lost little puppy, and at that moment, that was exactly how I felt.

“I had a girlfriend.” I confessed. He looked at me skeptically, waiting for me to continue. “I was dating her when I kissed you.” His jaw clenched. “It was Jamia.” His fist went flying.

He hit me on the side of the face, right dab in the eye. My hand automatically flew up to my face to cradle my stinging, and already bruising skin. I looked at him out of my left eye, the one that was not practically swelled up in shock.

“I thought you hated her! Or at least you did when we went to her party that one time, and when we skipped with her. I couldn’t even think about dating someone, or anyone for that matter. And why would you use her like that?” he seethed. “Keep your fucking dick in your pants.”

“I never once had sex with her. I couldn’t even think about it, every time she tried I couldn’t because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. No matter how long I dated her or how happy I thought I could be I wanted to be with you the whole time.” Gerard shook his head at me and stubbed out the cigarette butt.

“Come on.,” he said, getting up from his seat and motioning for me to follow him to the bathroom.

When we got in, he shut and locked the door behind us. He told me to go sit on the sink, and I did so, my feet dangling off the sinks edge, due to my immense shortness. He walked over to the paper towel dispenser and grabbed the brown towels before walking over to the sink and moistening them. I waited for him to finish, and when he did he walked back over to me and threw the paper towel in my non-occupied hand.

“Sorry, about punching you. I never resorted to violence before I swear. I just learned about a bunch of shit in one day. Fucking too much to handle.” He said, regret present in his tone. I tried a weak smile and just shrugged my shoulders.

“I deserved it.” I told him shrugging once more. “I am really surprised that you didn’t punch me a long time ago.” I said as I put the paper towel up to my puffy eye. Gerard just sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

“We have so many problems.” Gerard sighed, as he rubbed his temples with two of his fingers, sounding completely exhausted. He closed his eyes and spoke again.” But, I love you. And I would go through it all again just so that I end up with you.” He spoke to me, pure love in his voice as he came up to me and hugged me.

I immediately hugged him back, my face burrowing into his shoulder. I could feel him smile lightly against my hair as he kissed the side of my head in a loving way. I felt bad, after everything that I put him through he was still here. He didn’t leave me just yet and for that I was grateful. I really did not deserve such a great man like Gerard.

“I will make this up to you, I swear on it.” I whispered into his neck as I kissed it lightly.

He sighed before he drew back to take a nice long look at me. His eyes trailed along my facial features, from my eyes, to my lips.

“I know you will. And I forgive you, for everything. I can’t keep living in the past. Its over, and its done with and you are here now. That is all I need. I love you, so much Frankie”

“You are all I need and even more. I love you more than a person could ever love another Gee.”

And with that, he kissed me. And everything somehow was going to be okay, and I just knew it. It didn’t matter how dysfunctional we are. We will never stop loving another. I was his, and he was mine for life.