I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Gerard’s P.O.V

It has been measly three days since the attack on the twin towers. It had made me see how precious life actually was. How in one second, it all could be gone. It got me to thinking how fragile, breakable it really was.

I had talked to Bryan, the guy that I was going to ask to help me with the band. He had told me that It was a done deal, that all I needed to do was find some band members. Some people stood out, that would be my first choice to have as band mates. I didn’t want some complete stranger to be in a band with me. Most of the people that I thought of were my friends from high school.

Out of all of the friends that I had, which was only about a total of four, played instruments. Ray Toro, or “Fro man” played the guitar, Bob Bryar played drums, and even Mikey played bass. It was all pretty ironic that we all had a musical talent in high school. I think it was probably because none of us really had anything else to do but play music. We never really had any girlfriends either. I don’t recall Bob, Ray or Mikey dating anyone in high school. Yet again, most of them were whores. I only really dated Lyn-z and almost dated… Frank.

That got me to thinking more about Frank. I know that your probably thinking about how pathetic that is. How I still think about what could have been. I know that I need to get over him, and I will get over him. But, I couldn’t help but think back to those few times when he mentioned that he played guitar too. I think he named it ‘Pansy’.

I hate the effect that he has on me. The way that every single time I thought about him, thought about his smile, his laugh, his beautiful eyes, and the way that his sweet lips felt on mine, I missed him so much more. I miss the way His kisses sent me into a state of bliss. I miss the way he made me laugh. I miss the way that he helped me be me.

This all made me think back to high school. What I first thought of him as I saw him walk up to the gates of Belleville high, when I spent those few measly months with him. Those few measly months where he made me fall in love with him. And still, to this day, I would do anything for him. I still loved him, with all of my heart.

I looked over to my desk and got up, walking over to it. I grabbed my antidepressant pills and popped two of them into my mouth. I swallowed them hurriedly and dry before I shut my eyes and sat down onto the chair. I tried to relax and think of happier things, like what was soon to come for me. The band that may be starting out, and not my lost love. I felt tears sting at the corners of my eyes as I thought about what I just called Frank. ‘My lost love’.
Before I could start thinking about how horrible my life was and how I never did anything right, how everyone would be better off if I was dead, I picked up the phone and dialed a number that I haven’t dialed in about 4 years. I waited for Ray to answer the phone as I tapped my fingers impatiently on the desk. I have tried to keep in touch with Ray after high school. But, after about a year I stopped calling him.

“Hello?” I heard him question into the phone. After so many years its like his voice hasn’t even changed.

“Hey Ray, its Gerard.” I told him. I heard him laugh a little bit into the phone before he answered me.

“Gerard Way? Like, high school Gerard Way?” he laughed a little bit more. I honestly didn’t see what was so funny. Or how many Gerard’s he actually knew. I just waited for him to stop his giggle fit before I finally talked back to him.

“Yeah, Gerard from high school. How many other Gerard’s do you know?” I asked him, playing with a pencil that I had just found on my desk.

“One, he’s my baker. But that’s not the point. No offence, but why did you call man? We haven’t talked in what? Four years maybe? Then you just call me randomly out of the blue. Not that I’m not happy that you called but what’s up?” he asked me. I couldn’t help but feel a little pang of sorrow at his words. But, I just sucked it up and continued.

“Well I was wondering if you still played guitar.” I told him getting right to the point. He laughed again and proceeded to talk.

“After four years the thing you need to ask me is if I play guitar? Ha, well yeah I do. Why you ask that?” he asked me. I sighed and nearly snapped the pencil that I was playing with in half. I guess I could have asked him how he was first. But, it’s too late now.

“Well, I was thinking about trying to put a band together. I was wondering if you would want to join? I’m going to try and ask Bob and Mikey if they would want to join too. So, I decided that I was going to ask you first being that you always said that you wanted to be in a band when we were in high school.” I told him quickly, more than likely jumbling a few words together. All I heard was silence on the other line. I thought that he had hung up, but before I could say anything, he started shouting into the phone.

“Man! That’s a great idea! I would love to be in your band man! Do you want me to call and ask Bob? Me and him are still pretty tight.” Ray offered. I smiled as I listened to what Ray said.

“Yeah, I think that would be great! I still live at my parents place so if you guys are interested just show up there around four.” I told him. I heard him shout back an ‘okay!’ before the phone line went dead. I sighed happily and threw my phone on the bed.

Now, all I had to do was call Mikey. I haven’t really said a word to him in the past few months. He is always pestering me to date someone. But I haven’t really talked to anyone lately. I was almost always busy, dealing with depression and things like that. Even though I know that my parents are just right upstairs. I hardly ever go up. I was like a stranger in my own home.

Mikey had moved out about a year ago. My little brother moved out before me. I could tell that my parents were getting tired of me, but they never kicked me out. My mom had even given up on me after a while; she never came down to check on me. I just sat here in the dark and drew. It was the only thing that kept me sane. I draw like I am feeling at the time.

I got up and walked over to my bed and picked up my phone. I dialed Mikey’s number and pressed the phone to my ear. On the second ring he answered.

“Hey bro! I haven’t heard from you in so long! How are you?” he gushed excitedly into the phone. He reminded me of a little girl. I smiled before I answered.

“I’m actually fantastic Mikes! I know it has been so long, too long! How are you?” I asked him excitedly.

“Fantastic? Your fantastic? That’s amazing! You haven’t been remotely fantastic since high school with Frank! Are you finally getting over him? Did you find a girlfriend? Well, I found a girlfriend! She is amazing! Her name is Alicia I met her at Starbucks. She works there, so that means free coffee!” he gushed into the phone. My smile disappeared.

“I’m happy for you Mikes. But to answer your questions, no I did not find a girlfriend and no, I am not over him. You read the letter, he told me to wait for him.” I told him quietly. I heard Mikey sigh.

“Bro, it has been like five years. He is not coming back. I know that you loved him once but it’s time to let him go. It’s not healthy to think about him so much. Your still so hung up on him and he has been gone for so long. I’m worried about you Gerard everyone is worried about you. I’m not trying to sound mean but you need to get over him. He doesn’t love you. I know that he told you to wait but it’s been five whole years. He probably has a girlfriend or boyfriend now. He's probably even forgotten all about you.” He whispered sympathetically to me. Mikey had a way to dampen my mood. But most of all, he was making me angry.

“No, Mikey that’s where you’re wrong. You even read the letter. He told me he loved me and that he will never forget me. He told me to wait for him, so that’s what I’m doing. He will come back for me I guarantee it!” I yelled at him through the receiver.

I was crying heavily now, holding myself as if I was about to fall apart. My life was falling apart. He is coming back for me. He promised and he was always one to keep his promises.

“Don’t cry Gerard, please don’t cry.” He pleads into the phone. I shook my head and watched as my tears fell all around me. “It’s over Bro.” was the last thing he said. I shook my head, not wanting to hear it. It was not over.

“I want to start a band. Come to the garage at four if your interested.” I told him as I hung up. I slammed my fist down on the desk and threw the phone across the room for it to land on the floor, shattering to pieces. ‘Fuck Mikey.’ I repeated it over and over in my head.

I understand that he was just trying to help, but he is just making everything worse. I believe in Frank. I believe that he is going to come back to me and we could start all over again. I know that one-day I will see him again. I will never give up on him, ever.