I'm in Love With My Own Sin

Frank’s P.O.V

I sat in my apartment, looking through all of the boxes that were piled up on top of my bed. I didn’t take much on the road with me, just a few things. They were mostly necessities; things that I would need. After that fight that I had with the rest of my band mates I was out of there. It didn’t take me that long to pack and I was already on a bus headed back to Belleville.

I decided that first thing tomorrow morning I was going to go visit my mother. Haven’t seen her in so long and I missed her. I mean I called her nearly every night but it just wasn’t the same as seeing her in person. My second priority was getting all my stuff unpacked and getting situated again. I had to go get my dog from my girlfriend’s house tomorrow too, but I won’t do that until after I’m done visiting with my mom.

I sighed and hit my head back down against the bare mattress, the springs groaning in protest. I had so much to do. I had nothing to do but sit here and wonder if I had made the right choice. I mean it was pretty early with the band and I had just given up, just like that. We had potential and could have made it big. But, it’s all in the past and I need to worry about the future. I guess if I still want to keep the apartment I need to find a job soon. The bills are going to be piling up.

I yawned and rolled over on my side to stare at the blank wall. I was so tired; I had been running all day. I slowly let my eyes droop shut. I lay there for a moment, ready to finally get a good nights rest. After being on the bus for so long and having the most fucked up sleeping pattern I really needed to get to sleep. I could feel my self slowly beginning to drift off to sleep when I heard the phone ring.

I groaned and slowly stood up, hearing my back and neck crack slightly. I made my way over to wear the cordless phone lay in my kitchen. I looked at my answering machine and saw that I had over 50 missed calls. I sighed and quickly picked up the phone, pressing the talk button.

“Hello?” I asked kind of snootily into the device. What can I say? I am tired and I really don’t feel like talking right now.

“Hey Frank, it’s Mikey.” I heard the person say on the other line. All of the grumpiness melted away once I found out it was him. I smiled and took the phone into the living room. I sat down on the couch and curled up in my Nightmare Before Christmas blanket.

“Hey Mikey, it’s been so long! What’s up dude? How is Gerard doing?” I asked him, happiness just dripping off of my voice. No body knows it but I have kept in touch with Mikey over all of these years. Ever since he called me the day after I moved, telling me how ruined Gerard was and everything like that. I kept in touch with him, calling him often and asking how Gerard was.

“Well, nothing much actually. Gerard is still um, how do I say this? Mind set on you coming back? He said that you promised and that he believes in you, that you would never lie to him, that you told him you loved him. I keep telling him to forget it and that you aren’t coming back but he is just refusing to listen to me. It’s quiet stressing really.” Mikey told me, remorse in his voice. I sighed and hit my head back against the couch.

I kind of figured that something like this was going to happen. I should make sure that I could actually keep a promise next time before I make one. Or I need to make sure that I can stick around when I confess my love for someone. I broke his heart. That’s when I came up with an idea. I knew what to do and it was just full proof.

“Do you think it would be a good idea if I went and visited him? I mean, I did promise him that I would and I would hate to lie to him.” I told him, hoping that Mikey would agree and think that it was a good idea. I heard him sigh before he finally answered.

“No, Frank… I don’t think that that is a good idea. If you go and see him again he will probably think that you are staying… and your not. That will just make him even more sad.” Mikey told me. I sighed and put my head down.

“I just really miss him.” I mumbled to him. I really did miss him. I haven’t talked to him in so long. I really just wanted to hear his reassuring voice again.

“I know you do Frank, and he really misses you too but you got to stop living in the past. Its over between you two and it has been for a while. I just want my brother to move on and be happy again. He rarely ever leaves the house, always in the basement and drawing a bunch of heartbreaking things when I go over to see him. He is still so much hung up on you. He just worries me that’s all.” Mikey told me, I could almost hear the sadness in his voice. He was upset because of Gerard. But I really did want to go see him.

“Also, don’t you have a girlfriend?” he added on. I sighed and nodded my head, even if he didn’t see. But truth is that I would dump her in a heartbeat for Gerard.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. Its not like I was going to jump his bones at the first sight of him…” I trailed off, not sure if I was telling the truth or not.

“Frank, drop it. It’s not going to happen. Sorry man, but I got to go. I have to take Alicia out to the mall today. Call me whenever, I got to go to my parents place at four though so I wont be in for a while.” He explained to me. I felt my heart drop as I heard his words.

“Okay.” Was all I said before I hung up the phone. It nearly broke my heart to hear what Mikey was saying. I hated hearing him say it wasn’t going to happen.

I sighed and made my way back into the kitchen to put the phone down on the hook. After that I grabbed a water bottle and went back to my living room. I turned on the TV and watched some random TV show. I wasn’t very sure what it was but it was on Discovery channel.

I thought about my conversation with Mikey as I slipped into unconsciousness. I dreamt that I had never left Belleville in the first place and Gerard and me were finally together as a couple, and in love. We were engaged and soon to be married. It was like a fairytale. It felt so real, but yet again it was only a dream.

…

I woke up at nine in the morning with a pounding headache. The kind of headache that you normally get from having a hang over. I got up out of my chair and walked over to the home phone so I could call my mom and get over there.

I called her and told her that I was coming and she sounded ecstatic. I couldn’t help but smile at her urgency. I hung up and got ready to go meet her. I showered and ran a comb through my mess of brown hair and drove over to my mom’s house.

When I pulled up her driveway she was sitting down on the porch swing up front, a smile present on her face. I hurriedly parked the car and walked up the stone driveway to meet my mother. Her face seemed to light up when she saw me. I ran up to her and gave her a big hug, not wanting to let her go. She pulled away and smiled before pecking me on the forehead.

“Frank, I have missed you so much! How are things?” she asked me, taking a long stray piece of hair and tucking it behind my ear.

“Good, I left my band though. Things just weren’t working out. But I cant stay for much longer because I still have to go and pick up Sweet Pea.” I explained to her. She frowned but nodded her head.

“Yeah, I have my book club at noon anyway,” she began. “ But, there is something very important that I have to tell you.” She told me, looking at me in the eyes. I nodded for her to continue. “Well, yesterday, I got a call from the prison that is holding your father.” She told me, eyes never leaving mine. I felt my heart drop. “They said they are letting him out in two months time…” she trailed off. I said nothing.

“But, I already told them to have him stay away from you. They are going to keep a look out on your apartment, make sure that he stays away from you.” She explained further. I shook my head in disbelief.

“Why don’t they just keep him in there then!?” I practically shouted. She cringed at my voice but just shrugged her shoulders.

I groaned and slammed my fist down on the hood of my car. I brought my hands up to my hair and twisted them in there, getting ready to yank it all out. My mom looked at me, visibly frightened. I sighed and walked over to her, wrapping her up in a hug.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” I began. “But i'm going to have to go now. Ill call you later. It was nice seeing you.” I told her. She nodded her head and hugged me tightly, whispering it was okay and to take care of myself.

I nodded my head and kissed her forehead as I went over and hopped in my car. I began my drive over to my girlfriend’s house and starred straight at the road. I felt tears well up in my eyes at the thought of that monster getting out of prison. I let them fall as I slammed my hands down on the dashboard. I screamed out loudly as I let all my pain and suffering just spill out.

I calmed my self down some before I really thought about it. This was perfect. It was perfect timing for my father to get out of jail. I was finally prepared. I wasn’t going to change into some wrack job again like I did when I was in high school. No, I was ready. This was my time, for revenge.